Category: Writing

  • Money Tells a Story

    Money Tells a Story

    When talking about turning down opportunities on the Tim Ferris podcast, Seth Godin explained that “Money is a story. Once you have enough for beans and rice, and taking care of your family, and a few other things, money is a story. And, you can tell yourself any story you want about money. But its better to tell yourself a story about money that you can happily live with.”

    Interestingly, this quote closely mirrors Bonnie‘s comment to me, after telling her about an incident I had recently with a pharmacist. Bonnie asked me what story did the pharmacist’s behavior tell me about myself?

    So here’s the incident in question: I was going to pick up a prescription for Maria, and through some *fun* insurance mix-up, they didn’t have Maria’s current insurance. The cash price of the prescription was $14.99. The pharmacist explained the insurance situation, I confirmed that the price was $15, and said it would be fine. The pharmacist innocently asked me, “Are you sure?” I politely affirmed that I was, but internally I was ENRAGED. How dare he ask me a second time?? What, do I look like $15 is a hardship? Sure, I drive a ten-year old car, and I was probably several days unshaven and in a t-shirt. But we are talking about $15, not $1500! Am I not MAN enough to provide for my wife’s medical needs??

    Does my response seem disproportionate to you? Fortunately, it did to me too.

    I’ve really been chewing on why the pharmacist’s confirmation of my willingness to pay cash for a prescription, rather than bill the insurance, enraged me so much. Do I believe the pharmacist was concerned that I couldn’t afford it? No. I don’t honestly think it would have mattered whether I was driving a Bentley, smiling through gold teeth, and smoking $100 bills, I think he would have asked anyway (quite a mental image though!).

    But here’s what I’ve come to understand about my view of money: being able to spend money seemingly carelessly means you are successful.

    That makes total sense, right? I mean, success equals carefree money?

    Yeah, no.

    So in my mind, when the pharmacist confirmed my willingness to pay for the prescription, what I really heard was him questioning my success in life, as a provider, as a man.

    I have an unhealthy relationship with money. When my family has margin in our cash flow, I am at ease. As soon as things tighten up any, as they invariably do with three beautifully accident and illness prone children, I get crazy tense. I begin to refuse to buy simple things I actually need, like aftershave. Seriously, right now, I need to buy some aftershave and won’t, because it seems superfluous. But I’d rather sacrifice the very skin of my face, than spend the money!

    The rat hole goes much deeper than this, as I’ve come to understand. Turns out I would rather forgo buying things I need, to protect whatever little cash we happen to have on hand, so that I don’t have to say to Maria or anyone that we can’t afford something. What is really important to me is that I appear to be successful in front of others, and the only way I know to communicate that is by always being able to spend money when called upon. I’m talking about things like going to the movies as a group, impromptu trips to see family members, etc. I don’t mean truly extravagant things. The whole thing is nuts!

    Let me stop and say that I make plenty of money, and I know that my family is well provided for. Ironically, what matters is not how big or small the number I report on my taxes as income, because only Maria and I (and some unknown number of bureaucrats in the IRS!) ever see that. But my self-confidence rides the balance in our checking account like a stock trader rides the indexes.

    There’s no happy ending here for me, at this point. This post is simply the ripping off of the emotional scab that has hidden the wound and the underlying truth, knowing that now it can begin to heal properly.

    If you find yourself in a similar boat, fighting with money regardless of your actual income, take heart! Your value, as a person, is NOT based on how much money you can spend at the drop of a hat. Nor is your worth based on how much money you bring home, how many toys you have, or how big your house is. Neither is mine. We both have to learn to accept the truth of that.

     

  • What I’m Listening To Right Now – Brown Bird, Bilgewater

     

    I wish I could articulate exactly what it is about this song that resonates with me right now, but I love it!

     

    The lyrics remind me that daily struggles serve a purpose, with a refrain like this:

    if the sun was always shining and our load always light
    we’d be shaking like a leaf with every God given night
    and we’d break under the weight of any pressure
    that was ever applied

    The struggle of feeling no relief is definitely an emotion I deal with regularly:

    when everyday is like a war
    you find no strength from your usual source
    there’s no peace, there’s no rest
    your fortitude is feeling put to the test

     

    This may not be your style of music, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

  • Take Your Turn

    Take Your Turn

    Do you martyr yourself on a regular basis? If someone has to sacrifice, is it always you? Let me tell you about my own experiencing of the cost of martyrdom…

    Did you know that here in Texas, we actually have road signs reminding drivers to “Drive Friendly”? Most of my readers right now live in Texas, so that’s not a great surprise. But if you don’t live here (you should!) and have never visited (you must!), then this is probably surprising to you.

    I like to try and observe life lessons from the behavior I see of people around me. Do you like to do that? Maybe I’m crazy? Regardless, I find it fascinating to observe how people behave in different circumstances, and try to abstract the fundamental rules of life from those behaviors.

    Witnessing the Cost of Martyrdom

    The Heart Causes Deadlock
    The Heart Causes Deadlock

    So the other morning, I’m taking my daughter to school. The traffic flow into this school’s parking lot isn’t great, but it works well enough, as long as everyone is playing by the rules. This particular morning, we are actually a few minutes earlier than usual, and yet we are moving painfully slowly towards the school. As we approach the entrance to the school parking lot, I see exactly why. In the traffic pattern for this school, you can either approach from the north or the south, and you can also depart to the north or to the south. The majority of the influx approaches from the north, and also departs to the north. If all cars followed this routing, the traffic would be smooth as butter. But of course, they don’t. Some people approach from the south, and then have to either force their way into the stream of traffic, or wait to be let in. Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was curious if anyone reads this whole paragraph. The most fascinating part of this ballet is that often the south approaching cars will stop such that the north departing cars cannot pull out into the road, and if this goes on long enough, the parking lot deadlocks, as was the case on this particular morning. Some kind soul was sitting in the heart spot, refusing to go, until the whole system locked up.

    What is the Point?

    Are your eyes glazed over yet? Do you even care about my story any more? I’ll cut to the chase, and save you any more mindless descriptions of traffic patterns. The point is that sometimes people will stop, in an attempt to be friendly, to allow someone else to turn. Generally this is both reasonable and necessary.
    However, more often than not, the yielding driver may be helping the turning driver(s), but ends up punishing everyone else in line.

    The moral of this story? Sometimes the most effective way you can love everyone around you is by simply taking your turn and going. Sometimes, you taking care of your needs, *is* the most effective way to provide for those around you.

    Paradoxical, huh?

    You may think I’m full of crap, but there is a reason that when you fly with children, they entreat you to put on your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child – you are no benefit to your children if you suffocate first.

    I suck at looking after myself. I’m the first to martyr myself in the service of those around me. I look for opportunities to fall on my sword for others. I know now that it stems from my addiction to affirmation. However, as Bonnie likes to point out lately, I am responsible for the livelihood of five people in this world, three of which can’t fend for themselves. If I am not minding my own health and well-being, I am putting them in jeopardy too. I don’t love that truth, I confess. I may be making myself feel good by being a martyr, but I’m not being the provider they need.

    So I’m working on this. In fact, my writing of this article is part of me trying to look after myself. What about you? Are you good at looking after your own needs on a regular basis? Or do you like to fall on your sword at every opportunity?

  • Is God Disappointed With You?

    Is God Disappointed With You?

    No, God is not disappointed with you.

    Sorry if you were hoping I was going to tell you that He is.

    If you have a moment, I’d like to explain why I’m confident He is not disappointed with you…


    I had a mentor once, many years ago now, who really challenged a great many of my preconceived notions of who God is. I wish I had recordings of many of our conversations, because I am still in awe of his wisdom. This particular entry stems from some wisdom he laid on me once, that has become a bedrock for me on this journey.

    Ever get frustrated with yourself because you know what you should be doing, and you just don’t seem to have the willpower to *actually* do it? I’m willing to bet that the majority of people feel this way from time to time, if not more often. That’s where I found myself late yesterday evening, whining and nursing the emotional wound of having spent a whole day not doing what I knew I needed to do. To be fair, I have some serious pressure to get some work done, which is what I was focused on. And my “need to do” was write, which doesn’t pay the bills – at least not yet! I was whining to a good buddy, a fellow journeyman on this road to purpose. We were commiserating on how painful it is to get to the end of the day, and know in your heart that you didn’t do the one thing you should have done.

    Even worse than knowing you didn’t do what you were supposed to, is the nagging guilt of having disappointed God. After all, He put this calling my heart, right? So if I don’t do what I’m supposed to, I’m disobeying and disappointing the Almighty God?

    Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap? [tweetthis]Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap?[/tweetthis] If I had a nickel for every time that thought crossed my brain, writing wouldn’t need to pay the bills!

    Wondering what happened to my mentor’s wisdom in the midst of all this whining and bellyaching? Yeah, me too – its coming, I promise!

    So that’s where I found myself, moping about what a failure at life I am, at least thankful to have a buddy to share my grief. He lovingly told me he was going to kick my ass for beating myself up so hard. And he’s right, I’m not a failure at life – but my standard for myself is perfection, so everything feels like a failure. But his verbal jolt to my pity party reminded me of my mentor’s wisdom. I was in a similar mopey, down on myself mood, and my mentor hit me with this:

    God is not disappointed with you. God will never love you and more or less than He does right now. God wants better for you than you are choosing today, but He loves you just the same. God knows that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. God knows that, because He built us that way, and He wrote it!

    My mentor was absolutely correct, of course. The Bible is clear about the whole spirit willing, flesh weak thing. So the next time you find yourself down on yourself, remember this wisdom: God is not disappointed with you.

  • Struggle Gut Check

    Struggle Gut Check

    I came here tonight hoping to be able to translate some of what is swirling around in my brain into my chosen form of expression – writing. But as I fired up this page, I felt muted. Part of the issue is that much of what I’m processing isn’t in the forefront of my brain, and thus I can’t magically pipe it to the page. Another part is that I went back and looked at some of what I had written years ago, in my work with Bonnie, my life coach. These old posts dated from 2011, 2012, and 2013, and yet much of what I struggled with back then hasn’t changed. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes, undoubtedly. But am I the man I want to be? Not yet. Do I still have many emotional miles to cover? Clearly.

    I wrote this on July 17, 2013:

    I do not communicate with myself well. I do not respect my own needs. I do not appreciate the work I accomplish or the gifts and talents I have been given. I sell myself short on my capabilities, and oversell on my energy and time. I think of myself as less valuable than everyone else, which is a short-cut to being humble and serving others – if I am not as valuable as they are, then it isn’t much of a stretch to be humble and serve others. After all, a mute taking a vow of silence is a falsehood – he will always keep it, but not because he chooses to keep it. I do not believe myself deserving of anyone else’s time, energy, or efforts. I view myself as not being a risk taker, and not accomplishing much for the Kingdom of God. I lack discipline in finances and spiritual matters. I crave significance and affirmation, but I reject all compliments and encouragement. I have a near pathological fear of pride, because I know that pride comes before the fall, and I fear the fall. I do not believe that I am worthy of God’s love, and I am still trying to earn/justify it. My critic is still alive and well, but has learned to be more subtle and attack less frequently – it has become more of a guerrilla war than a full on assault. I do not take any time for things I enjoy. I do not know what I enjoy, although I have some ideas.

    Not all of this is as true today as it was then, but it isn’t all better today either.

    All of this has made me remember part of why I’m doing this blog, writing my book, and the like – my journey *is* core to my calling. God has called me to help other men, and especially husbands and fathers, find joy in their lives. But my authenticity and relevance will be much in question if I haven’t lived it first. So I’m reminded that part of the purpose of this very blog is to capture my journey, so that future men can see that I have been where they are, and have the experience to help guide them to a better place.

    Where am I today? Let’s take a look:


     

    Struggle: Workaholic-ism

    I still easily fall into workaholic-ism. My default for much of my life has been to find affirmation through my works, and so whenever I am feeling uncertain or unappreciated, I default to working harder. If not at my day job, then around the house, helping friends, volunteering, or anything else I can think of. I shy away from reading fiction, forcing myself back into reading self-help books. I’m much better about recognizing the symptoms, especially the reading thing, than I’ve ever been, but I haven’t found a replacement source of affirmation.


     

    Struggle: Affirmation Addiction

    Speaking of affirmation, I am addicted to affirmation. Ironically, I posted a picture of Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction for a photo-a-day challenge I’ve started, when the prompt was about what I was reading, and was complimented on being transparent with my struggles. I totally missed the importance of showing the world I was reading that. Regardless, I am a slave to affirmation. Approval Addiction is kicking my ass, and I don’t much care for it – but Meyer is spot on. I do feel like I have made progress on this front as well, both in recognizing my dependence on others for approval, and in beginning to unearth the next clue in where this addiction originated.


     

    Struggle: Self-Affirmation

    I am unable to affirm myself. This hasn’t changed. I am beginning to understand that I don’t trust anyone’s opinion of me or my work, including Maria (my wife of almost 10 years!). Maria has done nothing to deserve my distrust, but it exists, nonetheless. In fact, Maria is my biggest champion and cheerleader on this journey, despite my inability to believe her sincerity. But I trust my own opinion of myself least of all – which clearly is closely tied to my approval addiction. There is much work to be done here.


     

    Struggle: Finding My Purpose

    I continue to press into my purpose. Understanding my purpose has been, by far, the most significant progress I have made since I’ve started working with Bonnie. When she and I first met, I had no idea that I even had a purpose, or what it might be – I actually remember telling her that I thought I hated people! Since you are reading this now, that clearly isn’t the case. I really can’t even articulate, in a concise enough fashion for a blog entry, the distance I have covered in this arena.


     

    If you are like me, a man on a journey, I ask two actions of you:

    First, please ask yourself if my struggles sound at all like something you struggle with. I suspect you wrestle the same demons I do, and I want you to be able to name them as such.

    Second, if you do share my struggle, please connect with me somehow – Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Email, what have you. Please don’t attempt this journey alone – if nothing else, having someone else fighting the same fights will give you piece of mind.

  • Are You My Hero?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 9/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Much like Josh [Chief Editor of BlogOfManly.com], I love the conversations and healthy debates we have behind the scenes on different topics. As iron sharpens iron, so too one man sharpens another.

    I actually agree with Josh completely on the distinction of hero and role-model. And on the need for a distinct hero class. Where I believe we actually differ is on the universality of a person’s designation as a hero, and on what defines a hero.

    What I mean is that what defines a hero for you, depending on the context, may not translate into being a hero for me. If you tell me about an amazing man who took a bullet for you, I’d quickly agree that his actions were heroic, but he would not necessarily be *my* hero.You might have watched your neighbor rescue a cat from your tree for a little boy – your neighbor is that boy’s hero, but to you simply a good neighbor. A hero is an elite status that can only be conferred by a man to another human who has made a dramatic impact on his life.

    To be clear, I do believe that there are a class of actions, generally characterized as being selfless, sacrificial, and dangerous, that are universally recognized as being heroic. In fact, I believe that in each of our hearts is a special decoder of sorts that resonates with those behaviors when we witness them. But that doesn’t make your hero my hero.

    The genesis of this conversation, as Josh mentioned, was the reboot of the Hall of Heroes section of BoM. I expressed that I didn’t really have a hero in the “took a bullet, pulled from a burning building, saved my life sense.” I’ve lived a very safe and quiet existence, and in this particular context, I am quite thankful for that. But I do have people who have given of themselves and dramatically impacted my life, that I would consider my heroes, despite them not having done anything dangerous on my behalf.

    But this begs the question, am I simply lowering the bar because I have never been in a situation to need a “true” hero? Perhaps. Or perhaps, given that the designation of hero is a personal choice, I am free to view whomever I see fit as my hero.

    I do want to take a moment, and talk about a third class of people called idols. In fact, I would call Josh’s taking guitar lessons to try and be like whatever rock star an idolization, not a hero. Because in my mind, for another person to be my hero, they have to have made a personal impact in my life. It is possible that Josh had a life changing interaction with his idol – I don’t know (but if you have a story or pictures, let’s talk!).

    See, I think it is very important to recognize the distinction between actions and position, behavior and title. I can act in ways that are universally heroic, but if it ultimately doesn’t impact anyone else’s life, I am not a hero. Conversely, if I happen to be in the right place at the right time, even if I am simply doing my job, but someone’s life is impacted, I might just be their hero. Is a firefighter a hero simply for choosing his profession, or only once he has actually saved someone from a burning building?

    To me, a hero is someone who gives of themselves selflessly for the needs of someone else. Certainly anyone who has ever given their life for another fits this description. In my mind every firefighter, police officer, soldier, sailor, marine, and airman is a hero, because they are choosing to put their very lives on the line for another, namely me. And you.

    So all of those men and women are heroes, in my opinion. And I know a share of each of those. I mean none of them any disrespect, because I am incredibly grateful for their service and sacrifice, but none of them really feels like *my* hero.

    And that, I contend, is the crux of where Josh and I differ on the topic of heroes. Yes, I can write about great men and women who have risked incredibly, and even made the ultimate sacrifice, for the good of another, and you would be encouraged, challenged, and strengthened for hearing their stories. But they would not become *your* hero. And in fact, the actions I describe that make them heroic to me, might not even sound heroic to you. Because a hero is a personal designation.

    So the stories you read of the deeds of my and other men’s heroes may not impress you as heroic, but they have had an impact on our lives. Their actions, however mundane or extraordinary, have marked our hearts and minds. I am not saying every man is a hero, but every man has the potential to leave an indelible mark on the life of another.

    Boys have heroes. Men have heroes. Our society names men and women heroes based on their actions. But being a hero to someone is not a status akin to a college degree, dictated by some agreed to standards, nor a Nobel Prize, awarded by a committee. Instead, being a hero to someone is a special designation of relationship between two individuals. But a hero is not necessarily a role model, although they are not mutually exclusive. A hero is not necessarily someone we want to become, which is the purpose of a role model, but instead simply someone we are thankful to have had touch our life in some incredible way.

  • I think I can, I think I can

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/24/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    God has a funny way of explaining the nature of my relationship to Him through my relationship to my daughter. I can’t even begin to guess the number of times God has revealed some aspect of our relationship to me this way. In fact, I understand so much better know why God has us refer to Him as “Father” than I ever could have without children.

    So God laid some wisdom on me again that way today. I had just sent Olivia to her room for disobedience, and I was coming in to check on her. She asked me if she could come out, which I said she could, as soon as she made her bed. Her bed making skills, at 3 and a half, are not spectacular – no quarters bouncing off sheets – but caring for our belongings is a lesson Maria and I are trying to teach her.

    Olivia whines and tells me that she needs me to do it, because she can’t. Now, keep in mind that I had watched her make her own bed yesterday afternoon after her nap, ALL BY HERSELF. So I reminded her of such. She didn’t have much to say in response, and slowly began making her bed.

    As I left her room, I was muttering to myself about how much I wish she would accept and take responsibility for what she IS capable of, and also to accept what she IS NOT capable of, and ask for help.

    What specifically came to mind was her swimming – given that it is summer time, we are going to the pool more, and more than once Olivia has walked off into the deeper end of the pool, absolutely convinced she can swim. Being the responsible parents Maria and I are, she is always wearing a float of some sort, so she is in no real danger, but she doesn’t understand that. She has also taken swimming lessons, despite insisting that she already knows how to swim. She refused to put her own face in the water, and even asked for help!

    But in that moment about bemoaning Olivia’s disconnect between her idea of what she can and can’t do, and what she is actually capable of, God hit me upside the head.

    You’ll find that my descriptions of how God gets my attention are rarely soft and friendly, but always in love. Now, I am not one to claim that I hear God literally speaking to me, instead I tend to hear from Him through repetition in the world around me. But God clearly laid on my heart that I too have a disconnect in what I believe I am capable of, and what He has built and empowered me to do. Oh, Snap.

    One of my many character flaws is that unless I am perfect at something, I am unwilling to accept that I have any ability to do it. Take writing! My life coach and I had a heated debate about whether I should consider myself a writer until I had been published. I am my own worst critic. My critic has been a positive attribute at my points in my life, driving me by turns to academic performance and professional success.

    But God’s power is not made perfect in my strength or success. I am only now coming to really own the fact that God has given me incredible talents in several arenas of life, but that I do not have any desire to succeed under my own power. I do not understand why God has given me gifts he has not given others, but I do understand that each of us having unique gifts creates needs for other people in our lives. However, the level of success I can achieve on my own is nothing compared to the eternal and present day benefits God has in mind, and that is the success I desire now.

    Unfortunately, the critic who has served me well in the past is now a stumbling block. Because now, much like Moses in Exodus, when God lays on my heart to go do something, my initial response is that I can’t, I am not capable. To which I now understand that, assuming God responds at all like I do to Olivia (which is NOT a safe assumption, thankfully), then He sighs, and reminds me of when I have already proven I am capable.

    How did I respond to this prompting from God? I mentally acknowledged the truth, and went to God in prayer, asking Him to reveal to me the areas I am capable but not acknowledging, and the areas I am not capable, but keep telling myself that I am. I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

    Men, you have unique talents and gifts from God. They may (likely) are not the gifts you would have chosen, but you cannot deny your talents. God created you exactly as you are with intention, purpose, and the raw materials to fulfill these callings. I firmly believe that God never calls us to do anything He doesn’t also give us the resources to accomplish. “I can’t” is never an appropriate answer to His call.

  • Edit Like a Man

    Edit Like a Man

    [Editors Note: This originally appeared as part of the BlogOfManly writer’s guide. ]

    As a group, the Blog of Manly authors are solid writers.

    Therefore, this list of writing guidelines is not meant as a sharp correction, but instead as a baseline from which our men can choose to deviate when appropriate. Formulaic writing is boring and dry. Grammar-less writing is sloppy and disingenuous. Good writing is formulaic, but breaks the rules when appropriate.

    Blog of Manly has no purpose if we are not able to engage our audience. Therefore, all of these rules and guidelines should be willingly sacrificed at the altar of engagement.


     

     

  • My War With Porn

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/16/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    I want to tell you a story about my war with addiction to pornography, the battle I finally won, and the ongoing skirmishes I still fight to this day. At the height of the war, I was absolutely convinced that I was not addicted – I didn’t even know I was fighting! But it was so bad that I would be sitting at the kitchen table next to my beautiful and sexy wife, while we were both doing homework, and I’d have a browser window up looking at porn! NEXT TO MY WIFE. Sadly, I was even convinced that she had no idea.

    And to be clear, I was sexually pleasuring myself at the same pace – A LOT.

    I had a lot of different ways to rationalize my addiction.

    I told myself that meeting my own sexual needs was okay because Maria and I had different levels of sex drive. I convinced myself that I was saving Maria from having to have more sex than she needed by using pornography!

    I told myself that no one was getting hurt. The women performing were not doing so against their wills, and would be performing even if I wasn’t looking. By the very end, I had started to believe that the women performing would want me to watch them perform!

    I was, as with all addictions, convinced I had control over the pornography. I honestly thought I was choosing to look at porn.

    As I read these things now, I am both ashamed and thankful. Ashamed because of how blind and foolish I was. Thankful because I hope that at least one man will see himself and the lies he tells himself in this, and recognize the war that he is in.

    So what was the truth?

    Clearly, porn controlled me – I looked at porn sitting next to my wife! Maria has told me since that I was very defensive and “in her face” about my “habit.” I never looked at porn at work, but I looked at porn daily. In retrospect, I was also looking for harder core and raunchier imagery to reach the same level of excitement.

    Regardless of why the women are performing, their bodies were built by God for the pleasure of their husbands, and no other man – not even a voyeur. I’m not here to rail against women wearing flattering clothing, but posing nude or performing sexual acts for a camera is clearly not in line with God’s design or desires. Looking at any porn on the web encourages an industry which degrades and abuses both women and men.

    Now the most interesting aspect of sex drive that I have come to understand is that sex is not a need. Men, listen closely: SEX IS NOT A NEED. To be clear, physical touch is a valid need many men have, which can be filled effectively by sex, but the sex itself is not a need. Here is how I know. The more you have sexual pleasure, with or without a partner, the more you want to have sex. Conversely, the longer you abstain, the easier it becomes. Don’t believe me, try it!

    So the most painful truth is that I was artificially increasing my sex drive, basically insuring that Maria couldn’t keep up! As I came to understand at the end of the war, a large driver for Maria and I not having a fulfilling sex drive was because she knew about my addiction, and felt like she couldn’t possibly compete with those women and was incredibly self-conscious in bed.

    The bottom line? The addiction I wouldn’t acknowledge was preventing me from having the fulfilling sex life with my wife that I so craved – and it was the very lack of a fulfilling sex life that I used to support my addiction!

    Now how did I win the war? God brought me to a place where I finally saw the addiction for what it was, and for the pain I was causing Maria. I recognized that I was buried too deep. I finally cried out to God to take the demon from me. And nothing happened. But God showed me that He doesn’t always operate by fixing the problem for us, but that He would empower me to overcome it. So I prayed for the strength to walk away from porn, and God granted me that power. In one fell swoop I trashed all of the magazines and videos and deleted all of the pictures, videos, and links.

    Virtually overnight my sex life with Maria improved! Talk about reinforcing positive behavior!

    Cue the triumphant music and the credits!

    Only it isn’t that simple. I am still tempted to look at porn on a fairly regular basis. The strength of the temptation varies greatly based on what else I allow myself to see and how Maria and I are doing in terms of sex. I have a strict personal rule that Maria is my only source of sexual pleasure. I try to avoid looking too closely at sexual images, but I am still a man, and very visual in my attraction.

    The other amazing lesson I have learned is that I now have the choice as to how much sexual material I am exposed to. I can choose not to click on that sexual picture on Facebook. I can choose not to take a second look at that scantily clad woman in the mall. I fail as much as I choose well, but I always have the choice, if not the strength.

    Men, if you are looking at porn you are hurting yourself. If you are dating or married, you are hurting her. If you aren’t, you are hurting the future women in your life. No amount of excitement or satisfaction from imagery can hold a candle to the amazing intimacy of sex with a loving and devoted partner. More importantly, looking at pornography is not what God wants for you. You are worth more than that, and you should not do anything to detract from the incredible satisfaction and fulfillment from the sex life God has designed for you!

  • Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    Rest as a Novelty or a Rule

    I had a random thought the other day, that I felt compelled to share with you, dear reader! Clearly I am fixated on the ideas of margin and rest right now, so this topic won’t come as too much of a shock. To cut to the chase, here’s the idea: what if the idea of a day of rest, a Sabbath, is actually contrary to man’s inherent sin nature? And if so, what if the observation of a day of rest actually enables and enhances productivity and health?

    In short, what if God’s command to keep a Sabbath wasn’t simply to provide the Israelite nation a day of rest, but was actually a way to make them more prosperous?

    Did I blow your mind a little? I keep wrestling with the idea, and it is both fascinating, and tragically beautiful.

    Fascinating, because today when I hear talk of the Sabbath, it is always an ethereal, almost euphemistic reference to taking some random time to rest. In my journey back to God over the last few years, I’ve been struck more and more with how God’s commands aren’t simply good ideas or novel concepts, but actually belie a physical law in this world. So what if the Sabbath is no different – a command trying to illuminate an actual, physical principle of human existence, expressed to a group of people without a sufficient understanding of the human form to appreciate the truth.

    Do I always explain to my children the nuances of the rules I set? No, because often their grasp of physics and cause and effect is too limited to understand. So instead I make a rule, attempting to protect them from themselves. Certainly the Bible is rife with examples of this principle – what if the Sabbath command is no different? What if God’s original design for man is to rest for a full day once each week?

    Does that sound intimidating? It certainly makes me run to the comfort of the New Covenant!

    Tragically beautiful though, because I do not believe God designed man to work, to “do” incessantly. I believe our workaholic nature is a sin based behavior. But God knew our capacity for it, as He designed us this way. And then God gave a law to His people to try and help and protect them from the sin of over work, because they couldn’t understand the whole truth. God always loves us enough to save us from ourselves.

    So this is all well and good, and a fun mental exercise, but where’s the proof? First, in my own experience, I have seen how taking a rest can lead to increased productivity. How taking a day to have a mental break results in renewed strength and endurance. On a personal level, there is no doubt that this rule exists.

    However, science hasn’t discounted the idea either. As the New York Times, Entrepreneur, and Scientific American note, rest is critical to productivity. That’s great about rest, but what about the Sabbath angle? Here is a paper documenting a study into prosperity in rural China based on the growth of Christianity!

    Now, let me be careful here. Christianity is certainly not Judaism. And simply observing the Sabbath doesn’t magically turn me into Donald Trump. That’s not my point. My point is simply the question, what if the command to observe the Sabbath was God trying to help the Israelites overcome their own sin nature so that they could prosper?