Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Purpose

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • Temporality

    Temporality

    [Author’s Note: This entry originally appeared on the BlogOfManly.com on 11/22/2013]

    Temporality. As in, having to do with time. I have a strange relationship with time, perhaps you do as well. When I am enjoying myself, time is fleeting. When I am bored or trudging through some task, time can’t possible move fast enough. I am fairly confident this is the common human condition – I am not alone in experiencing time not as a perfectly straight line, as science suggests, but instead as the ebb and flow of a river.

    However, temporality has taken on a completely new meaning for me of late. My wife gave birth to our third child not too long ago. I am incredibly thankful that my new son has proven to be a easy-going child who even sleeps fairly well at night. If you have never had children, trust me, that is nothing short of a miracle. But not every day, or night, is easy and restful – make no mistake. At this point, once a week or so, our baby will decide to not go to sleep until close to midnight, and then wake up once or twice during the night for more food or comfort. Waking up, crawling out of bed, and then attempting to be productive at work, feels like a Herculean task. If you’ve had kids, you likely know *exactly* what I mean.

    What is different this time, though, is my attitude and perspective on time. Especially so with our first child, every rough day feels like it will never end. As you lie awake in bed, trying to convince yourself to get up and away from the warmth and coziness, a subtle fear surfaces – will I ever feel well rested again? And with that fear, a hopelessness. Hopeless that you will ever get back to full productivity at work. Hopeless you will ever have sex with your wife again. Hopeless that you will survive this whole fatherhood ordeal. I’ve been there. With our first two, it was sometimes for weeks at a time! But now, I recognize something I intellectually knew but didn’t accept before – that all of this is temporary.

    My eldest child is almost 5 years old now. 5! Standing in the time of her infancy and looking forward, reaching this point seemed to be an eternity away. Looking back now, the time has passed in what feels like a blink of the eye. I have memories of the last almost 5 years, but they seem dreamlike.

    I can’t definitively say that you, as a young father, will ever feel rested again – I know I haven’t. But I can say with absolutely certainty that the most irritating advice from grandparents and parents of older kids, that you should enjoy this time (as if!) because it will pass quickly, is correct. That particular adage is not comforting in the least when you are in that time, but it is true.

    By now, those of you without kids, or no plans to have kids, are wondering what any of this has to do with you. The reality that I am now beginning to appreciate is that *everything* is temporary. Working for that boss who is horrible? Will be over before you know it. Buried in debt and trying to budget and save your way out? You’ll be debt free sooner than you think.

    Let me be very clear – I am not saying everything will work out for you. That in the long run you will be successful, happy, etc. I certainly have no power to predict that for myself, let alone for you. But here is what I do know – whatever you are struggling with today will be different tomorrow. The battle you are fighting that seems endless and hopeless WILL end, somewhere along the continuum of victory and defeat, but it will end. The time of joy and peace you are currently experiencing? It too will change. It may or may not end, but one thing is for certain – nothing ever stays the same.

    I know you know this, intellectually. But here is my challenge to you: get to know this truth at a deeper, heart level. The more you press into this truth about the temporality of all things in this world, the easier it is to face your struggles head-on – because you know they will change. Something will give; life will move on. And the easier it becomes for you to appreciate the temporality of all things, the easier it becomes to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow – because tomorrow will have worries of its own.

  • Where is the Joy

    Where is the Joy

    I’ve been struggling the last few days. Since Thursday night, to be clear. I was sitting on the couch, idly skimming twitter, when the first reports of the shooting began rolling in. For the next three hours, I couldn’t do much but continually refresh the feed for the #dallasshooting hashtag. I was transfixed. Horrified.

    I live in Fort Worth. I work in Dallas. I have an in-law who is a Dallas Police Officer. This was frighteningly close to home. The fear was palpable, even from 30 miles away.

    Mentally I ran through a whole range of thoughts. Fears about taking my children out of the house ever again. Wondering how in the world someone could reach a place, mentally, where shooting police officers seemed like the right choice. Hoping my in-law was safe. Thinking the whole thing was frighteningly well executed – someone knew what they were doing.

    And of course, the good and bad on twitter and Facebook. The vilification and clearing of Mark Hughes. Reprehensible people praising the shooter. Outpourings of love and support for the DPD, DART Officers, and the city of Dallas. Celebrities and Politicians ringing in token statements of prayer and support.

    I didn’t sleep particularly well on Thursday night – or Friday morning, when I finally went to bed.

    When I woke up on Friday, I was in quite a funk. I just kept asking myself how I could go about my daily life as if nothing was wrong in the world. I’d check twitter, and see the normally cheery traffic, ads, and humor, interspersed with updates about the shooting and the aftermath. I couldn’t process the disconnect.

    Maria was really worried about me, I’m normally a positive mood kinda guy, and I was low. I was numb. I hated the dichotomy in my own heart of wanting to go through the day as usual, and thinking I should be feeling grief and sadness.

    The thought that kept echoing in my brain was how I, as someone who believes their purpose is to teach how to find joy, can hope to teach anyone to find joy in a world such as this.

     

     

     

    I did finally find an answer, by the way.

    Playing with my kids, who had no idea what had happened, I was reminded that this whole world is a study in people trying to find joy amidst the pain and suffering. I’d have no purpose, if there was no suffering. Sure, this horrific attack was really close to home for me personally, but for much of the country, and certainly the world, this attack was terrible in the intellectual sense only. Much like 9/11, which I still remember vividly, while shocking and frightening, had no personal impact to me. I didn’t know anyone killed in the twin towers or Pentagon.

    Yes, the attack was tragic, horrific, and reprehensible. Yes, good men and women were injured and killed, by a coward. Yes, their families are forever wounded. But, those men and women were doing something they believed in, something bigger than themselves – protecting and defending the citizens. Those who paid the ultimate price did so so that citizens *could* go home and back to their daily lives.

    My mission has not changed, to help men find joy in their daily lives. Whether their lives have been relatively easy and painless, or marked and stained by incredible pain and suffering, every man is still capable of experiencing joy. And thus, no matter how close to home a tragedy hits, my call is the same.

  • Swing for the Fences

    Swing for the Fences

    I’m not big into sports. I’ll watch the occasional football game. I keep up with NASCAR because I’m in a fantasy league and get to go out to the races on my employer’s dime. But basketball? Baseball? Even hockey? Not really.

    But today, I realized that I have a professional level, maybe even an Olympic level gifting… at batting away compliments. If there was an Olympic category – in the summer Olympics, of course – for how far and fast you can bat away compliments, I’d set world records and win golds at a blistering pace! I’d wager good money that few in this world can compete at my level!

    So, I made some ribs and fresh green beans for dinner for some friends over the weekend. I’ve never made ribs before, but I had in my mind a vision of ribs so divine, people would mistake their serving and the accompanying host of angels for the second coming! Because, of course, having never made them before, they would be epic!

    The green beans are a problem for me. My recipe is based around my mother’s, whose are AMAZING. And yet, I can’t seem to quite achieve the same intensity of flavor that she coaxes out of them. I’ve watched her, numerous times, hoping to see the secret I’ve missed, but I just don’t see it.

    Anyway, I worked hard on these ribs. Slow cooked them for hours. The smell in our house was, quite literally, intoxicating. By the time it was time to finish them on the grill, I was convinced I had achieved baby back rib nirvana.

    We sit down to eat, say a quick grace, and I dig in. Normally I’m the type of cook who wants to wait until everyone else has tried the food, because I don’t want to miss their responses. This time, I dig right in – partially because I skipped lunch! Immediately, my heart sinks. The green beans? Not perfect. The ribs? Ridiculously tender, but the rub is too salty. I immediately start running down the food. I’m not sure anyone else had even gotten through their first bite!

    Needless to say, the compliments were few, and half-hearted. And today? I find myself dejected and heavy-hearted, feeling my affirmation tank is bone dry. It was incredibly rude of me to cut off my friends’ desire to compliment my cooking. Was the food AMAZEBALLS? No. Was it better than good? Yes, I do believe it was. Was I a jerk? Absolutely.

    So now the fun question, why? Why did I bat at those compliments like Babe Ruth swinging for the fences? My own insecurities. Because the food didn’t live up to the level of perfection I had imagined and convinced myself it should, to me that made the food crap. And by running it down immediately, I was removing any pressure my friends felt to compliment me on sub-par food. See what I did there? “Sub-par” as if it was below expectation, and not worthy. Would my friends pay me false praise? I don’t believe they are that kind of friends. Did anyone agree with my denigrations? Not really – half-heartedly, at best.

    Yet again, I am reminded that there is no room for grace or mercy in my world, towards myself. Jon Acuff talks about the spot between good and perfect called “awesome”, and I really resonate with that idea. And yet when I hit somewhere between good and awesome, on my FIRST EVER ATTEMPT AT RIBS, I refuse to take any pride of affirmation from that. And then I cut off my friends at the knees when they try to affirm my work!

    I’m sorry, my friends, for inviting you to a meal I worked hard to provide, that may not have been transcendent in execution but was still solid, and then rendering your opinions moot and making it clear that I didn’t want to hear them. I’ll make it up to you with another meal sometime soon?

  • Conviction II – You Are Passionate

    Conviction II – You Are Passionate

    You are built with certain passions embedded within your heart and soul. By passions, I mean those facets of our shared human experience that tug at your heart or enrage your soul to a far greater degree than those around you. Those “tugs” will lead you to discover your passions, which are ultimately the signposts to your purpose.

    Many people assume a passion has to be creative or artistic, but that simply isn’t true. You don’t find evidence of passion only where you find great art, but instead any work of greatness, is a sign of passion. Everyone has different passions, and passions come in an endless array of configurations. Not everyone will understand or “get” your passion – this reality is unavoidable. You must press on towards your passions, despite the friction of doing so!

    Your purpose in this world is found by exploring your passions.  You experience the most joy in life, when you are following the passions with which you are built. (According to Thesaurus.com, “joy” is a synonym for “passion”!) Thus, you will enjoy your life the most when you pursue your passions!

     

    What is your passion?

     

  • Conviction I – You Deserve Joy

    Conviction I – You Deserve Joy

    You deserve to enjoy life. Not the general “you”, but you specifically, reading these words right now. Not only do you deserve to enjoy life, but you deserve to enjoy it TODAY. I believe this, because I believe the Creator of the Universe built every single person to enjoy this life. And if the Creator built you for it, then you DESERVE it.

    You are imbued with meaning and value. And your value is not derived from what you can do, your social status, your body, your sense of humor, or any other external or transient feature.  Your value is intrinsic, because the God of all Creation loves you, personally. Individually.

    You are built with purpose. You add the most value to this world, and increase the joy others are able to experience, by living that purpose. Your value to God is in your very existence, but your value to this world is through the passions God embedded in your heart. You, living your passions, helps bring joy to, and empower others. Your passions, and thus you, are one of God’s many gifts to this world.

    You. Deserve. Joy.

     

  • 35 Years

    35 Years

    Ten days ago, I turned 35 years old. Not surprisingly, I found myself to be in a contemplative mood in the days leading up to my birthday. Because most of my dear readers are close friends and family, likely you will not be surprised at my age.

    But I am. I am surprised to find myself 35 years old. Certainly, I remember many milestones along the last 12,784 days of my life – the birth of my three children, my wedding (bits and pieces!), finishing college, graduating high school, and on and on. However, when I try to add up my memories, the sum seems to fall far short of 35 years.

    I’m sure that is the way of it, the greater the distance from the events, the fewer events are retained. Regardless, 35 years old still seems like a mystical age I remember talking about, in my twenties, as being an eternity away!

    In my last session with Bonnie, as we were discussing my recent realizations about how I think about money, Bonnie asked me how I define success. I didn’t have a good answer.

    I told Bonnie that I don’t want to ever consider myself successful, because that seems final. I want to lay on my deathbed (see? painfully contemplative of late!), look back at my life, and decide I lived a successful life. But today, I don’t want to have arrived at that particular destination.

    Instead, I want to be satisfied. Content.

    Now if you’re hoping that I am going to lay out some excellent, detailed, scriptural definition of “content” for you, I’m sorry, I’m fresh out. Frankly, I suck at being content. I even suck at my own birthday!

    For the majority of my life, my snap answer would be that I am not content or satisfied with any of it. There is so much about my world I want to improve, fix, change, and the like!

    My definition of “content” is that I am satisfied with every aspect of my life. Clearly, my definition of “content” is unattainable and a picture of perfection. Interestingly, I understand that “content” is supposed to mean an intermediate state, but that’s not how I think of “content.” “Content” doesn’t mean finished, satisfied, happy even! Yet when I ask myself whether I am “content”, all I see is all the areas I want to improve.

    Part of our pastor’s sermon, the weekend prior to my birthday, was on being content. Pastor Bill described being content as “wanting what you already have.” I’ve decided to adopt this definition, because it makes sense to me. I want to be content, I recognize the value and importance of being content. I just have to learn how!

    I’m fighting the urge to give you a detailed run-down of my life, and a “content / non content” status for each, based on this new definition. In fact, if you’d like me to detail that, please let me know in the comments. But for now, I’m going to assume that my recent introspection is sufficient for you.

    The truth is that I am largely content with my life today – using this revised definition of “content.” Are there areas I’m working on and hoping to improve? Absolutely. Are there areas I feel I am killing? A few. Does my life today looked like what I imagined 35 would look like, at 18 or 21? I don’t think so, but honestly I didn’t have much of a plan past college, career, and marriage! Excepting kids, which I was firmly convinced I did NOT want. I am so thankful to have changed my mind!

    I have been incredibly privileged to have the opportunities and the work ethic to accomplish many things, experience many things, and enjoy many things. I lead a good life.

    In fact, I actually want most, if not all, of the aspects of my life today. The areas that I am not satisfied with, I am working on, for the most part, and I recognize the value of the journey. Thankfully there are only a few areas of both discontent and lack of effort – and I have plans to work on those, when I have time. In short, I’m not completely satisfied, but I am content with my place, progress, and plans to improve

    I’d be lying if I said I am excited to have turned 35, but as I mark this milestone, I am incredibly thankful for the life I lead, and excited about the journey ahead. Thank you for taking part of this journey with me!

  • Is God Disappointed With You?

    Is God Disappointed With You?

    No, God is not disappointed with you.

    Sorry if you were hoping I was going to tell you that He is.

    If you have a moment, I’d like to explain why I’m confident He is not disappointed with you…

    I had a mentor once, many years ago now, who really challenged a great many of my preconceived notions of who God is. I wish I had recordings of many of our conversations, because I am still in awe of his wisdom. This particular entry stems from some wisdom he laid on me once, that has become a bedrock for me on this journey.

    Ever get frustrated with yourself because you know what you should be doing, and you just don’t seem to have the willpower to *actually* do it? I’m willing to bet that the majority of people feel this way from time to time, if not more often. That’s where I found myself late yesterday evening, whining and nursing the emotional wound of having spent a whole day not doing what I knew I needed to do. To be fair, I have some serious pressure to get some work done, which is what I was focused on. And my “need to do” was write, which doesn’t pay the bills – at least not yet! I was whining to a good buddy, a fellow journeyman on this road to purpose. We were commiserating on how painful it is to get to the end of the day, and know in your heart that you didn’t do the one thing you should have done.

    Even worse than knowing you didn’t do what you were supposed to, is the nagging guilt of having disappointed God. After all, He put this calling my heart, right? So if I don’t do what I’m supposed to, I’m disobeying and disappointing the Almighty God?

    Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap? [tweetthis]Ever find yourself wondering how long an all-loving God can really tolerate your crap?[/tweetthis] If I had a nickel for every time that thought crossed my brain, writing wouldn’t need to pay the bills!

    Wondering what happened to my mentor’s wisdom in the midst of all this whining and bellyaching? Yeah, me too – its coming, I promise!

    So that’s where I found myself, moping about what a failure at life I am, at least thankful to have a buddy to share my grief. He lovingly told me he was going to kick my ass for beating myself up so hard. And he’s right, I’m not a failure at life – but my standard for myself is perfection, so everything feels like a failure. But his verbal jolt to my pity party reminded me of my mentor’s wisdom. I was in a similar mopey, down on myself mood, and my mentor hit me with this:

    God is not disappointed with you. God will never love you and more or less than He does right now. God wants better for you than you are choosing today, but He loves you just the same. God knows that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. God knows that, because He built us that way, and He wrote it!

    My mentor was absolutely correct, of course. The Bible is clear about the whole spirit willing, flesh weak thing. So the next time you find yourself down on yourself, remember this wisdom: God is not disappointed with you.

  • Struggle Gut Check

    Struggle Gut Check

    I came here tonight hoping to be able to translate some of what is swirling around in my brain into my chosen form of expression – writing. But as I fired up this page, I felt muted. Part of the issue is that much of what I’m processing isn’t in the forefront of my brain, and thus I can’t magically pipe it to the page. Another part is that I went back and looked at some of what I had written years ago, in my work with Bonnie, my life coach. These old posts dated from 2011, 2012, and 2013, and yet much of what I struggled with back then hasn’t changed. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes, undoubtedly. But am I the man I want to be? Not yet. Do I still have many emotional miles to cover? Clearly.

    I wrote this on July 17, 2013:

    I do not communicate with myself well. I do not respect my own needs. I do not appreciate the work I accomplish or the gifts and talents I have been given. I sell myself short on my capabilities, and oversell on my energy and time. I think of myself as less valuable than everyone else, which is a short-cut to being humble and serving others – if I am not as valuable as they are, then it isn’t much of a stretch to be humble and serve others. After all, a mute taking a vow of silence is a falsehood – he will always keep it, but not because he chooses to keep it. I do not believe myself deserving of anyone else’s time, energy, or efforts. I view myself as not being a risk taker, and not accomplishing much for the Kingdom of God. I lack discipline in finances and spiritual matters. I crave significance and affirmation, but I reject all compliments and encouragement. I have a near pathological fear of pride, because I know that pride comes before the fall, and I fear the fall. I do not believe that I am worthy of God’s love, and I am still trying to earn/justify it. My critic is still alive and well, but has learned to be more subtle and attack less frequently – it has become more of a guerrilla war than a full on assault. I do not take any time for things I enjoy. I do not know what I enjoy, although I have some ideas.

    Not all of this is as true today as it was then, but it isn’t all better today either.

    All of this has made me remember part of why I’m doing this blog, writing my book, and the like – my journey *is* core to my calling. God has called me to help other men, and especially husbands and fathers, find joy in their lives. But my authenticity and relevance will be much in question if I haven’t lived it first. So I’m reminded that part of the purpose of this very blog is to capture my journey, so that future men can see that I have been where they are, and have the experience to help guide them to a better place.

    Where am I today? Let’s take a look:

     

    Struggle: Workaholic-ism

    I still easily fall into workaholic-ism. My default for much of my life has been to find affirmation through my works, and so whenever I am feeling uncertain or unappreciated, I default to working harder. If not at my day job, then around the house, helping friends, volunteering, or anything else I can think of. I shy away from reading fiction, forcing myself back into reading self-help books. I’m much better about recognizing the symptoms, especially the reading thing, than I’ve ever been, but I haven’t found a replacement source of affirmation.

     

    Struggle: Affirmation Addiction

    Speaking of affirmation, I am addicted to affirmation. Ironically, I posted a picture of Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction for a photo-a-day challenge I’ve started, when the prompt was about what I was reading, and was complimented on being transparent with my struggles. I totally missed the importance of showing the world I was reading that. Regardless, I am a slave to affirmation. Approval Addiction is kicking my ass, and I don’t much care for it – but Meyer is spot on. I do feel like I have made progress on this front as well, both in recognizing my dependence on others for approval, and in beginning to unearth the next clue in where this addiction originated.

     

    Struggle: Self-Affirmation

    I am unable to affirm myself. This hasn’t changed. I am beginning to understand that I don’t trust anyone’s opinion of me or my work, including Maria (my wife of almost 10 years!). Maria has done nothing to deserve my distrust, but it exists, nonetheless. In fact, Maria is my biggest champion and cheerleader on this journey, despite my inability to believe her sincerity. But I trust my own opinion of myself least of all – which clearly is closely tied to my approval addiction. There is much work to be done here.

     

    Struggle: Finding My Purpose

    I continue to press into my purpose. Understanding my purpose has been, by far, the most significant progress I have made since I’ve started working with Bonnie. When she and I first met, I had no idea that I even had a purpose, or what it might be – I actually remember telling her that I thought I hated people! Since you are reading this now, that clearly isn’t the case. I really can’t even articulate, in a concise enough fashion for a blog entry, the distance I have covered in this arena.

     

    If you are like me, a man on a journey, I ask two actions of you:

    First, please ask yourself if my struggles sound at all like something you struggle with. I suspect you wrestle the same demons I do, and I want you to be able to name them as such.

    Second, if you do share my struggle, please connect with me somehow – Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Email, what have you. Please don’t attempt this journey alone – if nothing else, having someone else fighting the same fights will give you piece of mind.

  • Are You My Hero?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 9/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Much like Josh [Chief Editor of BlogOfManly.com], I love the conversations and healthy debates we have behind the scenes on different topics. As iron sharpens iron, so too one man sharpens another.

    I actually agree with Josh completely on the distinction of hero and role-model. And on the need for a distinct hero class. Where I believe we actually differ is on the universality of a person’s designation as a hero, and on what defines a hero.

    What I mean is that what defines a hero for you, depending on the context, may not translate into being a hero for me. If you tell me about an amazing man who took a bullet for you, I’d quickly agree that his actions were heroic, but he would not necessarily be *my* hero.You might have watched your neighbor rescue a cat from your tree for a little boy – your neighbor is that boy’s hero, but to you simply a good neighbor. A hero is an elite status that can only be conferred by a man to another human who has made a dramatic impact on his life.

    To be clear, I do believe that there are a class of actions, generally characterized as being selfless, sacrificial, and dangerous, that are universally recognized as being heroic. In fact, I believe that in each of our hearts is a special decoder of sorts that resonates with those behaviors when we witness them. But that doesn’t make your hero my hero.

    The genesis of this conversation, as Josh mentioned, was the reboot of the Hall of Heroes section of BoM. I expressed that I didn’t really have a hero in the “took a bullet, pulled from a burning building, saved my life sense.” I’ve lived a very safe and quiet existence, and in this particular context, I am quite thankful for that. But I do have people who have given of themselves and dramatically impacted my life, that I would consider my heroes, despite them not having done anything dangerous on my behalf.

    But this begs the question, am I simply lowering the bar because I have never been in a situation to need a “true” hero? Perhaps. Or perhaps, given that the designation of hero is a personal choice, I am free to view whomever I see fit as my hero.

    I do want to take a moment, and talk about a third class of people called idols. In fact, I would call Josh’s taking guitar lessons to try and be like whatever rock star an idolization, not a hero. Because in my mind, for another person to be my hero, they have to have made a personal impact in my life. It is possible that Josh had a life changing interaction with his idol – I don’t know (but if you have a story or pictures, let’s talk!).

    See, I think it is very important to recognize the distinction between actions and position, behavior and title. I can act in ways that are universally heroic, but if it ultimately doesn’t impact anyone else’s life, I am not a hero. Conversely, if I happen to be in the right place at the right time, even if I am simply doing my job, but someone’s life is impacted, I might just be their hero. Is a firefighter a hero simply for choosing his profession, or only once he has actually saved someone from a burning building?

    To me, a hero is someone who gives of themselves selflessly for the needs of someone else. Certainly anyone who has ever given their life for another fits this description. In my mind every firefighter, police officer, soldier, sailor, marine, and airman is a hero, because they are choosing to put their very lives on the line for another, namely me. And you.

    So all of those men and women are heroes, in my opinion. And I know a share of each of those. I mean none of them any disrespect, because I am incredibly grateful for their service and sacrifice, but none of them really feels like *my* hero.

    And that, I contend, is the crux of where Josh and I differ on the topic of heroes. Yes, I can write about great men and women who have risked incredibly, and even made the ultimate sacrifice, for the good of another, and you would be encouraged, challenged, and strengthened for hearing their stories. But they would not become *your* hero. And in fact, the actions I describe that make them heroic to me, might not even sound heroic to you. Because a hero is a personal designation.

    So the stories you read of the deeds of my and other men’s heroes may not impress you as heroic, but they have had an impact on our lives. Their actions, however mundane or extraordinary, have marked our hearts and minds. I am not saying every man is a hero, but every man has the potential to leave an indelible mark on the life of another.

    Boys have heroes. Men have heroes. Our society names men and women heroes based on their actions. But being a hero to someone is not a status akin to a college degree, dictated by some agreed to standards, nor a Nobel Prize, awarded by a committee. Instead, being a hero to someone is a special designation of relationship between two individuals. But a hero is not necessarily a role model, although they are not mutually exclusive. A hero is not necessarily someone we want to become, which is the purpose of a role model, but instead simply someone we are thankful to have had touch our life in some incredible way.