Chris.Gould.Is

Month: January 2016

  • Are You My Hero?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 9/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Much like Josh [Chief Editor of BlogOfManly.com], I love the conversations and healthy debates we have behind the scenes on different topics. As iron sharpens iron, so too one man sharpens another.

    I actually agree with Josh completely on the distinction of hero and role-model. And on the need for a distinct hero class. Where I believe we actually differ is on the universality of a person’s designation as a hero, and on what defines a hero.

    What I mean is that what defines a hero for you, depending on the context, may not translate into being a hero for me. If you tell me about an amazing man who took a bullet for you, I’d quickly agree that his actions were heroic, but he would not necessarily be *my* hero.You might have watched your neighbor rescue a cat from your tree for a little boy – your neighbor is that boy’s hero, but to you simply a good neighbor. A hero is an elite status that can only be conferred by a man to another human who has made a dramatic impact on his life.

    To be clear, I do believe that there are a class of actions, generally characterized as being selfless, sacrificial, and dangerous, that are universally recognized as being heroic. In fact, I believe that in each of our hearts is a special decoder of sorts that resonates with those behaviors when we witness them. But that doesn’t make your hero my hero.

    The genesis of this conversation, as Josh mentioned, was the reboot of the Hall of Heroes section of BoM. I expressed that I didn’t really have a hero in the “took a bullet, pulled from a burning building, saved my life sense.” I’ve lived a very safe and quiet existence, and in this particular context, I am quite thankful for that. But I do have people who have given of themselves and dramatically impacted my life, that I would consider my heroes, despite them not having done anything dangerous on my behalf.

    But this begs the question, am I simply lowering the bar because I have never been in a situation to need a “true” hero? Perhaps. Or perhaps, given that the designation of hero is a personal choice, I am free to view whomever I see fit as my hero.

    I do want to take a moment, and talk about a third class of people called idols. In fact, I would call Josh’s taking guitar lessons to try and be like whatever rock star an idolization, not a hero. Because in my mind, for another person to be my hero, they have to have made a personal impact in my life. It is possible that Josh had a life changing interaction with his idol – I don’t know (but if you have a story or pictures, let’s talk!).

    See, I think it is very important to recognize the distinction between actions and position, behavior and title. I can act in ways that are universally heroic, but if it ultimately doesn’t impact anyone else’s life, I am not a hero. Conversely, if I happen to be in the right place at the right time, even if I am simply doing my job, but someone’s life is impacted, I might just be their hero. Is a firefighter a hero simply for choosing his profession, or only once he has actually saved someone from a burning building?

    To me, a hero is someone who gives of themselves selflessly for the needs of someone else. Certainly anyone who has ever given their life for another fits this description. In my mind every firefighter, police officer, soldier, sailor, marine, and airman is a hero, because they are choosing to put their very lives on the line for another, namely me. And you.

    So all of those men and women are heroes, in my opinion. And I know a share of each of those. I mean none of them any disrespect, because I am incredibly grateful for their service and sacrifice, but none of them really feels like *my* hero.

    And that, I contend, is the crux of where Josh and I differ on the topic of heroes. Yes, I can write about great men and women who have risked incredibly, and even made the ultimate sacrifice, for the good of another, and you would be encouraged, challenged, and strengthened for hearing their stories. But they would not become *your* hero. And in fact, the actions I describe that make them heroic to me, might not even sound heroic to you. Because a hero is a personal designation.

    So the stories you read of the deeds of my and other men’s heroes may not impress you as heroic, but they have had an impact on our lives. Their actions, however mundane or extraordinary, have marked our hearts and minds. I am not saying every man is a hero, but every man has the potential to leave an indelible mark on the life of another.

    Boys have heroes. Men have heroes. Our society names men and women heroes based on their actions. But being a hero to someone is not a status akin to a college degree, dictated by some agreed to standards, nor a Nobel Prize, awarded by a committee. Instead, being a hero to someone is a special designation of relationship between two individuals. But a hero is not necessarily a role model, although they are not mutually exclusive. A hero is not necessarily someone we want to become, which is the purpose of a role model, but instead simply someone we are thankful to have had touch our life in some incredible way.

  • I think I can, I think I can

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/24/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    God has a funny way of explaining the nature of my relationship to Him through my relationship to my daughter. I can’t even begin to guess the number of times God has revealed some aspect of our relationship to me this way. In fact, I understand so much better know why God has us refer to Him as “Father” than I ever could have without children.

    So God laid some wisdom on me again that way today. I had just sent Olivia to her room for disobedience, and I was coming in to check on her. She asked me if she could come out, which I said she could, as soon as she made her bed. Her bed making skills, at 3 and a half, are not spectacular – no quarters bouncing off sheets – but caring for our belongings is a lesson Maria and I are trying to teach her.

    Olivia whines and tells me that she needs me to do it, because she can’t. Now, keep in mind that I had watched her make her own bed yesterday afternoon after her nap, ALL BY HERSELF. So I reminded her of such. She didn’t have much to say in response, and slowly began making her bed.

    As I left her room, I was muttering to myself about how much I wish she would accept and take responsibility for what she IS capable of, and also to accept what she IS NOT capable of, and ask for help.

    What specifically came to mind was her swimming – given that it is summer time, we are going to the pool more, and more than once Olivia has walked off into the deeper end of the pool, absolutely convinced she can swim. Being the responsible parents Maria and I are, she is always wearing a float of some sort, so she is in no real danger, but she doesn’t understand that. She has also taken swimming lessons, despite insisting that she already knows how to swim. She refused to put her own face in the water, and even asked for help!

    But in that moment about bemoaning Olivia’s disconnect between her idea of what she can and can’t do, and what she is actually capable of, God hit me upside the head.

    You’ll find that my descriptions of how God gets my attention are rarely soft and friendly, but always in love. Now, I am not one to claim that I hear God literally speaking to me, instead I tend to hear from Him through repetition in the world around me. But God clearly laid on my heart that I too have a disconnect in what I believe I am capable of, and what He has built and empowered me to do. Oh, Snap.

    One of my many character flaws is that unless I am perfect at something, I am unwilling to accept that I have any ability to do it. Take writing! My life coach and I had a heated debate about whether I should consider myself a writer until I had been published. I am my own worst critic. My critic has been a positive attribute at my points in my life, driving me by turns to academic performance and professional success.

    But God’s power is not made perfect in my strength or success. I am only now coming to really own the fact that God has given me incredible talents in several arenas of life, but that I do not have any desire to succeed under my own power. I do not understand why God has given me gifts he has not given others, but I do understand that each of us having unique gifts creates needs for other people in our lives. However, the level of success I can achieve on my own is nothing compared to the eternal and present day benefits God has in mind, and that is the success I desire now.

    Unfortunately, the critic who has served me well in the past is now a stumbling block. Because now, much like Moses in Exodus, when God lays on my heart to go do something, my initial response is that I can’t, I am not capable. To which I now understand that, assuming God responds at all like I do to Olivia (which is NOT a safe assumption, thankfully), then He sighs, and reminds me of when I have already proven I am capable.

    How did I respond to this prompting from God? I mentally acknowledged the truth, and went to God in prayer, asking Him to reveal to me the areas I am capable but not acknowledging, and the areas I am not capable, but keep telling myself that I am. I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

    Men, you have unique talents and gifts from God. They may (likely) are not the gifts you would have chosen, but you cannot deny your talents. God created you exactly as you are with intention, purpose, and the raw materials to fulfill these callings. I firmly believe that God never calls us to do anything He doesn’t also give us the resources to accomplish. “I can’t” is never an appropriate answer to His call.

  • Edit Like a Man

    Edit Like a Man

    [Editors Note: This originally appeared as part of the BlogOfManly writer’s guide. ]

    As a group, the Blog of Manly authors are solid writers.

    Therefore, this list of writing guidelines is not meant as a sharp correction, but instead as a baseline from which our men can choose to deviate when appropriate. Formulaic writing is boring and dry. Grammar-less writing is sloppy and disingenuous. Good writing is formulaic, but breaks the rules when appropriate.

    Blog of Manly has no purpose if we are not able to engage our audience. Therefore, all of these rules and guidelines should be willingly sacrificed at the altar of engagement.

    Rule: Spell Check

    Example: None.

    Rationale: Every modern browser and editing tool has spell check built in. If you happen to be using a tool that does not, pick a different tool. If you are not using it, or are ignoring its suggestions, you are wrong. Please do not waste any one’s time fixing your spelling mistakes.

    Exceptions: If you are quoting someone in the context of telling a story, and intentionally misspell a word to emphasize their pronunciation, then MAYBE that is acceptable. Proper grammar would include a ‘[sic]’ tag following the knowingly misspelled word, although in the midst of dialog, that may prove distracting. My wife likes to talk about being “M-A-I-D, MAD,” so I could see that showing up in an entry. Just be judicious.

    Rule: Its vs It’s

    Do not use an apostrophe to show possession. “Its” shows possession, ”It’s” is a contraction for “it is” or “it has”.

    Example: The cat hurt its paw. It’s a nice day.

    Rationale: Likely the biggest grammar mistake in all of the English language, the spelling of ‘its’ is backward from how most people think of showing possession with an apostrophe. However, “Its” is consistent with other personal possessive pronouns such as “hers,” “theirs,” “yours.” If you are unsure, see whether your usage can be replaced with “it is” or “it has” – if so, use the apostrophe.

    Exceptions: None

    Rule: There, Their, and They’re

    “There” describes a location, “their” shows ownership, and “they’re” is a contraction of “they are.”

    Example: There is an empty bottle of whiskey. That is their empty bottle of whiskey. They’re going to be sorry all the whiskey is gone.

    Rationale: All three of these words sound the same, for most people, when read aloud. Unfortunately, this lack of distinction in pronunciation has led to their intermixing. Much as the “its vs. it’s” rule, the only way to get this correct (outside of letting a tool check your grammar) is to ask whether you are describing a location (there), possession (their), or a group of people’s state (they’re).

    Exceptions: None

    Rule: Subject/Verb Agreement

    The number of subjects and the number of actions must agree.

    Example: The Blog of Manly is an excellent blog. The Blog of Manly authors are excellent men.

    Rationale: The only real rationale for proper “subject/verb agreement” is writing correctness. Making this mistake makes our work look silly.

    Exceptions: None

    Rule: Indistinct Sentence Subjects

    Sentences where the subject is “they,” “it,” “he,” etc.

    Example: I enjoy reading the Blog of Manly. It is a challenging read.

    Rationale: The short answer is that every sentence should stand alone – if you can’t take every sentence out of context and it still be a complete idea, then it needs to be reworked. That each sentence needs to stand-alone is especially true in our medium, where readers are prone to interruptions and distractions. If you find yourself with more than one sentence in the same paragraph with an indistinct subject, fix it.

    Exceptions: It can be tedious to rename the subject in each sentence. In tightly coupled paragraphs with complex subjects, it can be acceptable to use an indistinct subject.

    Rule: Word Choice

    Use strong words rather than adverbs

    Example: The Blog of Manly is very good. The Blog of Manly is excellent.

    Rationale: People always love to use the word “very” or “really” in order to intensify an adjective. However, “very,” “really,” and words like it, do not convey a strong image, they simply turn into filler. A far better choice is to choose a more powerful adjective that exactly captures the essence that you are trying to communicate.

    Exceptions: None.

    Rule: Passive Voice

    Choose verbs that express an active voice, and thus cause the subject to be the “do-er” instead of the recipient of the action.

    Example: My last entry was approved by the editor. The editor approved my last entry.

    Rationale: Active voice is more interesting to read. Technically speaking, there is nothing wrong with passive voice, despite what you might have learned in English classes. In arenas where the use of first (I) and second person (you) is prohibited, such as technical writing or literary reviews, passive voice is a virtual requirement. Blog of Manly, however, has no such prohibitions, so passive voice should not be necessary.

    Exceptions: Any use of “is,” “are,” and “was” should be reviewed, but this is more of a guideline than a rule, so exceptions are plentiful.

    Rule: Starting with a Conjunction

    Starting a sentence with “But,” “And,” and even “However.”

    Example: I love the Blog of Manly. But sometimes it can be too much manliness at once.

    Rationale: There is technically nothing wrong with starting a sentence with a conjunction, except in a few specific scenarios: it causes an indistinct subject, or it falls across paragraphs. As in my example, the issue is not so much the conjunction as the use of an indistinct subject, really indicating that the two sentences are one complete thought, and should be punctuated as such. In the case of falling across paragraphs, starting the first sentence of a paragraph with a conjunction is incorrect. If the sentence begins a paragraph rebutting or continuing the previous paragraph, then the conjunction needs to be replaced with a proper lead-in such as “In contrast to …”.

    Exceptions: Again, more a guideline than a rule, so exceptions are plentiful, but use should be judicious.

    Rule: Incomplete sentences

    Sentences without a proper subject and verb.

    Example: And of course, when quoting dialog.

    Rationale: In the example, which is clearly taken out of context, there is no clear subject. Much like the “indistinct subject” discussion, incomplete sentences are dangerous, especially in our web-based context. Each sentence should be able to stand-alone and convey a clear meaning.

    Exceptions: Where the incomplete sentence is being used to add emphasis. Incomplete sentences are jarring, and that can be used to great effect, but also must be judicious in application.

    Rule: Sentence Punctuation

    Use of ‘;’ and ‘-‘.

    Example: I’m very tired today – I drank too much last night. I hate hang-overs; they are not worth the price of admission. My head feels like a can of rocks – noisy, jarring, and moving unpredictably.

    Rationale: These two punctuation marks, the semi-colon ‘;’, and em dash ‘-‘ (vs. the figure or en dash), can be used to connect two related statements, and even can facilitate the use of an indistinct subject. The em dash can also be used as a stronger form of parenthesis “()” to add clarity or description. The semi-colon can also be used in place of a comma in a list of items, where the item description is longer. However, the semi-colon should never be used with a conjunction, such as “and” or “but.”

    Exceptions: Neither the semi-colon or em dash should be used to connect unrelated ideas, and care must be taken that the resulting sentence is not too long.

    Rule: Oxford Comma

    Adding commas to a list

    Example: I had an interesting meal of beer, pizza and eggs. I had an interesting meal of beer, pizza, and eggs.

    Rationale: Always put a comma after the second to last item in a list, before the conjunction. Without the “Oxford” comma, as it is called, then the use of the conjunction is indistinct. In the first example, it is not clear whether my pizza had eggs on it, or they were two separate dishes. In the second example, there is no confusion.

    Exceptions: None. Period.

    Rule: Paragraph Structure

    One idea per paragraph

    Example: The first sentence of a paragraph should introduce the main idea of the paragraph. The following sentences should support the main idea introduced in the first sentence. No new ideas should be presented in the supporting sentences, but instead be made into discrete paragraphs. The final sentence should summarize and/or conclude the idea introduced in the first sentence – and should *never* lead into the next paragraph.

    Rationale: Mentally, readers expect a paragraph to convey one idea. When multiple ideas are introduced in a single paragraph, or the end of a paragraph attempts to introduce the following paragraph, the intent of the paragraph is muddled, and the author is not showing well-organized thoughts. Paragraphs can be a single sentence, or several. However, paragraphs longer than 4-5 sentences need to be examined for a logical break in ideas that can be presented separately.

    Exceptions: None really; well-organized writing follows this pattern.

    Rule: Structure

    Primacy and Recency

    Rationale: Human beings tend to only remember the first and last information they receive. Most likely our readers will only leave your entry with whatever idea you started with, and whatever take away you provided at the end. The text in the middle will serve to reinforce both points, but the strongest ideas should be in the beginning or the end.

    Exceptions: Hard breaks with horizontal lines, quotes, pictures, numbering, bullets, etc. can help the reader pick up on more than the two ideas, but still the most important should lead or end.

    Rule: Length

    Each Blog of Manly Entry should be 600-800 words, maximum of 1000.

    Rationale: Our readers are reading our work in an electronic format. As such, they are prone to interruptions and distractions. It is our duty, as the authors of Blog of Manly, to provide tightly written, well-organized, coherent work. Numerous studies have shown that the attention span of readers on blogs tends to wane dramatically after the 600-word mark. Taken with the above guidelines, each author needs to spend some quality time on the editing phase of every entry, taking care in conveying the message completely, but concisely. In addition, no author should fear breaking their entry into two parts, rather than one long winding entry.

    Exceptions: Length should be carefully watched, but is secondary to completeness and clarity.

    Rule: Tone

    How a Blog of Manly Entry should be Presented

    Rationale: Blog of Manly has no purpose if we are not able to engage our audience. One of the strongest ways to engage with people is to speak to them on a personal level. Blog of Manly is not a technical or scholarly publication. Always use a conversational tone – every entry should be written as a conversation with the reader. First (I) and second (you) person subjects are acceptable. Contractions, while generally not appropriate, are acceptable on occasion. Telling personal anecdotes is encouraged. Ask questions. Make it personal.

    Exceptions: None.

     

     

  • My War With Porn

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/16/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    I want to tell you a story about my war with addiction to pornography, the battle I finally won, and the ongoing skirmishes I still fight to this day. At the height of the war, I was absolutely convinced that I was not addicted – I didn’t even know I was fighting! But it was so bad that I would be sitting at the kitchen table next to my beautiful and sexy wife, while we were both doing homework, and I’d have a browser window up looking at porn! NEXT TO MY WIFE. Sadly, I was even convinced that she had no idea.

    And to be clear, I was sexually pleasuring myself at the same pace – A LOT.

    I had a lot of different ways to rationalize my addiction.

    I told myself that meeting my own sexual needs was okay because Maria and I had different levels of sex drive. I convinced myself that I was saving Maria from having to have more sex than she needed by using pornography!

    I told myself that no one was getting hurt. The women performing were not doing so against their wills, and would be performing even if I wasn’t looking. By the very end, I had started to believe that the women performing would want me to watch them perform!

    I was, as with all addictions, convinced I had control over the pornography. I honestly thought I was choosing to look at porn.

    As I read these things now, I am both ashamed and thankful. Ashamed because of how blind and foolish I was. Thankful because I hope that at least one man will see himself and the lies he tells himself in this, and recognize the war that he is in.

    So what was the truth?

    Clearly, porn controlled me – I looked at porn sitting next to my wife! Maria has told me since that I was very defensive and “in her face” about my “habit.” I never looked at porn at work, but I looked at porn daily. In retrospect, I was also looking for harder core and raunchier imagery to reach the same level of excitement.

    Regardless of why the women are performing, their bodies were built by God for the pleasure of their husbands, and no other man – not even a voyeur. I’m not here to rail against women wearing flattering clothing, but posing nude or performing sexual acts for a camera is clearly not in line with God’s design or desires. Looking at any porn on the web encourages an industry which degrades and abuses both women and men.

    Now the most interesting aspect of sex drive that I have come to understand is that sex is not a need. Men, listen closely: SEX IS NOT A NEED. To be clear, physical touch is a valid need many men have, which can be filled effectively by sex, but the sex itself is not a need. Here is how I know. The more you have sexual pleasure, with or without a partner, the more you want to have sex. Conversely, the longer you abstain, the easier it becomes. Don’t believe me, try it!

    So the most painful truth is that I was artificially increasing my sex drive, basically insuring that Maria couldn’t keep up! As I came to understand at the end of the war, a large driver for Maria and I not having a fulfilling sex drive was because she knew about my addiction, and felt like she couldn’t possibly compete with those women and was incredibly self-conscious in bed.

    The bottom line? The addiction I wouldn’t acknowledge was preventing me from having the fulfilling sex life with my wife that I so craved – and it was the very lack of a fulfilling sex life that I used to support my addiction!

    Now how did I win the war? God brought me to a place where I finally saw the addiction for what it was, and for the pain I was causing Maria. I recognized that I was buried too deep. I finally cried out to God to take the demon from me. And nothing happened. But God showed me that He doesn’t always operate by fixing the problem for us, but that He would empower me to overcome it. So I prayed for the strength to walk away from porn, and God granted me that power. In one fell swoop I trashed all of the magazines and videos and deleted all of the pictures, videos, and links.

    Virtually overnight my sex life with Maria improved! Talk about reinforcing positive behavior!

    Cue the triumphant music and the credits!

    Only it isn’t that simple. I am still tempted to look at porn on a fairly regular basis. The strength of the temptation varies greatly based on what else I allow myself to see and how Maria and I are doing in terms of sex. I have a strict personal rule that Maria is my only source of sexual pleasure. I try to avoid looking too closely at sexual images, but I am still a man, and very visual in my attraction.

    The other amazing lesson I have learned is that I now have the choice as to how much sexual material I am exposed to. I can choose not to click on that sexual picture on Facebook. I can choose not to take a second look at that scantily clad woman in the mall. I fail as much as I choose well, but I always have the choice, if not the strength.

    Men, if you are looking at porn you are hurting yourself. If you are dating or married, you are hurting her. If you aren’t, you are hurting the future women in your life. No amount of excitement or satisfaction from imagery can hold a candle to the amazing intimacy of sex with a loving and devoted partner. More importantly, looking at pornography is not what God wants for you. You are worth more than that, and you should not do anything to detract from the incredible satisfaction and fulfillment from the sex life God has designed for you!

  • Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    I had a random thought the other day, that I felt compelled to share with you, dear reader! Clearly I am fixated on the ideas of margin and rest right now, so this topic won’t come as too much of a shock. To cut to the chase, here’s the idea: what if the idea of a day of rest, a Sabbath, is actually contrary to man’s inherent sin nature? And if so, what if the observation of a day of rest actually enables and enhances productivity and health?

    In short, what if God’s command to keep a Sabbath wasn’t simply to provide the Israelite nation a day of rest, but was actually a way to make them more prosperous?

    Did I blow your mind a little? I keep wrestling with the idea, and it is both fascinating, and tragically beautiful.

    Fascinating, because today when I hear talk of the Sabbath, it is always an ethereal, almost euphemistic reference to taking some random time to rest. In my journey back to God over the last few years, I’ve been struck more and more with how God’s commands aren’t simply good ideas or novel concepts, but actually belie a physical law in this world. So what if the Sabbath is no different – a command trying to illuminate an actual, physical principle of human existence, expressed to a group of people without a sufficient understanding of the human form to appreciate the truth.

    Do I always explain to my children the nuances of the rules I set? No, because often their grasp of physics and cause and effect is too limited to understand. So instead I make a rule, attempting to protect them from themselves. Certainly the Bible is rife with examples of this principle – what if the Sabbath command is no different? What if God’s original design for man is to rest for a full day once each week?

    Does that sound intimidating? It certainly makes me run to the comfort of the New Covenant!

    Tragically beautiful though, because I do not believe God designed man to work, to “do” incessantly. I believe our workaholic nature is a sin based behavior. But God knew our capacity for it, as He designed us this way. And then God gave a law to His people to try and help and protect them from the sin of over work, because they couldn’t understand the whole truth. God always loves us enough to save us from ourselves.

    So this is all well and good, and a fun mental exercise, but where’s the proof? First, in my own experience, I have seen how taking a rest can lead to increased productivity. How taking a day to have a mental break results in renewed strength and endurance. On a personal level, there is no doubt that this rule exists.

    However, science hasn’t discounted the idea either. As the New York Times, Entrepreneur, and Scientific American note, rest is critical to productivity. That’s great about rest, but what about the Sabbath angle? Here is a paper documenting a study into prosperity in rural China based on the growth of Christianity!

    Now, let me be careful here. Christianity is certainly not Judaism. And simply observing the Sabbath doesn’t magically turn me into Donald Trump. That’s not my point. My point is simply the question, what if the command to observe the Sabbath was God trying to help the Israelites overcome their own sin nature so that they could prosper?

  • Where Are The Dads?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/6/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    This week, I have been watching some of the most amazing examples of God’s creation demonstrate their incredible skills in the Olympics. I must confess, this is the first year I have really watched the Olympics with more than a passing interest, largely because my wife loves watching gymnastics. NBC has really done a nice job of making the athletes more human, and I am really enjoying their efforts.

    So here is the scene: NBC is dragging out Phelps’s silver medal (#18) and gold medal (#19). Interspersed with Phelps’s races, the focus shifts to the American women’s gymnastics team stepping up and owning the floor. During the whole production, I find that I am enjoying the images of the parents of the athletes, sharing in their children’s agony and joy. I love the stories of how the athletes came to be where they are, the incredible level of focus, determination, and willingness to sacrifice for a greater good that they all exhibit. I try to put myself in the shoes of those parents, looking at my own children, wondering if I would  have the strength and stomach to support them chasing a dream like the Olympics. There is no question that climbing to that level of competition requires a commitment of time and money for which few have the fortitude.

    Then a commercial break – and the Proctor and Gamble commercial saluting Moms plays again. It is a really good commercial, and fun to watch. I think there are at least four different versions, and all tug at the heart strings. I love the people stories!

    But then I got mad. Really mad.

    Not because Phelps should have taken one more stroke in the 200 fly, but instead glided to the wall and took silver.

    I was reflecting on being a parent of an Olympic athlete, and the imagery of the parents of the athletes. And then it hit me that the parents shown are predominately mothers only. And I began to wonder, where  are the dads?

    For these athletes, this competition is likely the most important event in their life to date! How could any father choose to miss this? I understand that life happens. So maybe the missing dads have a legitimate excuse for not attending. But I guarantee I would move heaven and earth to support my child at any event that was important to them, much less the OLYMPICS.

    Now let me be clear, there were some dads clearly in attendance, so please don’t miss my point here. The message clearly transmitted by the imagery and commercials is that the moms are what count, and seeing a dad in attendance (or by himself) is an anomaly.

    So back to the P&G commercial. Mothers are critical in the lives of their children, there is no question. But fathers are critical too, and in some circles considered to have a larger impact than the mother in the life of a child. I’m not bashing single mothers – they are incredible women to take on the responsibility all by themselves. But I am mad that P&G isn’t airing an analogous commercial for dads. Fathers teach their children to trust, how to control their strength, how to live with integrity, and what to expect from their own marriages, among other things.

    Chewing on all of this, I begin to think about the impact that a missing dad might have on a budding athlete. How many of these athletes might be at the Olympics because they are driven for a measure of love and acceptance that they never received from their dads? How many might be trying to prove to their missing dad that they have value and worth? That they are capable and deserving of love and affection? Is it possible that for some of these athletes, the Olympics is a demonstration of the lengths they will go to in order to find respect and acceptance? To forsake everything for a chance to stand atop a podium and be awarded a medal, for all the world to see? To be loved and adored by the entire world? What will it benefit an athlete to gain the whole world, if he loses his soul?

    My heart breaks for any athlete, and in fact any human being, who feels they must sacrifice themselves on the altar of the world to try and find the love, affection, and acceptance that their own dad should have given them. Because let’s be honest, every human had a father at some point.

    If you are in the unfair position of not having felt the love, affection, acceptance, and respect from your father, take heart! There is a Father who wants to provide all of that and more to you! He *already* loves, affirms, accepts, and respects you, right where you are! There is a reason God has man refer to him as “Father” – because that is the role He can fill in your life. Cry out to God and let Him fill you up!

    If you are a father, you must accept responsibility for your influence on their lives! You get the choice whether to fill them with love, respect, affirmation, courage, strength, and confidence – or not. Whether or not you had any desire to be a father, God has called you into this role, so you must man up, put on your big boy pants, and make the right choice. Being a father is a privilege and a blessing!

     

  • When Am I A Man?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    One of the biggest questions I have wrestled with since being married and becoming a father, has been the question of when I became I man. Or more specifically, what proof did I have of my manhood. I don’t know about you, but I never had any sort of manhood rite-of-passage.

    Today, I have no doubts that I am a man. When I look in the mirror, I sometimes see the little boy I was decades ago. But even as much as a year or two ago, I still was not sure that I was actually a man. So what did I finally learn was the turning point from boy to man?

    I had the fortune early in my career to be selected for and graduate from the leadership development program of a very well known company. After a year in the program, I was talking to “the Don” about how rigorous the selection process was, and he explained to me then that the biggest hurdle to someone being selected was their own courage to apply. It took me years to realize the truth in his statement.

    So what does making a choice have to do with being a man? After all, a male becomes a man when he first has sex, right? Or has his first beer? First gets drunk and throws up? Makes $100k a year? Grows his first short and curlies? Has a title that includes “president”? Fathers a child? Kills another human? Isn’t that the message we men are presented by society? And let’s not forget that a real man has no friends, emotions, or weaknesses!

    As your heart is likely screaming, none of that is what it really means to be a man! And in fact, there is no one act past which any male becomes a man. No milestone, no off-ramp from boyhood, no specific turning point. At least not an externally observable one.

    See, a boy becomes a man when he *chooses* to begin taking responsibility for himself, his actions, those for which he has responsibility, and anyone else within his sphere of influence, and begins to make his decisions based on what is best for others over himself. He answers the call of responsibility, maturity, and selflessness. He begins to recognize his own strengths and weaknesses, and starts to think in terms of finding others to help cover his weaknesses, so that he doesn’t leave those he loves exposed. He does whatever is necessary to provide and protect those in his responsibility.

    As Dr. Robert Lewis says in the Quest for Authentic Manhood, an authentic man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater rewards.

    Does that definition resonate in your heart? My heart rang like a gong when I first heard that!

    In my walk, as I finally began to understand this truth, I had to take a hard look at my own life, the decisions I was making, and the priorities that were guiding my decisions. And I came up woefully short. We are all the sum of our decisions, and I wasn’t adding up to much.

    Are you asking yourself whether any man today lives up to that standard? The answer, of course, is no. Only one man *ever* lived up to that standard – Jesus Christ.

    But there are large numbers of males since who have lived trying to reach the destination of authentic manhood, myself included. For a present-day example, this quote is taken from a statement from Randy Blythe,  front man for the band Lamb of God, who was in prison in the Czech Republic on charges related to the death of a fan at a concert (emphasis mine):

    If it is deemed necessary for me to do so, I WILL return to Prague to stand trial. While I maintain my innocence 100%, and will do so steadfastly, I will NOT hide in the United States, safe from extradition and possible prosecution. As I write this, the family of a fan of my band suffers through the indescribably tragic loss of their child. They have to deal with constantly varying media reports about the circumstances surrounding his death. I am charged with maliciously causing severe bodily harm to this young man, resulting in his death. While I consider the charge leveled against me ludicrous and without qualification, my opinion makes no difference in this matter. The charge exists, and for the family of this young man, questions remain. The worst possible pain remains. It is fairly common knowledge amongst fans of my band that I once lost a child as well. I, unfortunately, am intimately familiar with what their pain is like. Therefore, I know all too well that in their time of grief, this family needs and deserves some real answers, not a media explosion followed by the accused killer of their son hiding like a coward thousands of miles away while they suffer. I am a man. I was raised to face my problems head on, not run from them like a petulant child. I hope that justice is done, and the family of Daniel N. will receive the closure they undoubtably need to facilitate healing. I feel VERY STRONGLY that as an adult, it would be both irresponsible and immoral for me not to return to Prague if I am summoned. This is not about bail money. This is about a young man who lost his life. I will act with honor, and I will fight to clear my good name in this matter. Thank you for reading this, and I wish you all peace.

    Please take the time to read his entire statement here.

    Men, boys, and those who are unsure where they stand, the call to manhood is distinct and inescapable in your heart. Stand up and decide that you want to be a man starting today. God gave you a man’s body, but only you can strive to lay claim to a man’s heart.

    The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior. – Judges 6:12

     

  • But Why?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/27/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    My daughter is a beautiful little girl. Sadly, she has an ugly habit that drives my wife, Maria, and I to near tears at times. No amount of admonishment or threat of punishment stems the flow of this vile behavior, especially when she is tired or in a mood. At times, it is enough to make me scream!

    So what is this terrible habit that a 3 and a half year old has that could possibly be so skull-crushing? Why, she insists on asking “why?”

    Let’s be very clear, she isn’t asking because she really wants to understand better. For instance, yesterday, Olivia and I were preparing to go to the store for groceries. Her video had finished and I was finishing up balancing our checkbook. She asks me to start another video, to which I respond “No, we are about to leave for the store.” Her predictable response? “But wwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy!?!”

    Although I don’t think my daughter has a hearing problem, I am certain she has a listening problem. I’m also pretty sure she isn’t really curious as to my rationale for not starting another video. Truth be told, if she didn’t throw such a fit when we have to stop a video in the middle, I WOULD start another.

    It is a sad irony to me that Maria and I once opined that Olivia seemed late in starting the “why” phase, and actually worried about it!

    Let me pause and say that Olivia is a wonderful little girl. Frighteningly smart, but very courteous, sweet, and loving. She is very rules oriented, and, for the most part, easy to parent. And I adore her. This rant is starting to sound like she is a brat, but alas, she is simply 3 and a half years old. If you have or have had a 3 and a half year old, you know exactly what I am talking about.

    So this morning, at 4:36 am, my son screams. He apparently likes to do this between 3:00 and 5:00 am virtually every day. I’m not sure why, because if I was, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY FIXED IT. But let me just say how much Maria and I enjoy this particular alarm with no snooze button.

    Maria and I get out of bed, and I agree to change his diaper while she will feed and get him back to sleep – the far more daunting task, to be sure. I change his diaper, and return to bed, but I am loathe to go back to sleep for fear she will need something and I won’t hear her. Since this painfully early alarm has been happening for a while, our process has evolved such that neither sleeps until the boy does, in case the other needs help.

    So I say a quick prayer, telling God that I know He is in control and that this serves His purposes, but could He please help me understand why we are continuing to fight this battle with Samuel? I begin reading on my phone, first email, then Facebook, then a daily devotional, ooh a new email, and then I open up iBooks. I recently read Francis Chan’sForgotten God, which I loved. So I started to read Chan’s book,  Crazy Love. In the middle of the first chapter, God thumps my gourd again.

    Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation? – Francis Chan, Crazy Love, Chapter 1

    Yeah. Snap.

    And God kindly brought to mind my frustration earlier with Olivia asking why I wouldn’t turn on another video. I don’t know why we are still fighting with Samuel to sleep through the night, despite his being 10 and a half months old. And I know that it is ok for me to ask God why. But it is awfully arrogant to expect Him to explain it to me. And for me to pout because God won’t give me my way.

    When Olivia asks me why, I will generally try to explain it to her. But many times I marvel at how to summarize all I have learned about the world, and all that I believe about how to manage her health and development, in a manner that her 3 and a half year old mind can possible comprehend. But I can only imagine it is the same for our God – He created the entire universe, including our very bodies! He is timeless and unchanging. How can He possibly simplify what He knows and why He is allowing something to happen to someone who has only been alive and aware for 31 years?

    God knows there are times I get so angry at what is happening, like Samuel not sleeping, and, in these instances, I demand answers from God. Just as I know Olivia gets mad and frustrated when she doesn’t get her way. But God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, and His mind is not knowable by my mind. I know God knows and wants what is best for me, as I hope Olivia has the same trust in Maria and I. But clearly I forget or ignore that trust in times of trial.

    So where are you in the level of trust you place in your Creator? Do you count it all joy when you face trials? Do you take comfort in knowing that the same God who created and controls everything loves you enough to have His own Son killed in order to be able to reach you? Yes, God is either permitting or causing your current circumstances. But He is only choosing for you what you would choose, if you only know what He knows.

  • Margin – The Space Between What I Have and What I Do

    Margin – The Space Between What I Have and What I Do

    Bonnie challenged me, in our final session of 2015, to pick a word or words to focus on for 2016. Immediately I knew my word was “margin”. It *better* be, I’m writing a book based on the whole idea!

    Many people are familiar with the idea of margin in the financial world, as the difference between the price of a good to the customer, and the cost of the raw materials of the good. However, I extend that definition to be the space between the effort I am currently expending and how much effort I am capable of expending. Said another way, I define margin as the difference between how much work I *can* do, and how much work I’m currently doing.

    Dictionary.com defines margin several ways, but the one that resonates with my intent is “2. an amount allowed or available beyond what is actually necessary.”

    So why is “margin” my word for 2016? Because I SUCK at margin. I run at full-throttle, all the time. I have an over developed sense of duty and responsibility. Unless I am mindful about it, I simply can’t not work. Even as I write this, I needed Maria to encourage me to sit down and write instead of work on our mortgage refinance paperwork. (Brief aside, Quicken Loans is AMAZING).

    Margin, in my world, looks like me doing more of what I enjoy, like writing. Margin contains less guilt about what I *should* be doing, and more freedom to do what I want to do. Margin allows me to live in the now, rather than always looking well into the future. Going back to the Dictionary.com definition, margin for me, is stopping at what is necessary, and at least being mindful of how I spend myself above that.

    Does margin mean I do less work? Not necessarily, and certainly not for my employer. I will still be faithful with my time to my employer. No, I may still do the same amount of work at times, but not all the time. However, at my core, I’m a workaholic, because I’m an approval-aholic, so the battle is always to do less, not whether to do enough.

    The purpose of margin is to allow me to have some mental, emotional, and physical space such that I can rest. We, as humans, are built to rest. Except me, or so I tell myself. Ever tell yourself that lie? I’ll rest when I’m dead! Right. Except that buying into that fallacy means you’ll likely die sooner!

    I also don’t consider margin to be simply a physical effort construct – instead, I believe you can, and should, live with margin physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I don’t pretend to know what it looks like to live with margin in all of those areas, but I can assure you that I’ll share it with you as I find it.

    Margin is my word for 2016, because, more than anything, my family needs it. Not because my family needs more of my time – instead, my family needs more of me present when I do give them my time. One of the hardest lessons for me to accept, is that I have more to give my family, when I do LESS. And likely the same is true for you!

    Where can you do less, so that you can make space for yourself?

  • Marriage 101: Communication

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 10/1/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!