[Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]
Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.
I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.
I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.
First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.
You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.
Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.
As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.
If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.
Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!
In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!
Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.
Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!
Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!