Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Needs

  • Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 6/3/2013]

    This entry is the hardest for me to write, but also the one about which I feel most passionately – sexual purity in dating. Let me be very very clear before I walk any further – sexual purity in dating was NEVER a goal of mine. I would have laughed at you had you suggested it. Before I met my wife, I was in a place where I was pretty certain that the PURPOSE of dating was my own sexual gratification. However, with distance and clarity from that deep walk with sin, I can now promise you that that path holds nothing but pain and embarrassment.

    Please feel free to call me a hypocrite for this entry. As long as you keep reading, I can handle that. Do not believe the irony that *I* am writing about this is lost on me. If you had known me in high school or especially college, seeing my name on this might cause you to spit out your drink. Regardless, consider my pock-marked, bruised, and beaten spirit to be a warning sign that this path is not one you want to tread.

    So here is what I see now that I wish I had believed then: you need to keep yourself sexually pure. You already know this. It isn’t shocking to you. It isn’t even news. But our society loves to question the boundary of “sex” such that you can engage in many sexual acts and still consider yourself a “virgin.” As a father to a little girl, here is the litmus test I now find myself using – if I’d want to dismember the little boy for doing “that” with my little girl, it runs against sexual purity. As you might imagine, there is NO gray area in *my* definition.

    For clarity, I define sexual purity as doing nothing consciously to engage or arouse your own sexual desires, which includes not only physical sexual acts, but even the very TV shows, video games, and movies you choose to watch, if you are choosing to watch them because of the arousal potential.

    Yes, it is easy for me to say this now that I have a wife and regular sex partner. No, this challenge is not easy, and most of the men in our society would call it quixotic. But I would counter by saying that this is the level of sexual purity I believe God desires for all men, single, dating, engaged, married, widowed – ALL men.

    Let me speak to the area I am most familiar with, porn. If you are using porn and masturbation to meet your own “needs,” you have to stop. And I don’t mean just stop looking at porn. I mean stop masturbating. And looking at porn.

    If you are having sex, in a relationship or not, stop. Yes, stop.

    Draw a personal boundary, make the choice to take the high road, and stop. This step is by far the most painful for me to talk about. But I am firmly convinced that it is the most critical to being successful in dating.

    Let me share with you two facts about sex and orgasm that shape this conversation. First, sex and orgasm are not needs, but desires that create needs. Let me explain. Your body does not NEED to orgasm.

    I’ll wait while you let that sink in. To orgasm is NOT a need.

    To orgasm is an appetite. And like any other appetite, it can be sated for a period, but never once and for all. However, unlike hunger and thirst, an orgasm is not required for your body to live (despite what you may be feeling right this second!). The more you orgasm, the more your body desires to orgasm, much like your response to a good steak or delicious ice cream. And the more you feed that desire, it begins the transition from a desire to a craving, then to a need. That’s right, what you once knew to be a desire has become a need you feel legitimate in fulfilling by any means.

    If you are actively engaged in masturbation or sex, I’m confident you won’t believe me on this. But as someone who was fought the porn demon and won, I assure you it is the truth.

    The other fact? The quest for orgasm clouds your mind. A shocker, right? I’m glad you were sitting down. But when coupled with the first fact, what happens is that a man who is dating and masturbating or having sex is blinded to facts and reason. As is the stereotype, he thinks with his cock instead of his mind. In that state, you are, as I was, completely incapable of evaluating the woman you are dating rationally. Especially if she is already your sex partner. Thankfully my wife was not my sex partner before we were married – although I sure tried!

    So you have to put a stop to it. And you have to have stopped for quite a period (read: a year) before you are mentally clear enough to evaluate a potential mate. Yes, it will be incredibly difficult. Satan will throw everything imaginable at you in order to get you to slip up. You will wake up with wet underwear. You will be incredibly tempted by stupid things. But you *can* go without, and the clarity the abstinence provides will be well worth the pain.

    Based on my experience, if you are already deep in the chase for orgasms, you will not be able to overcome the temptation alone – you need God’s strength and grace. You will need to pray a lot. In fact, think of this period as a fast from orgasm, and like a fast, any time you are tempted, pray for strength and thank God for a healthy sex drive.

    Bottom line, in order for you to be in the right place mentally and physically to find a mate, you need to make your own sexual purity a primary objective now.

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • My War With Porn

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/16/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    I want to tell you a story about my war with addiction to pornography, the battle I finally won, and the ongoing skirmishes I still fight to this day. At the height of the war, I was absolutely convinced that I was not addicted – I didn’t even know I was fighting! But it was so bad that I would be sitting at the kitchen table next to my beautiful and sexy wife, while we were both doing homework, and I’d have a browser window up looking at porn! NEXT TO MY WIFE. Sadly, I was even convinced that she had no idea.

    And to be clear, I was sexually pleasuring myself at the same pace – A LOT.

    I had a lot of different ways to rationalize my addiction.

    I told myself that meeting my own sexual needs was okay because Maria and I had different levels of sex drive. I convinced myself that I was saving Maria from having to have more sex than she needed by using pornography!

    I told myself that no one was getting hurt. The women performing were not doing so against their wills, and would be performing even if I wasn’t looking. By the very end, I had started to believe that the women performing would want me to watch them perform!

    I was, as with all addictions, convinced I had control over the pornography. I honestly thought I was choosing to look at porn.

    As I read these things now, I am both ashamed and thankful. Ashamed because of how blind and foolish I was. Thankful because I hope that at least one man will see himself and the lies he tells himself in this, and recognize the war that he is in.

    So what was the truth?

    Clearly, porn controlled me – I looked at porn sitting next to my wife! Maria has told me since that I was very defensive and “in her face” about my “habit.” I never looked at porn at work, but I looked at porn daily. In retrospect, I was also looking for harder core and raunchier imagery to reach the same level of excitement.

    Regardless of why the women are performing, their bodies were built by God for the pleasure of their husbands, and no other man – not even a voyeur. I’m not here to rail against women wearing flattering clothing, but posing nude or performing sexual acts for a camera is clearly not in line with God’s design or desires. Looking at any porn on the web encourages an industry which degrades and abuses both women and men.

    Now the most interesting aspect of sex drive that I have come to understand is that sex is not a need. Men, listen closely: SEX IS NOT A NEED. To be clear, physical touch is a valid need many men have, which can be filled effectively by sex, but the sex itself is not a need. Here is how I know. The more you have sexual pleasure, with or without a partner, the more you want to have sex. Conversely, the longer you abstain, the easier it becomes. Don’t believe me, try it!

    So the most painful truth is that I was artificially increasing my sex drive, basically insuring that Maria couldn’t keep up! As I came to understand at the end of the war, a large driver for Maria and I not having a fulfilling sex drive was because she knew about my addiction, and felt like she couldn’t possibly compete with those women and was incredibly self-conscious in bed.

    The bottom line? The addiction I wouldn’t acknowledge was preventing me from having the fulfilling sex life with my wife that I so craved – and it was the very lack of a fulfilling sex life that I used to support my addiction!

    Now how did I win the war? God brought me to a place where I finally saw the addiction for what it was, and for the pain I was causing Maria. I recognized that I was buried too deep. I finally cried out to God to take the demon from me. And nothing happened. But God showed me that He doesn’t always operate by fixing the problem for us, but that He would empower me to overcome it. So I prayed for the strength to walk away from porn, and God granted me that power. In one fell swoop I trashed all of the magazines and videos and deleted all of the pictures, videos, and links.

    Virtually overnight my sex life with Maria improved! Talk about reinforcing positive behavior!

    Cue the triumphant music and the credits!

    Only it isn’t that simple. I am still tempted to look at porn on a fairly regular basis. The strength of the temptation varies greatly based on what else I allow myself to see and how Maria and I are doing in terms of sex. I have a strict personal rule that Maria is my only source of sexual pleasure. I try to avoid looking too closely at sexual images, but I am still a man, and very visual in my attraction.

    The other amazing lesson I have learned is that I now have the choice as to how much sexual material I am exposed to. I can choose not to click on that sexual picture on Facebook. I can choose not to take a second look at that scantily clad woman in the mall. I fail as much as I choose well, but I always have the choice, if not the strength.

    Men, if you are looking at porn you are hurting yourself. If you are dating or married, you are hurting her. If you aren’t, you are hurting the future women in your life. No amount of excitement or satisfaction from imagery can hold a candle to the amazing intimacy of sex with a loving and devoted partner. More importantly, looking at pornography is not what God wants for you. You are worth more than that, and you should not do anything to detract from the incredible satisfaction and fulfillment from the sex life God has designed for you!