Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Margin

  • Quarantine Week 1

    The keyword for you is “grace”. For today – right now – and for the days ahead. You are feeling uncertain – so is everyone around you. No one has experienced anything like this. You are not alone in your anxiety or fear. No one can say what the days ahead will hold. In that, we are all in the same boat.

    However, as the week comes to a close, you may also be frustrated with what you were able to accomplish this week. You may be beating yourself up for not being able to focus or produce. This is where grace comes in. You have to give yourself credit for the current situation. Stress and anxiety manifest differently for everyone, but they are very real. It is awfully hard to focus on what may seem like a mundane task in the face of a crisis. You have to give yourself credit for anything you were able to accomplish, promise yourself that as things settle into their new “normal” you’ll get more done, and go into this weekend with a mindset of grace. Of rest. If you don’t rest, next week you will not handle better whatever crazy news comes next or the demands of your job.

    Turn off the news. Turn off social media. Being informed is a noble goal, but no amount of refreshing the page will change what is to come. Give yourself mental, physical, and emotional space to rest. Create something. Play something. Enjoy something, simply for the joy of the thing.

    Do not carry the stress of this week into the weekend, and let it rob you of rest and joy. Your value is not defined by what you were able to produce in the face of calamity. You deserve to rest, recover, and recuperate.

    Next week, we will face whatever comes next. But for tonight and the weekend, rest. Allow yourself to rest.

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • Busy As Hell

    Busy As Hell

    Ever used that phrase? A coworker of mine used it today to describe his weekend. I was struck with the irony inherent in that statement. Let me try and tease it out for you. “Hell” is a word generally considered a bad place, a place of punishment, and in general, not where you want to be. “Busy” describes the state of one’s world – lots of activity, constant demands on one’s time, and at the extreme, barely controlled chaos. “As” is a comparison, likening the predecessor to whatever follows.

    Thus, when taken together, “busy as hell” literally means that being busy is akin to being tortured and punished. Ever thought of it that way? I bet you, like me, are thinking that this seems so obvious, yet you’ve never seen it in that direction.

    I’m not going to decry busyness – I haven’t published a blog entry in over a month! I’d be the worst kind of hypocrite to preach against busyness. But, I see the damage it has caused in my own life of late.

    If you have school aged children, you probably understand that the last few weeks has been nutty, with all sorts of end-of-year activities. Maria also serves in the PTA and was a room mother, so that’s at least double the normal insanity. And my work has been demanding more of my time as well, simply serving to compound the matter. Toss in a couple of illnesses through my family, and viola! a month goes by without a blog post.

    But the problem runs deeper than that. Once again, I’m reminded that when I start to feeling insecure about something, I double-down on my commitments and work. I’m still very much a work in progress in this regard!

    So what is the point of all of this? If nothing else, a small apology for having disappeared. I don’t think anyone is waiting with baited breath for my published word, but having a blog and an email list is an unwritten (sort of) contract with you, the reader, that I have not been faithful to. I’m not going to be so foolish as to make a promise that this won’t happen again – after all, the beginning of the school year is looming. Instead, I am simply asking you, my beloved reader, for a measure of grace.

  • Money Tells a Story

    Money Tells a Story

    When talking about turning down opportunities on the Tim Ferris podcast, Seth Godin explained that “Money is a story. Once you have enough for beans and rice, and taking care of your family, and a few other things, money is a story. And, you can tell yourself any story you want about money. But its better to tell yourself a story about money that you can happily live with.”

    Interestingly, this quote closely mirrors Bonnie‘s comment to me, after telling her about an incident I had recently with a pharmacist. Bonnie asked me what story did the pharmacist’s behavior tell me about myself?

    So here’s the incident in question: I was going to pick up a prescription for Maria, and through some *fun* insurance mix-up, they didn’t have Maria’s current insurance. The cash price of the prescription was $14.99. The pharmacist explained the insurance situation, I confirmed that the price was $15, and said it would be fine. The pharmacist innocently asked me, “Are you sure?” I politely affirmed that I was, but internally I was ENRAGED. How dare he ask me a second time?? What, do I look like $15 is a hardship? Sure, I drive a ten-year old car, and I was probably several days unshaven and in a t-shirt. But we are talking about $15, not $1500! Am I not MAN enough to provide for my wife’s medical needs??

    Does my response seem disproportionate to you? Fortunately, it did to me too.

    I’ve really been chewing on why the pharmacist’s confirmation of my willingness to pay cash for a prescription, rather than bill the insurance, enraged me so much. Do I believe the pharmacist was concerned that I couldn’t afford it? No. I don’t honestly think it would have mattered whether I was driving a Bentley, smiling through gold teeth, and smoking $100 bills, I think he would have asked anyway (quite a mental image though!).

    But here’s what I’ve come to understand about my view of money: being able to spend money seemingly carelessly means you are successful.

    That makes total sense, right? I mean, success equals carefree money?

    Yeah, no.

    So in my mind, when the pharmacist confirmed my willingness to pay for the prescription, what I really heard was him questioning my success in life, as a provider, as a man.

    I have an unhealthy relationship with money. When my family has margin in our cash flow, I am at ease. As soon as things tighten up any, as they invariably do with three beautifully accident and illness prone children, I get crazy tense. I begin to refuse to buy simple things I actually need, like aftershave. Seriously, right now, I need to buy some aftershave and won’t, because it seems superfluous. But I’d rather sacrifice the very skin of my face, than spend the money!

    The rat hole goes much deeper than this, as I’ve come to understand. Turns out I would rather forgo buying things I need, to protect whatever little cash we happen to have on hand, so that I don’t have to say to Maria or anyone that we can’t afford something. What is really important to me is that I appear to be successful in front of others, and the only way I know to communicate that is by always being able to spend money when called upon. I’m talking about things like going to the movies as a group, impromptu trips to see family members, etc. I don’t mean truly extravagant things. The whole thing is nuts!

    Let me stop and say that I make plenty of money, and I know that my family is well provided for. Ironically, what matters is not how big or small the number I report on my taxes as income, because only Maria and I (and some unknown number of bureaucrats in the IRS!) ever see that. But my self-confidence rides the balance in our checking account like a stock trader rides the indexes.

    There’s no happy ending here for me, at this point. This post is simply the ripping off of the emotional scab that has hidden the wound and the underlying truth, knowing that now it can begin to heal properly.

    If you find yourself in a similar boat, fighting with money regardless of your actual income, take heart! Your value, as a person, is NOT based on how much money you can spend at the drop of a hat. Nor is your worth based on how much money you bring home, how many toys you have, or how big your house is. Neither is mine. We both have to learn to accept the truth of that.

     

  • Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    I had a random thought the other day, that I felt compelled to share with you, dear reader! Clearly I am fixated on the ideas of margin and rest right now, so this topic won’t come as too much of a shock. To cut to the chase, here’s the idea: what if the idea of a day of rest, a Sabbath, is actually contrary to man’s inherent sin nature? And if so, what if the observation of a day of rest actually enables and enhances productivity and health?

    In short, what if God’s command to keep a Sabbath wasn’t simply to provide the Israelite nation a day of rest, but was actually a way to make them more prosperous?

    Did I blow your mind a little? I keep wrestling with the idea, and it is both fascinating, and tragically beautiful.

    Fascinating, because today when I hear talk of the Sabbath, it is always an ethereal, almost euphemistic reference to taking some random time to rest. In my journey back to God over the last few years, I’ve been struck more and more with how God’s commands aren’t simply good ideas or novel concepts, but actually belie a physical law in this world. So what if the Sabbath is no different – a command trying to illuminate an actual, physical principle of human existence, expressed to a group of people without a sufficient understanding of the human form to appreciate the truth.

    Do I always explain to my children the nuances of the rules I set? No, because often their grasp of physics and cause and effect is too limited to understand. So instead I make a rule, attempting to protect them from themselves. Certainly the Bible is rife with examples of this principle – what if the Sabbath command is no different? What if God’s original design for man is to rest for a full day once each week?

    Does that sound intimidating? It certainly makes me run to the comfort of the New Covenant!

    Tragically beautiful though, because I do not believe God designed man to work, to “do” incessantly. I believe our workaholic nature is a sin based behavior. But God knew our capacity for it, as He designed us this way. And then God gave a law to His people to try and help and protect them from the sin of over work, because they couldn’t understand the whole truth. God always loves us enough to save us from ourselves.

    So this is all well and good, and a fun mental exercise, but where’s the proof? First, in my own experience, I have seen how taking a rest can lead to increased productivity. How taking a day to have a mental break results in renewed strength and endurance. On a personal level, there is no doubt that this rule exists.

    However, science hasn’t discounted the idea either. As the New York Times, Entrepreneur, and Scientific American note, rest is critical to productivity. That’s great about rest, but what about the Sabbath angle? Here is a paper documenting a study into prosperity in rural China based on the growth of Christianity!

    Now, let me be careful here. Christianity is certainly not Judaism. And simply observing the Sabbath doesn’t magically turn me into Donald Trump. That’s not my point. My point is simply the question, what if the command to observe the Sabbath was God trying to help the Israelites overcome their own sin nature so that they could prosper?

  • Margin – The Space Between What I Have and What I Do

    Margin – The Space Between What I Have and What I Do

    Bonnie challenged me, in our final session of 2015, to pick a word or words to focus on for 2016. Immediately I knew my word was “margin”. It *better* be, I’m writing a book based on the whole idea!

    Many people are familiar with the idea of margin in the financial world, as the difference between the price of a good to the customer, and the cost of the raw materials of the good. However, I extend that definition to be the space between the effort I am currently expending and how much effort I am capable of expending. Said another way, I define margin as the difference between how much work I *can* do, and how much work I’m currently doing.

    Dictionary.com defines margin several ways, but the one that resonates with my intent is “2. an amount allowed or available beyond what is actually necessary.”

    So why is “margin” my word for 2016? Because I SUCK at margin. I run at full-throttle, all the time. I have an over developed sense of duty and responsibility. Unless I am mindful about it, I simply can’t not work. Even as I write this, I needed Maria to encourage me to sit down and write instead of work on our mortgage refinance paperwork. (Brief aside, Quicken Loans is AMAZING).

    Margin, in my world, looks like me doing more of what I enjoy, like writing. Margin contains less guilt about what I *should* be doing, and more freedom to do what I want to do. Margin allows me to live in the now, rather than always looking well into the future. Going back to the Dictionary.com definition, margin for me, is stopping at what is necessary, and at least being mindful of how I spend myself above that.

    Does margin mean I do less work? Not necessarily, and certainly not for my employer. I will still be faithful with my time to my employer. No, I may still do the same amount of work at times, but not all the time. However, at my core, I’m a workaholic, because I’m an approval-aholic, so the battle is always to do less, not whether to do enough.

    The purpose of margin is to allow me to have some mental, emotional, and physical space such that I can rest. We, as humans, are built to rest. Except me, or so I tell myself. Ever tell yourself that lie? I’ll rest when I’m dead! Right. Except that buying into that fallacy means you’ll likely die sooner!

    I also don’t consider margin to be simply a physical effort construct – instead, I believe you can, and should, live with margin physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I don’t pretend to know what it looks like to live with margin in all of those areas, but I can assure you that I’ll share it with you as I find it.

    Margin is my word for 2016, because, more than anything, my family needs it. Not because my family needs more of my time – instead, my family needs more of me present when I do give them my time. One of the hardest lessons for me to accept, is that I have more to give my family, when I do LESS. And likely the same is true for you!

    Where can you do less, so that you can make space for yourself?