I had a good session with my life coach, Bonnie, today over lunch. We talked about a great many things, but there are a few that I am still chewing on…
A loving God can love each human equally, yet not gift, empower, or emplace them equally. In other words, if you take what Jesus said literally, God does not build each and every human being with the same capacities for different aspects of life. The Bible is clear that different people have different gifts. Jesus said that we would always have poor people with us. Yes, some people are allowed to be born into horrible conditions, born with horrible conditions, or born with simply less capacity. I hate believing that, but the evidence is clear that is the case. I *want* a loving God to have built each and every human equally, by some measure. The US Constitution affirms that “all men are created equal”. Equal in the eyes of a loving God, but not equalLY.
Part of the issue here is that, on some level, I associate earning potential with value in God’s eyes, which is a fallacy. God loves us all equally despite, and in some cases, in spite, of our earning potential.
I’m hoping, although I’m going to do some more thinking, praying, and reading, but I’m hoping that God has created us all with an equal capacity to experience joy – that would help make my mental model work. Of course, God doesn’t need or care about the validity of my mental model, nor should he. Do I think some people are built to find joy faster or more easily, certainly. Can some people experience more joy than others – if they choose to. But I absolutely believe that God has placed a burden and a purpose on every person’s heart, and that working in and towards that produces joy. So in that regard, I believe we are all built with the same joy “potential”.
What does any of this have to do with guilt? I’m glad you asked! One of the things Bonnie was pushing me on, is the fact that I feel guilty for using the gifts God has given me. As if I shouldn’t have them, or shouldn’t expose them to the world, for fear of hurting/embarrassing/making someone feel bad.
Why?
I have no idea, but I’m going to be chewing on that for a while. I can’t possibly imagine begrudging anyone using a God-given gift, except in the case that it highlights for me that I am not using my own gift of a similar nature. But even in that scenario, my issue is with my own choices, not theirs.
Regardless, I feel guilty for being talented and gifted in the ways that I am.
According to Bonnie, and I trust her wisdom, even if I’m loathe to accept it, the only guilt related to my Godly gifts should be not using them or sharing them with the world. Closely related would be thinking myself better than others who don’t share my gifts, which would be prideful, and I should feel guilty about.
As I chewed on this stuff on my drive back home, I was brought face-to-face with the realization that I am afraid to embrace my true self. I am afraid of myself. Afraid of what unchaining myself might lead to. I can’t articulate a clear fear for letting myself run at full throttle, but I see that I fear it. I am afraid of my full potential. I don’t know why.