[Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]
One of the biggest questions I have wrestled with since being married and becoming a father, has been the question of when I became I man. Or more specifically, what proof did I have of my manhood. I don’t know about you, but I never had any sort of manhood rite-of-passage.
Today, I have no doubts that I am a man. When I look in the mirror, I sometimes see the little boy I was decades ago. But even as much as a year or two ago, I still was not sure that I was actually a man. So what did I finally learn was the turning point from boy to man?
I had the fortune early in my career to be selected for and graduate from the leadership development program of a very well known company. After a year in the program, I was talking to “the Don” about how rigorous the selection process was, and he explained to me then that the biggest hurdle to someone being selected was their own courage to apply. It took me years to realize the truth in his statement.
So what does making a choice have to do with being a man? After all, a male becomes a man when he first has sex, right? Or has his first beer? First gets drunk and throws up? Makes $100k a year? Grows his first short and curlies? Has a title that includes “president”? Fathers a child? Kills another human? Isn’t that the message we men are presented by society? And let’s not forget that a real man has no friends, emotions, or weaknesses!
As your heart is likely screaming, none of that is what it really means to be a man! And in fact, there is no one act past which any male becomes a man. No milestone, no off-ramp from boyhood, no specific turning point. At least not an externally observable one.
See, a boy becomes a man when he *chooses* to begin taking responsibility for himself, his actions, those for which he has responsibility, and anyone else within his sphere of influence, and begins to make his decisions based on what is best for others over himself. He answers the call of responsibility, maturity, and selflessness. He begins to recognize his own strengths and weaknesses, and starts to think in terms of finding others to help cover his weaknesses, so that he doesn’t leave those he loves exposed. He does whatever is necessary to provide and protect those in his responsibility.
As Dr. Robert Lewis says in the Quest for Authentic Manhood, an authentic man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater rewards.
Does that definition resonate in your heart? My heart rang like a gong when I first heard that!
In my walk, as I finally began to understand this truth, I had to take a hard look at my own life, the decisions I was making, and the priorities that were guiding my decisions. And I came up woefully short. We are all the sum of our decisions, and I wasn’t adding up to much.
Are you asking yourself whether any man today lives up to that standard? The answer, of course, is no. Only one man *ever* lived up to that standard – Jesus Christ.
But there are large numbers of males since who have lived trying to reach the destination of authentic manhood, myself included. For a present-day example, this quote is taken from a statement from Randy Blythe, front man for the band Lamb of God, who was in prison in the Czech Republic on charges related to the death of a fan at a concert (emphasis mine):
If it is deemed necessary for me to do so, I WILL return to Prague to stand trial. While I maintain my innocence 100%, and will do so steadfastly, I will NOT hide in the United States, safe from extradition and possible prosecution. As I write this, the family of a fan of my band suffers through the indescribably tragic loss of their child. They have to deal with constantly varying media reports about the circumstances surrounding his death. I am charged with maliciously causing severe bodily harm to this young man, resulting in his death. While I consider the charge leveled against me ludicrous and without qualification, my opinion makes no difference in this matter. The charge exists, and for the family of this young man, questions remain. The worst possible pain remains. It is fairly common knowledge amongst fans of my band that I once lost a child as well. I, unfortunately, am intimately familiar with what their pain is like. Therefore, I know all too well that in their time of grief, this family needs and deserves some real answers, not a media explosion followed by the accused killer of their son hiding like a coward thousands of miles away while they suffer. I am a man. I was raised to face my problems head on, not run from them like a petulant child. I hope that justice is done, and the family of Daniel N. will receive the closure they undoubtably need to facilitate healing. I feel VERY STRONGLY that as an adult, it would be both irresponsible and immoral for me not to return to Prague if I am summoned. This is not about bail money. This is about a young man who lost his life. I will act with honor, and I will fight to clear my good name in this matter. Thank you for reading this, and I wish you all peace.
Please take the time to read his entire statement here.
Men, boys, and those who are unsure where they stand, the call to manhood is distinct and inescapable in your heart. Stand up and decide that you want to be a man starting today. God gave you a man’s body, but only you can strive to lay claim to a man’s heart.
The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior. – Judges 6:12