Chris.Gould.Is

Month: January 2017

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Submission

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 11/13/2012]

    I really struggle with the idea of submission. The Christian language is littered with submission. To Christ. To your spouse. To others. To the government. When I came back to Christ as an adult, I really wrestled with the idea of submission. After all, I am a strong man, I don’t need to submit to anything! But I also understood that the whole point is to willingly choose His will over mine. So that left me with a dilemma – what does submission look like? The imagery that came to mind was slavery, having no say or free will. And I chafed at that idea! I’m certain that my negative imagery and dislike of the word “submission” had *nothing* to do with my struggle!

    So I tried a series of approaches. I begged God to take the steering wheel of my life, and nothing. I tried to march on my own without consulting God, trusting God to make my paths straight, and I crashed. I spent months praying about what it is supposed to look and feel like for me to submit. So finally God led me to understand what my surrender should look like, and at the same time He revealed a profound truth to me.

    The picture of submission God desires is of a knight swearing his allegiance and fealty to the King. The knight is strong and powerful in his own right. A warrior. But he is choosing, of his own free will, to swear his sword and his allegiance to this King. Why would he make this submission? Because he trusts and believes that what the King offers and provides greatly exceeds what he can gain on his own. Because he wants the power of the other knights who have also sworn to this King behind him as he rides into battle. And because he expects this King to reward him greatly for his loyalty and service.

    Now, this isn’t some sudden exclamation of fealty at seeing this King vanquish your king on the field of battle, although He has certainly done so. No, this is the intentional, daily choice of submitting your strength and sword to the service and will of the King. To obey, and perform both the mundane and the glorious. To serve, and be willing to submit, even to the point of death, for fulfillment of the King’s will.

    This picture really resonates with my heart! I love the idea of being a warrior, strong in my own right, but choosing to submit my will. I am not a slave. I am not a thrall. I have free will, and I am *choosing* where to submit my allegiance and obedience.

    In all honesty, this picture scares me too. After all, in order to be capable of this level of submission, even to the point of death, I have to be certain that this King to whom I submit is trustworthy and has my life and best interests at heart, at least so long as it doesn’t conflict with His own will. I don’t want to be sent to die unless it is absolutely necessary to do so to achieve the King’s will.

    Wait. Let’s be honest. I don’t want to be sent to die. At all.

    But I can’t avoid pledging my will to someone. If I pledge it to no one, I am pledging it to myself by default.

    And I already know I’m not the strongest knight, nor the most valiant warrior. I am strong and capable, but alone I will fall quickly if my foe is many or large. So I’d much rather have additional swords at my side. But the only way to have additional swords at my side is to either convince others to swear their allegiance to me, or to swear my own to another. Given my previous assertions about my own strength, convincing others to swear to me seems an unlikely prospect.

    The remaining answer is to pledge fealty to another. So I am left to choose a King whose heart is pure and loves me dearly.

    I am a fierce and mighty warrior. I am trained and gifted in the use of numerous worldly, fleshly weapons. I am a force to be reckoned with. I can do incredible things, in this world, with the strength and skills with which I am imbued. But none of it matters if I am slain on the battlefield by an opponent because I simply couldn’t continue to fight on my own. I know that I will stumble, be wounded, be weak, as I march along this path. But the victory of my cause is assured if I am fighting with a great host for a righteous cause.

    Does this all sound like a fantasy novel? Unfortunately in our society today, each man is considered to be his own god, so it is hard to point to a current picture of submission. But I hope the truth of this imagery resonates with you too. There are three important points in my description that I don’t want you to miss. First and foremost, you cannot avoid submitting your will to someone or something, even if that someone is yourself. Second, submission does not make you weak or less of a man, it is a choice made from a position of strength and courage. Third, God has many other knights to fight beside and with you, and to pick you up when you fall.

    Men, you too are mighty warriors. You need other warriors to fight with you – This is the only path to success, and ultimately eternal life. Submit to Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, take up your weapons, and join our fight!