Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Grace

  • Quarantine Week 1

    The keyword for you is “grace”. For today – right now – and for the days ahead. You are feeling uncertain – so is everyone around you. No one has experienced anything like this. You are not alone in your anxiety or fear. No one can say what the days ahead will hold. In that, we are all in the same boat.

    However, as the week comes to a close, you may also be frustrated with what you were able to accomplish this week. You may be beating yourself up for not being able to focus or produce. This is where grace comes in. You have to give yourself credit for the current situation. Stress and anxiety manifest differently for everyone, but they are very real. It is awfully hard to focus on what may seem like a mundane task in the face of a crisis. You have to give yourself credit for anything you were able to accomplish, promise yourself that as things settle into their new “normal” you’ll get more done, and go into this weekend with a mindset of grace. Of rest. If you don’t rest, next week you will not handle better whatever crazy news comes next or the demands of your job.

    Turn off the news. Turn off social media. Being informed is a noble goal, but no amount of refreshing the page will change what is to come. Give yourself mental, physical, and emotional space to rest. Create something. Play something. Enjoy something, simply for the joy of the thing.

    Do not carry the stress of this week into the weekend, and let it rob you of rest and joy. Your value is not defined by what you were able to produce in the face of calamity. You deserve to rest, recover, and recuperate.

    Next week, we will face whatever comes next. But for tonight and the weekend, rest. Allow yourself to rest.

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • I Almost Punched My Wife

    I Almost Punched My Wife

    [Author’s Note: This entry first appeared on BlogOfManly.com on 10/17/2012]

    Ok, not really. And even if I had, it would have been an accident. But here is how it went down: I am standing in my home office, which also doubles as our walk-in closet. The house is fairly cool (~70) as the weather outside is *finally* fall-ish. Maria walks in to tell me she is going to lay down for a few minutes before heading to pick up our daughter from Mother’s Day Out. She is wearing a pink blouse that I notice really brings out her coloration. I put my hand against her neck, cradling her head, as I feel her hand slipping under my shirt. I am forming the words to compliment her on how beautiful she is, she puts her hand against my skin.

    ICE. As in Dante’s Inferno, Judas level.

    I feel my arms reflexively drawing in to my body, and my conscious brain realizes the signal has been sent to my hands to ball into fists as well. I cancel that order, as I realize, on some unconscious level, that I would end up essentially giving Maria a glancing punch in the lower jaw.

    Instead I shiver, do my cold “hippy skippy” dance, tell her how close she came to being brained, and explain what I was about to say about her looking beautiful.

    We laugh about it, she makes a crack about needing some black and blue to counter the pink of her shirt, and heads off.

    As I am standing here shivering now (I generally work standing up), I was struck with the comfort of our marriage. I could easily see how if I hadn’t managed to stop my fist from balling and had hit Maria, how I’d be in big trouble. If you punched your wife in the jaw as an accident, would you guys laugh it off? If it wasn’t an accident, you and I need to have a deeper conversation.

    But in our marriage, Maria and I would have laughed it off. Why? GRACE.

    See, one of the concepts that Maria and I have claimed and built as an integral part of our marriage is grace. The same grace God freely gives us. Because we recognize that each of us, even at our best, is a sad, broken, sinning human. We know that the other would never intentionally hurt us, but that it will happen anyway.

    Grace is the margin in a relationship that allows each spouse to fall short of expectations, but not be thought less of for doing so. So we choose to make space in our expectations of the other to allow them to fall short, without losing our love. I adore Maria more today than I ever have, and that is largely due to giving her the slack to make mistakes or fall short of my expectations, and not berating or demeaning her for doing so – although to be fair, Maria is an excellent wife, and rarely needs the grace!

    I can only hope Maria feels the same about me – God knows I’m not a perfect spouse (some days I wouldn’t even use “good”).

     What does grace look like in a marriage on a daily basis?

    Maria, I am sorry that I almost punched you. Chris, I forgive you, I know you would never hit me intentionally. But I’m not sorry I put my cold hands on you.

    Chris, I am sorry that I forgot to call and make a doctor’s appointment today. Maria, I love you, and I accept your apology.

    Maria, I screwed up and paid that credit card bill twice this month, and now we are overdrawn. Chris, I know it was an honest mistake, and we will make do. I forgive you, and I love you.

    Remember that famous passage that was likely read at your wedding?

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Paul is talking about many things, but central to it all is the concept of grace. Of loving DESPITE imperfections. Of choosing to overlook rather than focus on. Forgetting instead of dwelling on. Grace is how you overcome the rocky places. How you stand firm despite the pain the world presents. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part.

    And you WANT grace in your marriage. Because you WANT the latitude to make mistakes and not meet expectations. Because you will not and cannot meet all of your spouses expectations, all of the time. And you don’t want to be held to that standard – you will break yourself on the rocks of being human, before you ever reach the promised land of perfection as a husband. You are a good man, with a good heart, but you too, are a broken human.

    God loves you, despite your failures and sins. You must do the same for your wife, and ask the same from her. Grace is an incredibly powerful force that will literally grow your love for your wife over time. But you first have to decide to provide that margin, and have the confidence to ask for it. Grace is the mortar that builds an impenetrable marriage.

    Do you have grace in your marriage? Do you have grace for yourself? Your spouse? Your children? Lead courageously and choose to make room in your expectations for them to miss the mark, without punishing them for doing so. You will get to enjoy the fruits of building a marital stronghold where everyone feels safe, affirmed, and loved.

  • Busy As Hell

    Busy As Hell

    Ever used that phrase? A coworker of mine used it today to describe his weekend. I was struck with the irony inherent in that statement. Let me try and tease it out for you. “Hell” is a word generally considered a bad place, a place of punishment, and in general, not where you want to be. “Busy” describes the state of one’s world – lots of activity, constant demands on one’s time, and at the extreme, barely controlled chaos. “As” is a comparison, likening the predecessor to whatever follows.

    Thus, when taken together, “busy as hell” literally means that being busy is akin to being tortured and punished. Ever thought of it that way? I bet you, like me, are thinking that this seems so obvious, yet you’ve never seen it in that direction.

    I’m not going to decry busyness – I haven’t published a blog entry in over a month! I’d be the worst kind of hypocrite to preach against busyness. But, I see the damage it has caused in my own life of late.

    If you have school aged children, you probably understand that the last few weeks has been nutty, with all sorts of end-of-year activities. Maria also serves in the PTA and was a room mother, so that’s at least double the normal insanity. And my work has been demanding more of my time as well, simply serving to compound the matter. Toss in a couple of illnesses through my family, and viola! a month goes by without a blog post.

    But the problem runs deeper than that. Once again, I’m reminded that when I start to feeling insecure about something, I double-down on my commitments and work. I’m still very much a work in progress in this regard!

    So what is the point of all of this? If nothing else, a small apology for having disappeared. I don’t think anyone is waiting with baited breath for my published word, but having a blog and an email list is an unwritten (sort of) contract with you, the reader, that I have not been faithful to. I’m not going to be so foolish as to make a promise that this won’t happen again – after all, the beginning of the school year is looming. Instead, I am simply asking you, my beloved reader, for a measure of grace.

  • Swing for the Fences

    Swing for the Fences

    I’m not big into sports. I’ll watch the occasional football game. I keep up with NASCAR because I’m in a fantasy league and get to go out to the races on my employer’s dime. But basketball? Baseball? Even hockey? Not really.

    But today, I realized that I have a professional level, maybe even an Olympic level gifting… at batting away compliments. If there was an Olympic category – in the summer Olympics, of course – for how far and fast you can bat away compliments, I’d set world records and win golds at a blistering pace! I’d wager good money that few in this world can compete at my level!

    So, I made some ribs and fresh green beans for dinner for some friends over the weekend. I’ve never made ribs before, but I had in my mind a vision of ribs so divine, people would mistake their serving and the accompanying host of angels for the second coming! Because, of course, having never made them before, they would be epic!

    The green beans are a problem for me. My recipe is based around my mother’s, whose are AMAZING. And yet, I can’t seem to quite achieve the same intensity of flavor that she coaxes out of them. I’ve watched her, numerous times, hoping to see the secret I’ve missed, but I just don’t see it.

    Anyway, I worked hard on these ribs. Slow cooked them for hours. The smell in our house was, quite literally, intoxicating. By the time it was time to finish them on the grill, I was convinced I had achieved baby back rib nirvana.

    We sit down to eat, say a quick grace, and I dig in. Normally I’m the type of cook who wants to wait until everyone else has tried the food, because I don’t want to miss their responses. This time, I dig right in – partially because I skipped lunch! Immediately, my heart sinks. The green beans? Not perfect. The ribs? Ridiculously tender, but the rub is too salty. I immediately start running down the food. I’m not sure anyone else had even gotten through their first bite!

    Needless to say, the compliments were few, and half-hearted. And today? I find myself dejected and heavy-hearted, feeling my affirmation tank is bone dry. It was incredibly rude of me to cut off my friends’ desire to compliment my cooking. Was the food AMAZEBALLS? No. Was it better than good? Yes, I do believe it was. Was I a jerk? Absolutely.

    So now the fun question, why? Why did I bat at those compliments like Babe Ruth swinging for the fences? My own insecurities. Because the food didn’t live up to the level of perfection I had imagined and convinced myself it should, to me that made the food crap. And by running it down immediately, I was removing any pressure my friends felt to compliment me on sub-par food. See what I did there? “Sub-par” as if it was below expectation, and not worthy. Would my friends pay me false praise? I don’t believe they are that kind of friends. Did anyone agree with my denigrations? Not really – half-heartedly, at best.

    Yet again, I am reminded that there is no room for grace or mercy in my world, towards myself. Jon Acuff talks about the spot between good and perfect called “awesome”, and I really resonate with that idea. And yet when I hit somewhere between good and awesome, on my FIRST EVER ATTEMPT AT RIBS, I refuse to take any pride of affirmation from that. And then I cut off my friends at the knees when they try to affirm my work!

    I’m sorry, my friends, for inviting you to a meal I worked hard to provide, that may not have been transcendent in execution but was still solid, and then rendering your opinions moot and making it clear that I didn’t want to hear them. I’ll make it up to you with another meal sometime soon?