Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Fatherhood

  • Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 6/3/2013]

    This entry is the hardest for me to write, but also the one about which I feel most passionately – sexual purity in dating. Let me be very very clear before I walk any further – sexual purity in dating was NEVER a goal of mine. I would have laughed at you had you suggested it. Before I met my wife, I was in a place where I was pretty certain that the PURPOSE of dating was my own sexual gratification. However, with distance and clarity from that deep walk with sin, I can now promise you that that path holds nothing but pain and embarrassment.

    Please feel free to call me a hypocrite for this entry. As long as you keep reading, I can handle that. Do not believe the irony that *I* am writing about this is lost on me. If you had known me in high school or especially college, seeing my name on this might cause you to spit out your drink. Regardless, consider my pock-marked, bruised, and beaten spirit to be a warning sign that this path is not one you want to tread.

    So here is what I see now that I wish I had believed then: you need to keep yourself sexually pure. You already know this. It isn’t shocking to you. It isn’t even news. But our society loves to question the boundary of “sex” such that you can engage in many sexual acts and still consider yourself a “virgin.” As a father to a little girl, here is the litmus test I now find myself using – if I’d want to dismember the little boy for doing “that” with my little girl, it runs against sexual purity. As you might imagine, there is NO gray area in *my* definition.

    For clarity, I define sexual purity as doing nothing consciously to engage or arouse your own sexual desires, which includes not only physical sexual acts, but even the very TV shows, video games, and movies you choose to watch, if you are choosing to watch them because of the arousal potential.

    Yes, it is easy for me to say this now that I have a wife and regular sex partner. No, this challenge is not easy, and most of the men in our society would call it quixotic. But I would counter by saying that this is the level of sexual purity I believe God desires for all men, single, dating, engaged, married, widowed – ALL men.

    Let me speak to the area I am most familiar with, porn. If you are using porn and masturbation to meet your own “needs,” you have to stop. And I don’t mean just stop looking at porn. I mean stop masturbating. And looking at porn.

    If you are having sex, in a relationship or not, stop. Yes, stop.

    Draw a personal boundary, make the choice to take the high road, and stop. This step is by far the most painful for me to talk about. But I am firmly convinced that it is the most critical to being successful in dating.

    Let me share with you two facts about sex and orgasm that shape this conversation. First, sex and orgasm are not needs, but desires that create needs. Let me explain. Your body does not NEED to orgasm.

    I’ll wait while you let that sink in. To orgasm is NOT a need.

    To orgasm is an appetite. And like any other appetite, it can be sated for a period, but never once and for all. However, unlike hunger and thirst, an orgasm is not required for your body to live (despite what you may be feeling right this second!). The more you orgasm, the more your body desires to orgasm, much like your response to a good steak or delicious ice cream. And the more you feed that desire, it begins the transition from a desire to a craving, then to a need. That’s right, what you once knew to be a desire has become a need you feel legitimate in fulfilling by any means.

    If you are actively engaged in masturbation or sex, I’m confident you won’t believe me on this. But as someone who was fought the porn demon and won, I assure you it is the truth.

    The other fact? The quest for orgasm clouds your mind. A shocker, right? I’m glad you were sitting down. But when coupled with the first fact, what happens is that a man who is dating and masturbating or having sex is blinded to facts and reason. As is the stereotype, he thinks with his cock instead of his mind. In that state, you are, as I was, completely incapable of evaluating the woman you are dating rationally. Especially if she is already your sex partner. Thankfully my wife was not my sex partner before we were married – although I sure tried!

    So you have to put a stop to it. And you have to have stopped for quite a period (read: a year) before you are mentally clear enough to evaluate a potential mate. Yes, it will be incredibly difficult. Satan will throw everything imaginable at you in order to get you to slip up. You will wake up with wet underwear. You will be incredibly tempted by stupid things. But you *can* go without, and the clarity the abstinence provides will be well worth the pain.

    Based on my experience, if you are already deep in the chase for orgasms, you will not be able to overcome the temptation alone – you need God’s strength and grace. You will need to pray a lot. In fact, think of this period as a fast from orgasm, and like a fast, any time you are tempted, pray for strength and thank God for a healthy sex drive.

    Bottom line, in order for you to be in the right place mentally and physically to find a mate, you need to make your own sexual purity a primary objective now.

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • Temporality

    Temporality

    [Author’s Note: This entry originally appeared on the BlogOfManly.com on 11/22/2013]

    Temporality. As in, having to do with time. I have a strange relationship with time, perhaps you do as well. When I am enjoying myself, time is fleeting. When I am bored or trudging through some task, time can’t possible move fast enough. I am fairly confident this is the common human condition – I am not alone in experiencing time not as a perfectly straight line, as science suggests, but instead as the ebb and flow of a river.

    However, temporality has taken on a completely new meaning for me of late. My wife gave birth to our third child not too long ago. I am incredibly thankful that my new son has proven to be a easy-going child who even sleeps fairly well at night. If you have never had children, trust me, that is nothing short of a miracle. But not every day, or night, is easy and restful – make no mistake. At this point, once a week or so, our baby will decide to not go to sleep until close to midnight, and then wake up once or twice during the night for more food or comfort. Waking up, crawling out of bed, and then attempting to be productive at work, feels like a Herculean task. If you’ve had kids, you likely know *exactly* what I mean.

    What is different this time, though, is my attitude and perspective on time. Especially so with our first child, every rough day feels like it will never end. As you lie awake in bed, trying to convince yourself to get up and away from the warmth and coziness, a subtle fear surfaces – will I ever feel well rested again? And with that fear, a hopelessness. Hopeless that you will ever get back to full productivity at work. Hopeless you will ever have sex with your wife again. Hopeless that you will survive this whole fatherhood ordeal. I’ve been there. With our first two, it was sometimes for weeks at a time! But now, I recognize something I intellectually knew but didn’t accept before – that all of this is temporary.

    My eldest child is almost 5 years old now. 5! Standing in the time of her infancy and looking forward, reaching this point seemed to be an eternity away. Looking back now, the time has passed in what feels like a blink of the eye. I have memories of the last almost 5 years, but they seem dreamlike.

    I can’t definitively say that you, as a young father, will ever feel rested again – I know I haven’t. But I can say with absolutely certainty that the most irritating advice from grandparents and parents of older kids, that you should enjoy this time (as if!) because it will pass quickly, is correct. That particular adage is not comforting in the least when you are in that time, but it is true.

    By now, those of you without kids, or no plans to have kids, are wondering what any of this has to do with you. The reality that I am now beginning to appreciate is that *everything* is temporary. Working for that boss who is horrible? Will be over before you know it. Buried in debt and trying to budget and save your way out? You’ll be debt free sooner than you think.

    Let me be very clear – I am not saying everything will work out for you. That in the long run you will be successful, happy, etc. I certainly have no power to predict that for myself, let alone for you. But here is what I do know – whatever you are struggling with today will be different tomorrow. The battle you are fighting that seems endless and hopeless WILL end, somewhere along the continuum of victory and defeat, but it will end. The time of joy and peace you are currently experiencing? It too will change. It may or may not end, but one thing is for certain – nothing ever stays the same.

    I know you know this, intellectually. But here is my challenge to you: get to know this truth at a deeper, heart level. The more you press into this truth about the temporality of all things in this world, the easier it is to face your struggles head-on – because you know they will change. Something will give; life will move on. And the easier it becomes for you to appreciate the temporality of all things, the easier it becomes to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow – because tomorrow will have worries of its own.

  • I Almost Punched My Wife

    I Almost Punched My Wife

    [Author’s Note: This entry first appeared on BlogOfManly.com on 10/17/2012]

    Ok, not really. And even if I had, it would have been an accident. But here is how it went down: I am standing in my home office, which also doubles as our walk-in closet. The house is fairly cool (~70) as the weather outside is *finally* fall-ish. Maria walks in to tell me she is going to lay down for a few minutes before heading to pick up our daughter from Mother’s Day Out. She is wearing a pink blouse that I notice really brings out her coloration. I put my hand against her neck, cradling her head, as I feel her hand slipping under my shirt. I am forming the words to compliment her on how beautiful she is, she puts her hand against my skin.

    ICE. As in Dante’s Inferno, Judas level.

    I feel my arms reflexively drawing in to my body, and my conscious brain realizes the signal has been sent to my hands to ball into fists as well. I cancel that order, as I realize, on some unconscious level, that I would end up essentially giving Maria a glancing punch in the lower jaw.

    Instead I shiver, do my cold “hippy skippy” dance, tell her how close she came to being brained, and explain what I was about to say about her looking beautiful.

    We laugh about it, she makes a crack about needing some black and blue to counter the pink of her shirt, and heads off.

    As I am standing here shivering now (I generally work standing up), I was struck with the comfort of our marriage. I could easily see how if I hadn’t managed to stop my fist from balling and had hit Maria, how I’d be in big trouble. If you punched your wife in the jaw as an accident, would you guys laugh it off? If it wasn’t an accident, you and I need to have a deeper conversation.

    But in our marriage, Maria and I would have laughed it off. Why? GRACE.

    See, one of the concepts that Maria and I have claimed and built as an integral part of our marriage is grace. The same grace God freely gives us. Because we recognize that each of us, even at our best, is a sad, broken, sinning human. We know that the other would never intentionally hurt us, but that it will happen anyway.

    Grace is the margin in a relationship that allows each spouse to fall short of expectations, but not be thought less of for doing so. So we choose to make space in our expectations of the other to allow them to fall short, without losing our love. I adore Maria more today than I ever have, and that is largely due to giving her the slack to make mistakes or fall short of my expectations, and not berating or demeaning her for doing so – although to be fair, Maria is an excellent wife, and rarely needs the grace!

    I can only hope Maria feels the same about me – God knows I’m not a perfect spouse (some days I wouldn’t even use “good”).

     What does grace look like in a marriage on a daily basis?

    Maria, I am sorry that I almost punched you. Chris, I forgive you, I know you would never hit me intentionally. But I’m not sorry I put my cold hands on you.

    Chris, I am sorry that I forgot to call and make a doctor’s appointment today. Maria, I love you, and I accept your apology.

    Maria, I screwed up and paid that credit card bill twice this month, and now we are overdrawn. Chris, I know it was an honest mistake, and we will make do. I forgive you, and I love you.

    Remember that famous passage that was likely read at your wedding?

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Paul is talking about many things, but central to it all is the concept of grace. Of loving DESPITE imperfections. Of choosing to overlook rather than focus on. Forgetting instead of dwelling on. Grace is how you overcome the rocky places. How you stand firm despite the pain the world presents. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part.

    And you WANT grace in your marriage. Because you WANT the latitude to make mistakes and not meet expectations. Because you will not and cannot meet all of your spouses expectations, all of the time. And you don’t want to be held to that standard – you will break yourself on the rocks of being human, before you ever reach the promised land of perfection as a husband. You are a good man, with a good heart, but you too, are a broken human.

    God loves you, despite your failures and sins. You must do the same for your wife, and ask the same from her. Grace is an incredibly powerful force that will literally grow your love for your wife over time. But you first have to decide to provide that margin, and have the confidence to ask for it. Grace is the mortar that builds an impenetrable marriage.

    Do you have grace in your marriage? Do you have grace for yourself? Your spouse? Your children? Lead courageously and choose to make room in your expectations for them to miss the mark, without punishing them for doing so. You will get to enjoy the fruits of building a marital stronghold where everyone feels safe, affirmed, and loved.

  • Sacrificing for My Kids

    Sacrificing for My Kids

    This weekend, I spent roughly 10-12 hours building a base for my son’s slot car race track. Now, before you go shopping for “Dad of the Year” awards for me, please know that we bought him this track 10 months ago for his last birthday. He’s been able to play with it probably 4 times since then.

    The problem is that the track itself is flimsy, and doesn’t hold together on its own. Thus, it has to be set up and taken down by an adult. The purpose of this project, was to build a base and mount the track to it, such that it could be safely left in a child’s room… and reasonably expect it not to be in pieces and broken within minutes!

    So, the whole thing started with a rough plan, some measurements, and some raw materials. Then slowly, with Maria keeping the kids at bay, it transformed into the base, and eventually the mounted track. And the kids LOVE it!

    I really enjoyed this project, once it was done. In the middle, it was plagued with frustration, disappointment, setbacks, rethinking, and all the other stages projects go through. The header image is the one casualty I suffered and also how I felt about the project when I finished the last test!

    But the smiles and laughter of my kids playing with it, knowing it was not going to be easily broken, made it all worth while.

    I love doing for others. I love working with my hands. I love my efforts bringing my kids joy. This project, as frustrating as it was, scratched all of those itches. And now that it is finished, it feels GREAT.

    What projects have you worked on recently, that have brought you joy?

  • Flipping Like a Fool!

    Flipping Like a Fool!

    Celebrating my youngest son’s birthday, we went to a local trampoline park. And I did what any grown man who felt entitled to play like a kid would do – I jumped! And I *loved* it! It was awesome! And Exhausting! But AWESOME!

    And here’s me doing something I have probably never done before, flipping off a trampoline into the blocks!

    Here’s me doing the “Dad 4 Block Challenge”

    I enjoyed this trip so much, I wanted to share it with all of you!

    Where have you found joy this week?

  • 35 Years

    35 Years

    Ten days ago, I turned 35 years old. Not surprisingly, I found myself to be in a contemplative mood in the days leading up to my birthday. Because most of my dear readers are close friends and family, likely you will not be surprised at my age.

    But I am. I am surprised to find myself 35 years old. Certainly, I remember many milestones along the last 12,784 days of my life – the birth of my three children, my wedding (bits and pieces!), finishing college, graduating high school, and on and on. However, when I try to add up my memories, the sum seems to fall far short of 35 years.

    I’m sure that is the way of it, the greater the distance from the events, the fewer events are retained. Regardless, 35 years old still seems like a mystical age I remember talking about, in my twenties, as being an eternity away!

    In my last session with Bonnie, as we were discussing my recent realizations about how I think about money, Bonnie asked me how I define success. I didn’t have a good answer.

    I told Bonnie that I don’t want to ever consider myself successful, because that seems final. I want to lay on my deathbed (see? painfully contemplative of late!), look back at my life, and decide I lived a successful life. But today, I don’t want to have arrived at that particular destination.

    Instead, I want to be satisfied. Content.

    Now if you’re hoping that I am going to lay out some excellent, detailed, scriptural definition of “content” for you, I’m sorry, I’m fresh out. Frankly, I suck at being content. I even suck at my own birthday!

    For the majority of my life, my snap answer would be that I am not content or satisfied with any of it. There is so much about my world I want to improve, fix, change, and the like!

    My definition of “content” is that I am satisfied with every aspect of my life. Clearly, my definition of “content” is unattainable and a picture of perfection. Interestingly, I understand that “content” is supposed to mean an intermediate state, but that’s not how I think of “content.” “Content” doesn’t mean finished, satisfied, happy even! Yet when I ask myself whether I am “content”, all I see is all the areas I want to improve.

    Part of our pastor’s sermon, the weekend prior to my birthday, was on being content. Pastor Bill described being content as “wanting what you already have.” I’ve decided to adopt this definition, because it makes sense to me. I want to be content, I recognize the value and importance of being content. I just have to learn how!

    I’m fighting the urge to give you a detailed run-down of my life, and a “content / non content” status for each, based on this new definition. In fact, if you’d like me to detail that, please let me know in the comments. But for now, I’m going to assume that my recent introspection is sufficient for you.

    The truth is that I am largely content with my life today – using this revised definition of “content.” Are there areas I’m working on and hoping to improve? Absolutely. Are there areas I feel I am killing? A few. Does my life today looked like what I imagined 35 would look like, at 18 or 21? I don’t think so, but honestly I didn’t have much of a plan past college, career, and marriage! Excepting kids, which I was firmly convinced I did NOT want. I am so thankful to have changed my mind!

    I have been incredibly privileged to have the opportunities and the work ethic to accomplish many things, experience many things, and enjoy many things. I lead a good life.

    In fact, I actually want most, if not all, of the aspects of my life today. The areas that I am not satisfied with, I am working on, for the most part, and I recognize the value of the journey. Thankfully there are only a few areas of both discontent and lack of effort – and I have plans to work on those, when I have time. In short, I’m not completely satisfied, but I am content with my place, progress, and plans to improve

    I’d be lying if I said I am excited to have turned 35, but as I mark this milestone, I am incredibly thankful for the life I lead, and excited about the journey ahead. Thank you for taking part of this journey with me!

  • Take Your Turn

    Take Your Turn

    Do you martyr yourself on a regular basis? If someone has to sacrifice, is it always you? Let me tell you about my own experiencing of the cost of martyrdom…

    Did you know that here in Texas, we actually have road signs reminding drivers to “Drive Friendly”? Most of my readers right now live in Texas, so that’s not a great surprise. But if you don’t live here (you should!) and have never visited (you must!), then this is probably surprising to you.

    I like to try and observe life lessons from the behavior I see of people around me. Do you like to do that? Maybe I’m crazy? Regardless, I find it fascinating to observe how people behave in different circumstances, and try to abstract the fundamental rules of life from those behaviors.

    Witnessing the Cost of Martyrdom

    The Heart Causes Deadlock
    The Heart Causes Deadlock

    So the other morning, I’m taking my daughter to school. The traffic flow into this school’s parking lot isn’t great, but it works well enough, as long as everyone is playing by the rules. This particular morning, we are actually a few minutes earlier than usual, and yet we are moving painfully slowly towards the school. As we approach the entrance to the school parking lot, I see exactly why. In the traffic pattern for this school, you can either approach from the north or the south, and you can also depart to the north or to the south. The majority of the influx approaches from the north, and also departs to the north. If all cars followed this routing, the traffic would be smooth as butter. But of course, they don’t. Some people approach from the south, and then have to either force their way into the stream of traffic, or wait to be let in. Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was curious if anyone reads this whole paragraph. The most fascinating part of this ballet is that often the south approaching cars will stop such that the north departing cars cannot pull out into the road, and if this goes on long enough, the parking lot deadlocks, as was the case on this particular morning. Some kind soul was sitting in the heart spot, refusing to go, until the whole system locked up.

    What is the Point?

    Are your eyes glazed over yet? Do you even care about my story any more? I’ll cut to the chase, and save you any more mindless descriptions of traffic patterns. The point is that sometimes people will stop, in an attempt to be friendly, to allow someone else to turn. Generally this is both reasonable and necessary.
    However, more often than not, the yielding driver may be helping the turning driver(s), but ends up punishing everyone else in line.

    The moral of this story? Sometimes the most effective way you can love everyone around you is by simply taking your turn and going. Sometimes, you taking care of your needs, *is* the most effective way to provide for those around you.

    Paradoxical, huh?

    You may think I’m full of crap, but there is a reason that when you fly with children, they entreat you to put on your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child – you are no benefit to your children if you suffocate first.

    I suck at looking after myself. I’m the first to martyr myself in the service of those around me. I look for opportunities to fall on my sword for others. I know now that it stems from my addiction to affirmation. However, as Bonnie likes to point out lately, I am responsible for the livelihood of five people in this world, three of which can’t fend for themselves. If I am not minding my own health and well-being, I am putting them in jeopardy too. I don’t love that truth, I confess. I may be making myself feel good by being a martyr, but I’m not being the provider they need.

    So I’m working on this. In fact, my writing of this article is part of me trying to look after myself. What about you? Are you good at looking after your own needs on a regular basis? Or do you like to fall on your sword at every opportunity?

  • I think I can, I think I can

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/24/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    God has a funny way of explaining the nature of my relationship to Him through my relationship to my daughter. I can’t even begin to guess the number of times God has revealed some aspect of our relationship to me this way. In fact, I understand so much better know why God has us refer to Him as “Father” than I ever could have without children.

    So God laid some wisdom on me again that way today. I had just sent Olivia to her room for disobedience, and I was coming in to check on her. She asked me if she could come out, which I said she could, as soon as she made her bed. Her bed making skills, at 3 and a half, are not spectacular – no quarters bouncing off sheets – but caring for our belongings is a lesson Maria and I are trying to teach her.

    Olivia whines and tells me that she needs me to do it, because she can’t. Now, keep in mind that I had watched her make her own bed yesterday afternoon after her nap, ALL BY HERSELF. So I reminded her of such. She didn’t have much to say in response, and slowly began making her bed.

    As I left her room, I was muttering to myself about how much I wish she would accept and take responsibility for what she IS capable of, and also to accept what she IS NOT capable of, and ask for help.

    What specifically came to mind was her swimming – given that it is summer time, we are going to the pool more, and more than once Olivia has walked off into the deeper end of the pool, absolutely convinced she can swim. Being the responsible parents Maria and I are, she is always wearing a float of some sort, so she is in no real danger, but she doesn’t understand that. She has also taken swimming lessons, despite insisting that she already knows how to swim. She refused to put her own face in the water, and even asked for help!

    But in that moment about bemoaning Olivia’s disconnect between her idea of what she can and can’t do, and what she is actually capable of, God hit me upside the head.

    You’ll find that my descriptions of how God gets my attention are rarely soft and friendly, but always in love. Now, I am not one to claim that I hear God literally speaking to me, instead I tend to hear from Him through repetition in the world around me. But God clearly laid on my heart that I too have a disconnect in what I believe I am capable of, and what He has built and empowered me to do. Oh, Snap.

    One of my many character flaws is that unless I am perfect at something, I am unwilling to accept that I have any ability to do it. Take writing! My life coach and I had a heated debate about whether I should consider myself a writer until I had been published. I am my own worst critic. My critic has been a positive attribute at my points in my life, driving me by turns to academic performance and professional success.

    But God’s power is not made perfect in my strength or success. I am only now coming to really own the fact that God has given me incredible talents in several arenas of life, but that I do not have any desire to succeed under my own power. I do not understand why God has given me gifts he has not given others, but I do understand that each of us having unique gifts creates needs for other people in our lives. However, the level of success I can achieve on my own is nothing compared to the eternal and present day benefits God has in mind, and that is the success I desire now.

    Unfortunately, the critic who has served me well in the past is now a stumbling block. Because now, much like Moses in Exodus, when God lays on my heart to go do something, my initial response is that I can’t, I am not capable. To which I now understand that, assuming God responds at all like I do to Olivia (which is NOT a safe assumption, thankfully), then He sighs, and reminds me of when I have already proven I am capable.

    How did I respond to this prompting from God? I mentally acknowledged the truth, and went to God in prayer, asking Him to reveal to me the areas I am capable but not acknowledging, and the areas I am not capable, but keep telling myself that I am. I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

    Men, you have unique talents and gifts from God. They may (likely) are not the gifts you would have chosen, but you cannot deny your talents. God created you exactly as you are with intention, purpose, and the raw materials to fulfill these callings. I firmly believe that God never calls us to do anything He doesn’t also give us the resources to accomplish. “I can’t” is never an appropriate answer to His call.