Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Coaching

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • What is Life Coaching?

    What is Life Coaching?

    Below is my first attempt at “copy writing”. Bonnie had asked me if I could give a testimonial about life coaching, and this is what I sent back. Enjoy!

     

    Ever heard of a star athlete without a coach? The athlete has talent, skill, drive, dedication, and a deep knowledge of their game. So why have a coach? Because what each athlete lacks is the ability to clearly see himself. No athlete can identify his own weaknesses. But the coach sees the weaknesses, and works with the athlete to achieve greatness. So why life coaching? I was incredibly skeptical of having a life coach. After all, I *knew* how to live well! I was a rising star a work, had a great marriage, and a beautiful baby daughter! But what I understand now, that I couldn’t see then, were my weaknesses. For me, it was a relentless internal critic who drove me to near perfection in everything I did, but refused to allow me any rest and tormented my every waking moment. It was issues with myself image. It was a deep seated desire to connect with people, coupled with a huge fear of embarrassment. I will be honest; it takes a serious submission of will and sacrifice of pride, as a man, to admit that I need to see a life coach. But no less or different a sacrifice than admitting I need a coach for sports, business, music, or spirituality. And the benefit of being aware of my weaknesses has been staggering! So what is a life coach? Imagine all of the honesty of your closest friends and family, delivered in a constructive and encouraging way, with none of the emotional baggage or history. If you are really honest with yourself looking in the mirror, you know there are areas of your life that are not excellent or smooth or successful, but you can’t name them or you don’t want to acknowledge them. But you know they exist. A life coach will show you the things about yourself that you cannot or will not see on your own. Is having my life coached fun? No. I enjoy my coaching time, but the learning and growing process is a surprising amount of mental and emotional pain. Am I cured? No, but I play the game of life better now than I ever have. Is life coaching worth the pain? ABSOLUTELY.