[Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/9/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]
[Blog of Manly is happy to introduce Chris. We’ll let him tell his own story, but we wanted to express our excitement to have him on board. We put Chris through the ringer! We asked a lot of questions and offered a lot of feedback. He handled the process like a man of integrity and courage. We think you’re going to enjoy getting to know him too.]
When my beautiful wife, Maria, and I first got married a little over six years ago, I had problems. Problems such as believing that climbing the corporate ladder would fulfill me; an insatiable drive to be perfect fueled by a fear of ever being wrong; no idea what it meant to be a man, a husband, or the leader of a household; no relationship with God of any sort; and perhaps most insidiously, a serious addiction to pornography.
I had (have!) a beautiful wife, a good, upwardly mobile job, a good education, a strong work ethic, and was killing it in the success category. I was sensitive and loving, not markedly male in the caveman sense, supportive, nurturing, and feminine. I could cook, clean, iron, and do laundry. In other words, I was the stereotypical man as defined by our society. But, I honestly questioned whether I was actually a man.
I thought I was happy.
Here is the dark reality: Maria did not feel secure, because I was not leading our household; our sex life was unsatisfying because I was addicted to porn; and in general, my life was happy at times, but joyless. We put on a good show, but we were both miserable and hurting. Neither of our needs were being met, and we were clueless as to how to change our marriage. We were committed to each other, but we both knew our marriage was hurting.
We had planned when we got married to have children, once we had reached a certain level of financial stability. Certainly, since our marriage was hurting, having a child would make it better! So after we had been married a little over 2 years, Maria got pregnant.
Thankfully, during Maria’s 7th month of pregnancy, God rocked my world.
Let me back up some, and give you some of my back-story.
See, I had been raised in the church – my dad was a music minister at the local church for a dozen or so years of my life. I gave my life to Jesus and was baptized when I was 8. But, due to some drama in that church around the time I was 16, we stopped going to church entirely. At 16, I wasn’t real inclined to get up early on Sundays anyway, so I wasn’t particularly broken up. Fast forward to college, and I majored in engineering, where things are so well understood and cut and dried that there is no room for God – of course, that is a fallacy. But, at the time I was not looking to find God in my world. For approximately eleven years, I had avoided God.
Now, back to our story previously in progress.
Here are some truths about having a daughter that all men must recognize, regardless of whether they have a faith in God. Men, your daughters will use you as their template for their future husbands. They will use how you treat their mother as a playbook for how to expect their husbands to treat them. Therefore, if you love your daughter, and want her to have a happy, healthy marriage someday, then you need to take a hard look at your marriage right now. You create your daughter’s self-image, and teach her to trust. You will decide how susceptible she is to the wiles of boys, based on how much you reinforce her self-concept and confidence as you raise her.
I knew these truths, and none of that was enough to really cause me to seek God. The truth that rocked my world is that I, and you men, as a father, am the template my daughter will use for GOD.
For GOD!
God refers to Himself as our Father, and I would be the only Father that my daughter would know.
Here is why that rocked my world: I didn’t have much if any faith at the time, but I knew my life was not even a shred of a reasonable representation of God, whether I believed He existed or not. And I decided in that instant that I wanted to be the best representation of God to her that I could possibly be. But, I also realized that I was powerless to get there on my own.
At this point, I was knocked on my butt. That is when I mentally kneeled before God (I was driving at the time!) and begged Him to change me.
The moment of submission is how my journey began. Today I stand before you a changed man, no different on the outside (except a little heavier), but completely different on the inside. I’d be lying today if I told you that I am a perfect Biblical man, husband, father, son, employee, friend, or brother. But I am certain that I am a man and that I am learning to fill these roles better as I journey on.
I have learned and experienced so many things about my relationship to myself, my wife, my children, my God, and my world! I have overcome my addiction to porn. I have a fulfilling sex life with my wife. I have found joy in my life, largely independent of my circumstances. I am learning to take risks (you are reading one!). Maria has told me that I love and accept her like Jesus would. I am a work in progress, broken but not devastated. Every day I try to focus on being better than I was the day before. And I love my life!
I won’t promise that I can teach you any of these things, but I do promise to work at sharing everything I am able. God has shown me that I have a heart for helping men find peace, confidence in their manhood, and understanding what being a man of God looks like. I hope you will walk with me in this journey of Manhood!