Chris.Gould.Is

Month: February 2016

  • What I’m Listening To Right Now – Brown Bird, Bilgewater

     

    I wish I could articulate exactly what it is about this song that resonates with me right now, but I love it!

     

    The lyrics remind me that daily struggles serve a purpose, with a refrain like this:

    if the sun was always shining and our load always light
    we’d be shaking like a leaf with every God given night
    and we’d break under the weight of any pressure
    that was ever applied

    The struggle of feeling no relief is definitely an emotion I deal with regularly:

    when everyday is like a war
    you find no strength from your usual source
    there’s no peace, there’s no rest
    your fortitude is feeling put to the test

     

    This may not be your style of music, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

  • Take Your Turn

    Take Your Turn

    Do you martyr yourself on a regular basis? If someone has to sacrifice, is it always you? Let me tell you about my own experiencing of the cost of martyrdom…

    Did you know that here in Texas, we actually have road signs reminding drivers to “Drive Friendly”? Most of my readers right now live in Texas, so that’s not a great surprise. But if you don’t live here (you should!) and have never visited (you must!), then this is probably surprising to you.

    I like to try and observe life lessons from the behavior I see of people around me. Do you like to do that? Maybe I’m crazy? Regardless, I find it fascinating to observe how people behave in different circumstances, and try to abstract the fundamental rules of life from those behaviors.

    Witnessing the Cost of Martyrdom

    The Heart Causes Deadlock
    The Heart Causes Deadlock

    So the other morning, I’m taking my daughter to school. The traffic flow into this school’s parking lot isn’t great, but it works well enough, as long as everyone is playing by the rules. This particular morning, we are actually a few minutes earlier than usual, and yet we are moving painfully slowly towards the school. As we approach the entrance to the school parking lot, I see exactly why. In the traffic pattern for this school, you can either approach from the north or the south, and you can also depart to the north or to the south. The majority of the influx approaches from the north, and also departs to the north. If all cars followed this routing, the traffic would be smooth as butter. But of course, they don’t. Some people approach from the south, and then have to either force their way into the stream of traffic, or wait to be let in. Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was curious if anyone reads this whole paragraph. The most fascinating part of this ballet is that often the south approaching cars will stop such that the north departing cars cannot pull out into the road, and if this goes on long enough, the parking lot deadlocks, as was the case on this particular morning. Some kind soul was sitting in the heart spot, refusing to go, until the whole system locked up.

    What is the Point?

    Are your eyes glazed over yet? Do you even care about my story any more? I’ll cut to the chase, and save you any more mindless descriptions of traffic patterns. The point is that sometimes people will stop, in an attempt to be friendly, to allow someone else to turn. Generally this is both reasonable and necessary.
    However, more often than not, the yielding driver may be helping the turning driver(s), but ends up punishing everyone else in line.

    The moral of this story? Sometimes the most effective way you can love everyone around you is by simply taking your turn and going. Sometimes, you taking care of your needs, *is* the most effective way to provide for those around you.

    Paradoxical, huh?

    You may think I’m full of crap, but there is a reason that when you fly with children, they entreat you to put on your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child – you are no benefit to your children if you suffocate first.

    I suck at looking after myself. I’m the first to martyr myself in the service of those around me. I look for opportunities to fall on my sword for others. I know now that it stems from my addiction to affirmation. However, as Bonnie likes to point out lately, I am responsible for the livelihood of five people in this world, three of which can’t fend for themselves. If I am not minding my own health and well-being, I am putting them in jeopardy too. I don’t love that truth, I confess. I may be making myself feel good by being a martyr, but I’m not being the provider they need.

    So I’m working on this. In fact, my writing of this article is part of me trying to look after myself. What about you? Are you good at looking after your own needs on a regular basis? Or do you like to fall on your sword at every opportunity?

  • Is God Disappointed With You?

    Is God Disappointed With You?

    No, God is not disappointed with you.

    Sorry if you were hoping I was going to tell you that He is.

    If you have a moment, I’d like to explain why I’m confident He is not disappointed with you…

    I had a mentor once, many years ago now, who really challenged a great many of my preconceived notions of who God is. I wish I had recordings of many of our conversations, because I am still in awe of his wisdom. This particular entry stems from some wisdom he laid on me once, that has become a bedrock for me on this journey.

    Ever get frustrated with yourself because you know what you should be doing, and you just don’t seem to have the willpower to *actually* do it? I’m willing to bet that the majority of people feel this way from time to time, if not more often. That’s where I found myself late yesterday evening, whining and nursing the emotional wound of having spent a whole day not doing what I knew I needed to do. To be fair, I have some serious pressure to get some work done, which is what I was focused on. And my “need to do” was write, which doesn’t pay the bills – at least not yet! I was whining to a good buddy, a fellow journeyman on this road to purpose. We were commiserating on how painful it is to get to the end of the day, and know in your heart that you didn’t do the one thing you should have done.

    Even worse than knowing you didn’t do what you were supposed to, is the nagging guilt of having disappointed God. After all, He put this calling my heart, right? So if I don’t do what I’m supposed to, I’m disobeying and disappointing the Almighty God?

    Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap? [tweetthis]Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap?[/tweetthis] If I had a nickel for every time that thought crossed my brain, writing wouldn’t need to pay the bills!

    Wondering what happened to my mentor’s wisdom in the midst of all this whining and bellyaching? Yeah, me too – its coming, I promise!

    So that’s where I found myself, moping about what a failure at life I am, at least thankful to have a buddy to share my grief. He lovingly told me he was going to kick my ass for beating myself up so hard. And he’s right, I’m not a failure at life – but my standard for myself is perfection, so everything feels like a failure. But his verbal jolt to my pity party reminded me of my mentor’s wisdom. I was in a similar mopey, down on myself mood, and my mentor hit me with this:

    God is not disappointed with you. God will never love you and more or less than He does right now. God wants better for you than you are choosing today, but He loves you just the same. God knows that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. God knows that, because He built us that way, and He wrote it!

    My mentor was absolutely correct, of course. The Bible is clear about the whole spirit willing, flesh weak thing. So the next time you find yourself down on yourself, remember this wisdom: God is not disappointed with you.

  • Struggle Gut Check

    Struggle Gut Check

    I came here tonight hoping to be able to translate some of what is swirling around in my brain into my chosen form of expression – writing. But as I fired up this page, I felt muted. Part of the issue is that much of what I’m processing isn’t in the forefront of my brain, and thus I can’t magically pipe it to the page. Another part is that I went back and looked at some of what I had written years ago, in my work with Bonnie, my life coach. These old posts dated from 2011, 2012, and 2013, and yet much of what I struggled with back then hasn’t changed. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes, undoubtedly. But am I the man I want to be? Not yet. Do I still have many emotional miles to cover? Clearly.

    I wrote this on July 17, 2013:

    I do not communicate with myself well. I do not respect my own needs. I do not appreciate the work I accomplish or the gifts and talents I have been given. I sell myself short on my capabilities, and oversell on my energy and time. I think of myself as less valuable than everyone else, which is a short-cut to being humble and serving others – if I am not as valuable as they are, then it isn’t much of a stretch to be humble and serve others. After all, a mute taking a vow of silence is a falsehood – he will always keep it, but not because he chooses to keep it. I do not believe myself deserving of anyone else’s time, energy, or efforts. I view myself as not being a risk taker, and not accomplishing much for the Kingdom of God. I lack discipline in finances and spiritual matters. I crave significance and affirmation, but I reject all compliments and encouragement. I have a near pathological fear of pride, because I know that pride comes before the fall, and I fear the fall. I do not believe that I am worthy of God’s love, and I am still trying to earn/justify it. My critic is still alive and well, but has learned to be more subtle and attack less frequently – it has become more of a guerrilla war than a full on assault. I do not take any time for things I enjoy. I do not know what I enjoy, although I have some ideas.

    Not all of this is as true today as it was then, but it isn’t all better today either.

    All of this has made me remember part of why I’m doing this blog, writing my book, and the like – my journey *is* core to my calling. God has called me to help other men, and especially husbands and fathers, find joy in their lives. But my authenticity and relevance will be much in question if I haven’t lived it first. So I’m reminded that part of the purpose of this very blog is to capture my journey, so that future men can see that I have been where they are, and have the experience to help guide them to a better place.

    Where am I today? Let’s take a look:

     

    Struggle: Workaholic-ism

    I still easily fall into workaholic-ism. My default for much of my life has been to find affirmation through my works, and so whenever I am feeling uncertain or unappreciated, I default to working harder. If not at my day job, then around the house, helping friends, volunteering, or anything else I can think of. I shy away from reading fiction, forcing myself back into reading self-help books. I’m much better about recognizing the symptoms, especially the reading thing, than I’ve ever been, but I haven’t found a replacement source of affirmation.

     

    Struggle: Affirmation Addiction

    Speaking of affirmation, I am addicted to affirmation. Ironically, I posted a picture of Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction for a photo-a-day challenge I’ve started, when the prompt was about what I was reading, and was complimented on being transparent with my struggles. I totally missed the importance of showing the world I was reading that. Regardless, I am a slave to affirmation. Approval Addiction is kicking my ass, and I don’t much care for it – but Meyer is spot on. I do feel like I have made progress on this front as well, both in recognizing my dependence on others for approval, and in beginning to unearth the next clue in where this addiction originated.

     

    Struggle: Self-Affirmation

    I am unable to affirm myself. This hasn’t changed. I am beginning to understand that I don’t trust anyone’s opinion of me or my work, including Maria (my wife of almost 10 years!). Maria has done nothing to deserve my distrust, but it exists, nonetheless. In fact, Maria is my biggest champion and cheerleader on this journey, despite my inability to believe her sincerity. But I trust my own opinion of myself least of all – which clearly is closely tied to my approval addiction. There is much work to be done here.

     

    Struggle: Finding My Purpose

    I continue to press into my purpose. Understanding my purpose has been, by far, the most significant progress I have made since I’ve started working with Bonnie. When she and I first met, I had no idea that I even had a purpose, or what it might be – I actually remember telling her that I thought I hated people! Since you are reading this now, that clearly isn’t the case. I really can’t even articulate, in a concise enough fashion for a blog entry, the distance I have covered in this arena.

     

    If you are like me, a man on a journey, I ask two actions of you:

    First, please ask yourself if my struggles sound at all like something you struggle with. I suspect you wrestle the same demons I do, and I want you to be able to name them as such.

    Second, if you do share my struggle, please connect with me somehow – Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Email, what have you. Please don’t attempt this journey alone – if nothing else, having someone else fighting the same fights will give you piece of mind.