Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Love

  • Quarantine Week 1

    The keyword for you is “grace”. For today – right now – and for the days ahead. You are feeling uncertain – so is everyone around you. No one has experienced anything like this. You are not alone in your anxiety or fear. No one can say what the days ahead will hold. In that, we are all in the same boat.

    However, as the week comes to a close, you may also be frustrated with what you were able to accomplish this week. You may be beating yourself up for not being able to focus or produce. This is where grace comes in. You have to give yourself credit for the current situation. Stress and anxiety manifest differently for everyone, but they are very real. It is awfully hard to focus on what may seem like a mundane task in the face of a crisis. You have to give yourself credit for anything you were able to accomplish, promise yourself that as things settle into their new “normal” you’ll get more done, and go into this weekend with a mindset of grace. Of rest. If you don’t rest, next week you will not handle better whatever crazy news comes next or the demands of your job.

    Turn off the news. Turn off social media. Being informed is a noble goal, but no amount of refreshing the page will change what is to come. Give yourself mental, physical, and emotional space to rest. Create something. Play something. Enjoy something, simply for the joy of the thing.

    Do not carry the stress of this week into the weekend, and let it rob you of rest and joy. Your value is not defined by what you were able to produce in the face of calamity. You deserve to rest, recover, and recuperate.

    Next week, we will face whatever comes next. But for tonight and the weekend, rest. Allow yourself to rest.

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Submission

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 11/13/2012]

    I really struggle with the idea of submission. The Christian language is littered with submission. To Christ. To your spouse. To others. To the government. When I came back to Christ as an adult, I really wrestled with the idea of submission. After all, I am a strong man, I don’t need to submit to anything! But I also understood that the whole point is to willingly choose His will over mine. So that left me with a dilemma – what does submission look like? The imagery that came to mind was slavery, having no say or free will. And I chafed at that idea! I’m certain that my negative imagery and dislike of the word “submission” had *nothing* to do with my struggle!

    So I tried a series of approaches. I begged God to take the steering wheel of my life, and nothing. I tried to march on my own without consulting God, trusting God to make my paths straight, and I crashed. I spent months praying about what it is supposed to look and feel like for me to submit. So finally God led me to understand what my surrender should look like, and at the same time He revealed a profound truth to me.

    The picture of submission God desires is of a knight swearing his allegiance and fealty to the King. The knight is strong and powerful in his own right. A warrior. But he is choosing, of his own free will, to swear his sword and his allegiance to this King. Why would he make this submission? Because he trusts and believes that what the King offers and provides greatly exceeds what he can gain on his own. Because he wants the power of the other knights who have also sworn to this King behind him as he rides into battle. And because he expects this King to reward him greatly for his loyalty and service.

    Now, this isn’t some sudden exclamation of fealty at seeing this King vanquish your king on the field of battle, although He has certainly done so. No, this is the intentional, daily choice of submitting your strength and sword to the service and will of the King. To obey, and perform both the mundane and the glorious. To serve, and be willing to submit, even to the point of death, for fulfillment of the King’s will.

    This picture really resonates with my heart! I love the idea of being a warrior, strong in my own right, but choosing to submit my will. I am not a slave. I am not a thrall. I have free will, and I am *choosing* where to submit my allegiance and obedience.

    In all honesty, this picture scares me too. After all, in order to be capable of this level of submission, even to the point of death, I have to be certain that this King to whom I submit is trustworthy and has my life and best interests at heart, at least so long as it doesn’t conflict with His own will. I don’t want to be sent to die unless it is absolutely necessary to do so to achieve the King’s will.

    Wait. Let’s be honest. I don’t want to be sent to die. At all.

    But I can’t avoid pledging my will to someone. If I pledge it to no one, I am pledging it to myself by default.

    And I already know I’m not the strongest knight, nor the most valiant warrior. I am strong and capable, but alone I will fall quickly if my foe is many or large. So I’d much rather have additional swords at my side. But the only way to have additional swords at my side is to either convince others to swear their allegiance to me, or to swear my own to another. Given my previous assertions about my own strength, convincing others to swear to me seems an unlikely prospect.

    The remaining answer is to pledge fealty to another. So I am left to choose a King whose heart is pure and loves me dearly.

    I am a fierce and mighty warrior. I am trained and gifted in the use of numerous worldly, fleshly weapons. I am a force to be reckoned with. I can do incredible things, in this world, with the strength and skills with which I am imbued. But none of it matters if I am slain on the battlefield by an opponent because I simply couldn’t continue to fight on my own. I know that I will stumble, be wounded, be weak, as I march along this path. But the victory of my cause is assured if I am fighting with a great host for a righteous cause.

    Does this all sound like a fantasy novel? Unfortunately in our society today, each man is considered to be his own god, so it is hard to point to a current picture of submission. But I hope the truth of this imagery resonates with you too. There are three important points in my description that I don’t want you to miss. First and foremost, you cannot avoid submitting your will to someone or something, even if that someone is yourself. Second, submission does not make you weak or less of a man, it is a choice made from a position of strength and courage. Third, God has many other knights to fight beside and with you, and to pick you up when you fall.

    Men, you too are mighty warriors. You need other warriors to fight with you – This is the only path to success, and ultimately eternal life. Submit to Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, take up your weapons, and join our fight!

  • I Almost Punched My Wife

    I Almost Punched My Wife

    [Author’s Note: This entry first appeared on BlogOfManly.com on 10/17/2012]

    Ok, not really. And even if I had, it would have been an accident. But here is how it went down: I am standing in my home office, which also doubles as our walk-in closet. The house is fairly cool (~70) as the weather outside is *finally* fall-ish. Maria walks in to tell me she is going to lay down for a few minutes before heading to pick up our daughter from Mother’s Day Out. She is wearing a pink blouse that I notice really brings out her coloration. I put my hand against her neck, cradling her head, as I feel her hand slipping under my shirt. I am forming the words to compliment her on how beautiful she is, she puts her hand against my skin.

    ICE. As in Dante’s Inferno, Judas level.

    I feel my arms reflexively drawing in to my body, and my conscious brain realizes the signal has been sent to my hands to ball into fists as well. I cancel that order, as I realize, on some unconscious level, that I would end up essentially giving Maria a glancing punch in the lower jaw.

    Instead I shiver, do my cold “hippy skippy” dance, tell her how close she came to being brained, and explain what I was about to say about her looking beautiful.

    We laugh about it, she makes a crack about needing some black and blue to counter the pink of her shirt, and heads off.

    As I am standing here shivering now (I generally work standing up), I was struck with the comfort of our marriage. I could easily see how if I hadn’t managed to stop my fist from balling and had hit Maria, how I’d be in big trouble. If you punched your wife in the jaw as an accident, would you guys laugh it off? If it wasn’t an accident, you and I need to have a deeper conversation.

    But in our marriage, Maria and I would have laughed it off. Why? GRACE.

    See, one of the concepts that Maria and I have claimed and built as an integral part of our marriage is grace. The same grace God freely gives us. Because we recognize that each of us, even at our best, is a sad, broken, sinning human. We know that the other would never intentionally hurt us, but that it will happen anyway.

    Grace is the margin in a relationship that allows each spouse to fall short of expectations, but not be thought less of for doing so. So we choose to make space in our expectations of the other to allow them to fall short, without losing our love. I adore Maria more today than I ever have, and that is largely due to giving her the slack to make mistakes or fall short of my expectations, and not berating or demeaning her for doing so – although to be fair, Maria is an excellent wife, and rarely needs the grace!

    I can only hope Maria feels the same about me – God knows I’m not a perfect spouse (some days I wouldn’t even use “good”).

     What does grace look like in a marriage on a daily basis?

    Maria, I am sorry that I almost punched you. Chris, I forgive you, I know you would never hit me intentionally. But I’m not sorry I put my cold hands on you.

    Chris, I am sorry that I forgot to call and make a doctor’s appointment today. Maria, I love you, and I accept your apology.

    Maria, I screwed up and paid that credit card bill twice this month, and now we are overdrawn. Chris, I know it was an honest mistake, and we will make do. I forgive you, and I love you.

    Remember that famous passage that was likely read at your wedding?

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Paul is talking about many things, but central to it all is the concept of grace. Of loving DESPITE imperfections. Of choosing to overlook rather than focus on. Forgetting instead of dwelling on. Grace is how you overcome the rocky places. How you stand firm despite the pain the world presents. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part.

    And you WANT grace in your marriage. Because you WANT the latitude to make mistakes and not meet expectations. Because you will not and cannot meet all of your spouses expectations, all of the time. And you don’t want to be held to that standard – you will break yourself on the rocks of being human, before you ever reach the promised land of perfection as a husband. You are a good man, with a good heart, but you too, are a broken human.

    God loves you, despite your failures and sins. You must do the same for your wife, and ask the same from her. Grace is an incredibly powerful force that will literally grow your love for your wife over time. But you first have to decide to provide that margin, and have the confidence to ask for it. Grace is the mortar that builds an impenetrable marriage.

    Do you have grace in your marriage? Do you have grace for yourself? Your spouse? Your children? Lead courageously and choose to make room in your expectations for them to miss the mark, without punishing them for doing so. You will get to enjoy the fruits of building a marital stronghold where everyone feels safe, affirmed, and loved.

  • Where Are The Dads?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/6/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    This week, I have been watching some of the most amazing examples of God’s creation demonstrate their incredible skills in the Olympics. I must confess, this is the first year I have really watched the Olympics with more than a passing interest, largely because my wife loves watching gymnastics. NBC has really done a nice job of making the athletes more human, and I am really enjoying their efforts.

    So here is the scene: NBC is dragging out Phelps’s silver medal (#18) and gold medal (#19). Interspersed with Phelps’s races, the focus shifts to the American women’s gymnastics team stepping up and owning the floor. During the whole production, I find that I am enjoying the images of the parents of the athletes, sharing in their children’s agony and joy. I love the stories of how the athletes came to be where they are, the incredible level of focus, determination, and willingness to sacrifice for a greater good that they all exhibit. I try to put myself in the shoes of those parents, looking at my own children, wondering if I would  have the strength and stomach to support them chasing a dream like the Olympics. There is no question that climbing to that level of competition requires a commitment of time and money for which few have the fortitude.

    Then a commercial break – and the Proctor and Gamble commercial saluting Moms plays again. It is a really good commercial, and fun to watch. I think there are at least four different versions, and all tug at the heart strings. I love the people stories!

    But then I got mad. Really mad.

    Not because Phelps should have taken one more stroke in the 200 fly, but instead glided to the wall and took silver.

    I was reflecting on being a parent of an Olympic athlete, and the imagery of the parents of the athletes. And then it hit me that the parents shown are predominately mothers only. And I began to wonder, where  are the dads?

    For these athletes, this competition is likely the most important event in their life to date! How could any father choose to miss this? I understand that life happens. So maybe the missing dads have a legitimate excuse for not attending. But I guarantee I would move heaven and earth to support my child at any event that was important to them, much less the OLYMPICS.

    Now let me be clear, there were some dads clearly in attendance, so please don’t miss my point here. The message clearly transmitted by the imagery and commercials is that the moms are what count, and seeing a dad in attendance (or by himself) is an anomaly.

    So back to the P&G commercial. Mothers are critical in the lives of their children, there is no question. But fathers are critical too, and in some circles considered to have a larger impact than the mother in the life of a child. I’m not bashing single mothers – they are incredible women to take on the responsibility all by themselves. But I am mad that P&G isn’t airing an analogous commercial for dads. Fathers teach their children to trust, how to control their strength, how to live with integrity, and what to expect from their own marriages, among other things.

    Chewing on all of this, I begin to think about the impact that a missing dad might have on a budding athlete. How many of these athletes might be at the Olympics because they are driven for a measure of love and acceptance that they never received from their dads? How many might be trying to prove to their missing dad that they have value and worth? That they are capable and deserving of love and affection? Is it possible that for some of these athletes, the Olympics is a demonstration of the lengths they will go to in order to find respect and acceptance? To forsake everything for a chance to stand atop a podium and be awarded a medal, for all the world to see? To be loved and adored by the entire world? What will it benefit an athlete to gain the whole world, if he loses his soul?

    My heart breaks for any athlete, and in fact any human being, who feels they must sacrifice themselves on the altar of the world to try and find the love, affection, and acceptance that their own dad should have given them. Because let’s be honest, every human had a father at some point.

    If you are in the unfair position of not having felt the love, affection, acceptance, and respect from your father, take heart! There is a Father who wants to provide all of that and more to you! He *already* loves, affirms, accepts, and respects you, right where you are! There is a reason God has man refer to him as “Father” – because that is the role He can fill in your life. Cry out to God and let Him fill you up!

    If you are a father, you must accept responsibility for your influence on their lives! You get the choice whether to fill them with love, respect, affirmation, courage, strength, and confidence – or not. Whether or not you had any desire to be a father, God has called you into this role, so you must man up, put on your big boy pants, and make the right choice. Being a father is a privilege and a blessing!