Category: Writing for BlogOfManly

  • Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 6/3/2013]

    This entry is the hardest for me to write, but also the one about which I feel most passionately – sexual purity in dating. Let me be very very clear before I walk any further – sexual purity in dating was NEVER a goal of mine. I would have laughed at you had you suggested it. Before I met my wife, I was in a place where I was pretty certain that the PURPOSE of dating was my own sexual gratification. However, with distance and clarity from that deep walk with sin, I can now promise you that that path holds nothing but pain and embarrassment.

    Please feel free to call me a hypocrite for this entry. As long as you keep reading, I can handle that. Do not believe the irony that *I* am writing about this is lost on me. If you had known me in high school or especially college, seeing my name on this might cause you to spit out your drink. Regardless, consider my pock-marked, bruised, and beaten spirit to be a warning sign that this path is not one you want to tread.

    So here is what I see now that I wish I had believed then: you need to keep yourself sexually pure. You already know this. It isn’t shocking to you. It isn’t even news. But our society loves to question the boundary of “sex” such that you can engage in many sexual acts and still consider yourself a “virgin.” As a father to a little girl, here is the litmus test I now find myself using – if I’d want to dismember the little boy for doing “that” with my little girl, it runs against sexual purity. As you might imagine, there is NO gray area in *my* definition.

    For clarity, I define sexual purity as doing nothing consciously to engage or arouse your own sexual desires, which includes not only physical sexual acts, but even the very TV shows, video games, and movies you choose to watch, if you are choosing to watch them because of the arousal potential.

    Yes, it is easy for me to say this now that I have a wife and regular sex partner. No, this challenge is not easy, and most of the men in our society would call it quixotic. But I would counter by saying that this is the level of sexual purity I believe God desires for all men, single, dating, engaged, married, widowed – ALL men.

    Let me speak to the area I am most familiar with, porn. If you are using porn and masturbation to meet your own “needs,” you have to stop. And I don’t mean just stop looking at porn. I mean stop masturbating. And looking at porn.

    If you are having sex, in a relationship or not, stop. Yes, stop.

    Draw a personal boundary, make the choice to take the high road, and stop. This step is by far the most painful for me to talk about. But I am firmly convinced that it is the most critical to being successful in dating.

    Let me share with you two facts about sex and orgasm that shape this conversation. First, sex and orgasm are not needs, but desires that create needs. Let me explain. Your body does not NEED to orgasm.

    I’ll wait while you let that sink in. To orgasm is NOT a need.

    To orgasm is an appetite. And like any other appetite, it can be sated for a period, but never once and for all. However, unlike hunger and thirst, an orgasm is not required for your body to live (despite what you may be feeling right this second!). The more you orgasm, the more your body desires to orgasm, much like your response to a good steak or delicious ice cream. And the more you feed that desire, it begins the transition from a desire to a craving, then to a need. That’s right, what you once knew to be a desire has become a need you feel legitimate in fulfilling by any means.

    If you are actively engaged in masturbation or sex, I’m confident you won’t believe me on this. But as someone who was fought the porn demon and won, I assure you it is the truth.

    The other fact? The quest for orgasm clouds your mind. A shocker, right? I’m glad you were sitting down. But when coupled with the first fact, what happens is that a man who is dating and masturbating or having sex is blinded to facts and reason. As is the stereotype, he thinks with his cock instead of his mind. In that state, you are, as I was, completely incapable of evaluating the woman you are dating rationally. Especially if she is already your sex partner. Thankfully my wife was not my sex partner before we were married – although I sure tried!

    So you have to put a stop to it. And you have to have stopped for quite a period (read: a year) before you are mentally clear enough to evaluate a potential mate. Yes, it will be incredibly difficult. Satan will throw everything imaginable at you in order to get you to slip up. You will wake up with wet underwear. You will be incredibly tempted by stupid things. But you *can* go without, and the clarity the abstinence provides will be well worth the pain.

    Based on my experience, if you are already deep in the chase for orgasms, you will not be able to overcome the temptation alone – you need God’s strength and grace. You will need to pray a lot. In fact, think of this period as a fast from orgasm, and like a fast, any time you are tempted, pray for strength and thank God for a healthy sex drive.

    Bottom line, in order for you to be in the right place mentally and physically to find a mate, you need to make your own sexual purity a primary objective now.

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Submission

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 11/13/2012]

    I really struggle with the idea of submission. The Christian language is littered with submission. To Christ. To your spouse. To others. To the government. When I came back to Christ as an adult, I really wrestled with the idea of submission. After all, I am a strong man, I don’t need to submit to anything! But I also understood that the whole point is to willingly choose His will over mine. So that left me with a dilemma – what does submission look like? The imagery that came to mind was slavery, having no say or free will. And I chafed at that idea! I’m certain that my negative imagery and dislike of the word “submission” had *nothing* to do with my struggle!

    So I tried a series of approaches. I begged God to take the steering wheel of my life, and nothing. I tried to march on my own without consulting God, trusting God to make my paths straight, and I crashed. I spent months praying about what it is supposed to look and feel like for me to submit. So finally God led me to understand what my surrender should look like, and at the same time He revealed a profound truth to me.


    The picture of submission God desires is of a knight swearing his allegiance and fealty to the King. The knight is strong and powerful in his own right. A warrior. But he is choosing, of his own free will, to swear his sword and his allegiance to this King. Why would he make this submission? Because he trusts and believes that what the King offers and provides greatly exceeds what he can gain on his own. Because he wants the power of the other knights who have also sworn to this King behind him as he rides into battle. And because he expects this King to reward him greatly for his loyalty and service.

    Now, this isn’t some sudden exclamation of fealty at seeing this King vanquish your king on the field of battle, although He has certainly done so. No, this is the intentional, daily choice of submitting your strength and sword to the service and will of the King. To obey, and perform both the mundane and the glorious. To serve, and be willing to submit, even to the point of death, for fulfillment of the King’s will.


    This picture really resonates with my heart! I love the idea of being a warrior, strong in my own right, but choosing to submit my will. I am not a slave. I am not a thrall. I have free will, and I am *choosing* where to submit my allegiance and obedience.

    In all honesty, this picture scares me too. After all, in order to be capable of this level of submission, even to the point of death, I have to be certain that this King to whom I submit is trustworthy and has my life and best interests at heart, at least so long as it doesn’t conflict with His own will. I don’t want to be sent to die unless it is absolutely necessary to do so to achieve the King’s will.

    Wait. Let’s be honest. I don’t want to be sent to die. At all.

    But I can’t avoid pledging my will to someone. If I pledge it to no one, I am pledging it to myself by default.

    And I already know I’m not the strongest knight, nor the most valiant warrior. I am strong and capable, but alone I will fall quickly if my foe is many or large. So I’d much rather have additional swords at my side. But the only way to have additional swords at my side is to either convince others to swear their allegiance to me, or to swear my own to another. Given my previous assertions about my own strength, convincing others to swear to me seems an unlikely prospect.

    The remaining answer is to pledge fealty to another. So I am left to choose a King whose heart is pure and loves me dearly.


    I am a fierce and mighty warrior. I am trained and gifted in the use of numerous worldly, fleshly weapons. I am a force to be reckoned with. I can do incredible things, in this world, with the strength and skills with which I am imbued. But none of it matters if I am slain on the battlefield by an opponent because I simply couldn’t continue to fight on my own. I know that I will stumble, be wounded, be weak, as I march along this path. But the victory of my cause is assured if I am fighting with a great host for a righteous cause.

    Does this all sound like a fantasy novel? Unfortunately in our society today, each man is considered to be his own god, so it is hard to point to a current picture of submission. But I hope the truth of this imagery resonates with you too. There are three important points in my description that I don’t want you to miss. First and foremost, you cannot avoid submitting your will to someone or something, even if that someone is yourself. Second, submission does not make you weak or less of a man, it is a choice made from a position of strength and courage. Third, God has many other knights to fight beside and with you, and to pick you up when you fall.

    Men, you too are mighty warriors. You need other warriors to fight with you – This is the only path to success, and ultimately eternal life. Submit to Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, take up your weapons, and join our fight!

  • Temporality

    Temporality

    [Author’s Note: This entry originally appeared on the BlogOfManly.com on 11/22/2013]

    Temporality. As in, having to do with time. I have a strange relationship with time, perhaps you do as well. When I am enjoying myself, time is fleeting. When I am bored or trudging through some task, time can’t possible move fast enough. I am fairly confident this is the common human condition – I am not alone in experiencing time not as a perfectly straight line, as science suggests, but instead as the ebb and flow of a river.

    However, temporality has taken on a completely new meaning for me of late. My wife gave birth to our third child not too long ago. I am incredibly thankful that my new son has proven to be a easy-going child who even sleeps fairly well at night. If you have never had children, trust me, that is nothing short of a miracle. But not every day, or night, is easy and restful – make no mistake. At this point, once a week or so, our baby will decide to not go to sleep until close to midnight, and then wake up once or twice during the night for more food or comfort. Waking up, crawling out of bed, and then attempting to be productive at work, feels like a Herculean task. If you’ve had kids, you likely know *exactly* what I mean.

    What is different this time, though, is my attitude and perspective on time. Especially so with our first child, every rough day feels like it will never end. As you lie awake in bed, trying to convince yourself to get up and away from the warmth and coziness, a subtle fear surfaces – will I ever feel well rested again? And with that fear, a hopelessness. Hopeless that you will ever get back to full productivity at work. Hopeless you will ever have sex with your wife again. Hopeless that you will survive this whole fatherhood ordeal. I’ve been there. With our first two, it was sometimes for weeks at a time! But now, I recognize something I intellectually knew but didn’t accept before – that all of this is temporary.

    My eldest child is almost 5 years old now. 5! Standing in the time of her infancy and looking forward, reaching this point seemed to be an eternity away. Looking back now, the time has passed in what feels like a blink of the eye. I have memories of the last almost 5 years, but they seem dreamlike.

    I can’t definitively say that you, as a young father, will ever feel rested again – I know I haven’t. But I can say with absolutely certainty that the most irritating advice from grandparents and parents of older kids, that you should enjoy this time (as if!) because it will pass quickly, is correct. That particular adage is not comforting in the least when you are in that time, but it is true.

    By now, those of you without kids, or no plans to have kids, are wondering what any of this has to do with you. The reality that I am now beginning to appreciate is that *everything* is temporary. Working for that boss who is horrible? Will be over before you know it. Buried in debt and trying to budget and save your way out? You’ll be debt free sooner than you think.

    Let me be very clear – I am not saying everything will work out for you. That in the long run you will be successful, happy, etc. I certainly have no power to predict that for myself, let alone for you. But here is what I do know – whatever you are struggling with today will be different tomorrow. The battle you are fighting that seems endless and hopeless WILL end, somewhere along the continuum of victory and defeat, but it will end. The time of joy and peace you are currently experiencing? It too will change. It may or may not end, but one thing is for certain – nothing ever stays the same.

    I know you know this, intellectually. But here is my challenge to you: get to know this truth at a deeper, heart level. The more you press into this truth about the temporality of all things in this world, the easier it is to face your struggles head-on – because you know they will change. Something will give; life will move on. And the easier it becomes for you to appreciate the temporality of all things, the easier it becomes to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow – because tomorrow will have worries of its own.

  • I Almost Punched My Wife

    I Almost Punched My Wife

    [Author’s Note: This entry first appeared on BlogOfManly.com on 10/17/2012]

    Ok, not really. And even if I had, it would have been an accident. But here is how it went down: I am standing in my home office, which also doubles as our walk-in closet. The house is fairly cool (~70) as the weather outside is *finally* fall-ish. Maria walks in to tell me she is going to lay down for a few minutes before heading to pick up our daughter from Mother’s Day Out. She is wearing a pink blouse that I notice really brings out her coloration. I put my hand against her neck, cradling her head, as I feel her hand slipping under my shirt. I am forming the words to compliment her on how beautiful she is, she puts her hand against my skin.

    ICE. As in Dante’s Inferno, Judas level.

    I feel my arms reflexively drawing in to my body, and my conscious brain realizes the signal has been sent to my hands to ball into fists as well. I cancel that order, as I realize, on some unconscious level, that I would end up essentially giving Maria a glancing punch in the lower jaw.

    Instead I shiver, do my cold “hippy skippy” dance, tell her how close she came to being brained, and explain what I was about to say about her looking beautiful.

    We laugh about it, she makes a crack about needing some black and blue to counter the pink of her shirt, and heads off.

    As I am standing here shivering now (I generally work standing up), I was struck with the comfort of our marriage. I could easily see how if I hadn’t managed to stop my fist from balling and had hit Maria, how I’d be in big trouble. If you punched your wife in the jaw as an accident, would you guys laugh it off? If it wasn’t an accident, you and I need to have a deeper conversation.

    But in our marriage, Maria and I would have laughed it off. Why? GRACE.

    See, one of the concepts that Maria and I have claimed and built as an integral part of our marriage is grace. The same grace God freely gives us. Because we recognize that each of us, even at our best, is a sad, broken, sinning human. We know that the other would never intentionally hurt us, but that it will happen anyway.

    Grace is the margin in a relationship that allows each spouse to fall short of expectations, but not be thought less of for doing so. So we choose to make space in our expectations of the other to allow them to fall short, without losing our love. I adore Maria more today than I ever have, and that is largely due to giving her the slack to make mistakes or fall short of my expectations, and not berating or demeaning her for doing so – although to be fair, Maria is an excellent wife, and rarely needs the grace!

    I can only hope Maria feels the same about me – God knows I’m not a perfect spouse (some days I wouldn’t even use “good”).

     What does grace look like in a marriage on a daily basis?

    Maria, I am sorry that I almost punched you. Chris, I forgive you, I know you would never hit me intentionally. But I’m not sorry I put my cold hands on you.

    Chris, I am sorry that I forgot to call and make a doctor’s appointment today. Maria, I love you, and I accept your apology.

    Maria, I screwed up and paid that credit card bill twice this month, and now we are overdrawn. Chris, I know it was an honest mistake, and we will make do. I forgive you, and I love you.

    Remember that famous passage that was likely read at your wedding?

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Paul is talking about many things, but central to it all is the concept of grace. Of loving DESPITE imperfections. Of choosing to overlook rather than focus on. Forgetting instead of dwelling on. Grace is how you overcome the rocky places. How you stand firm despite the pain the world presents. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part.

    And you WANT grace in your marriage. Because you WANT the latitude to make mistakes and not meet expectations. Because you will not and cannot meet all of your spouses expectations, all of the time. And you don’t want to be held to that standard – you will break yourself on the rocks of being human, before you ever reach the promised land of perfection as a husband. You are a good man, with a good heart, but you too, are a broken human.

    God loves you, despite your failures and sins. You must do the same for your wife, and ask the same from her. Grace is an incredibly powerful force that will literally grow your love for your wife over time. But you first have to decide to provide that margin, and have the confidence to ask for it. Grace is the mortar that builds an impenetrable marriage.

    Do you have grace in your marriage? Do you have grace for yourself? Your spouse? Your children? Lead courageously and choose to make room in your expectations for them to miss the mark, without punishing them for doing so. You will get to enjoy the fruits of building a marital stronghold where everyone feels safe, affirmed, and loved.

  • Testifying to what I have witnessed

    Testifying to what I have witnessed

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 1/28/2013 on BlogOfManly.com]

    In the Old Testament, whenever God did an amazing act, an altar was erected to remind all future generations of God’s faithfulness and generosity. Today, I find it quite valuable to keep a record of the answered (and unanswered!) prayers and areas where I see God working in my life. I confess, I am not nearly as diligent at this practice as I’d like to be, but I do recognize the value.

    In keeping with the idea of building altars, I wanted to record some of the amazing things I have witnessed God doing in the life of my family in the last few months, so that I won’t forget them. And in the hopes that someone reading this might be interested in examining their own lives to see how God is at work.

    Back up a few months, and we see that my amazing wife, Maria, has completed her Master’s degree in Counseling. Oh yeah, and she gave birth to my two beautiful children during the process. To say I am proud of her would be a colossal understatement. Maria is an AMAZING woman!

    So several things happen when a newly minted counseling student graduates. First, student loans start coming due. Second, in order to be able to counsel legally, at least in the great state of Texas, the counselor must pass a comprehensive examination, find a supervisor, find a job, receive an intern’s license, and secure malpractice insurance.

    Keep in mind, we have two beautiful, but small, children. So we also need childcare. Do you hear a faint cash register as you read this list? If not, trust me, it adds up QUICK.

    Let me tell you how I have witnessed God in each of these situations.

    The student loans. A new *sizeable* monthly payment that started in January. But you know what else started in January? My new job, with a healthy pay raise, that covers the student loans entirely.

    The comprehensive exam? Keep in mind that Maria has been diligently working on this degree for 5 years, because of the kids, so she was understandably nervous about a COMPREHENSIVE exam. But she stepped up, told God that she recognized that she couldn’t possibly study enough to remember everything, and asked God to step in. And she nailed it, first try!

    Maria’s supervisor. Maria started looking in earnest this fall, because of the whole childcare issue. But she has a woman she worked with for her practicum who really liked her own supervisor. Maria calls, and the supervisor has one slot left. And her office is less than 15 minutes from my new office.

    A job. Maria calls the church where she did her practicum, hoping they might have a position open. Not only did they, but they were excited to get Maria started ASAP. No resume, no application, no job search.

    The license. The state of Texas Department of Health and Human services is not known for its expediency in processing license applications. I’m not here to bash them, as I’m certain they are all decent, hard-working people, who simply have a thankless job akin to a postal worker. They probably also get about as much appreciation. But applications are known to take 4-6 weeks, even if you start calling and making noise. So Maria meets with her new employer, they tell her they have clients ready as soon as she can get her license. Her application has been in for 3ish weeks at this point, and there has been no feedback. Maria calls, and they tell her they still have a few more weeks before it has to be finished. But the next day, lo and behold, her license shows up on their website. The NEXT day.

    Malpractice insurance? Application taken over fax, payment via credit card, coverage granted the SAME day.

    And the childcare? Olivia, our oldest, was on the waiting list for the mother’s day out program where Maria will be working. She made the cut *the week* before school started. Samuel, the youngest, was offered free care at our church’s mother’s day out program, if Maria volunteers in the church office.

    Pretty incredible, huh? But the crazy part is that the story isn’t over.

    So with Maria’s supervisor, Olivia’s care, increased expenses related to gas and car wear, and some lingering medical bills, we had once again exceeded our income. Two weeks ago, I am offered a part-time consulting position, paying a healthy hourly rate.

    But here’s where it gets really interesting. See, when you are sleep deprived for long period, you begin to think some pretty nutty things. Last night, Maria and I were praying about a third child. Asking God to not allow her to get pregnant if we couldn’t afford the bills. Long story, but insurance won’t cover the birth of another child.

    Tonight? We get a letter from Maria’s former employer offering a lump sum buy-out of her pension. Big enough to cover the costs of a child birth ENTIRELY.

    As you read through these things, do you find yourself thinking they must be coincidences? Because if you don’t want to believe in God, that is how this world would explain them. As a dear friend of mine once said, God is seen in the timing, as much or more than in the act. If God had parted the Red Sea with no one around, who would have cared? But it was when the Israelites needed it most that God chose to make the path through the waters.

    I can’t honestly say that any of these checks have God’s signature, but I can honestly say that for me and my family, these are definitive proofs of God’s provision and faithfulness to provide.

  • Are You My Hero?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 9/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Much like Josh [Chief Editor of BlogOfManly.com], I love the conversations and healthy debates we have behind the scenes on different topics. As iron sharpens iron, so too one man sharpens another.

    I actually agree with Josh completely on the distinction of hero and role-model. And on the need for a distinct hero class. Where I believe we actually differ is on the universality of a person’s designation as a hero, and on what defines a hero.

    What I mean is that what defines a hero for you, depending on the context, may not translate into being a hero for me. If you tell me about an amazing man who took a bullet for you, I’d quickly agree that his actions were heroic, but he would not necessarily be *my* hero.You might have watched your neighbor rescue a cat from your tree for a little boy – your neighbor is that boy’s hero, but to you simply a good neighbor. A hero is an elite status that can only be conferred by a man to another human who has made a dramatic impact on his life.

    To be clear, I do believe that there are a class of actions, generally characterized as being selfless, sacrificial, and dangerous, that are universally recognized as being heroic. In fact, I believe that in each of our hearts is a special decoder of sorts that resonates with those behaviors when we witness them. But that doesn’t make your hero my hero.

    The genesis of this conversation, as Josh mentioned, was the reboot of the Hall of Heroes section of BoM. I expressed that I didn’t really have a hero in the “took a bullet, pulled from a burning building, saved my life sense.” I’ve lived a very safe and quiet existence, and in this particular context, I am quite thankful for that. But I do have people who have given of themselves and dramatically impacted my life, that I would consider my heroes, despite them not having done anything dangerous on my behalf.

    But this begs the question, am I simply lowering the bar because I have never been in a situation to need a “true” hero? Perhaps. Or perhaps, given that the designation of hero is a personal choice, I am free to view whomever I see fit as my hero.

    I do want to take a moment, and talk about a third class of people called idols. In fact, I would call Josh’s taking guitar lessons to try and be like whatever rock star an idolization, not a hero. Because in my mind, for another person to be my hero, they have to have made a personal impact in my life. It is possible that Josh had a life changing interaction with his idol – I don’t know (but if you have a story or pictures, let’s talk!).

    See, I think it is very important to recognize the distinction between actions and position, behavior and title. I can act in ways that are universally heroic, but if it ultimately doesn’t impact anyone else’s life, I am not a hero. Conversely, if I happen to be in the right place at the right time, even if I am simply doing my job, but someone’s life is impacted, I might just be their hero. Is a firefighter a hero simply for choosing his profession, or only once he has actually saved someone from a burning building?

    To me, a hero is someone who gives of themselves selflessly for the needs of someone else. Certainly anyone who has ever given their life for another fits this description. In my mind every firefighter, police officer, soldier, sailor, marine, and airman is a hero, because they are choosing to put their very lives on the line for another, namely me. And you.

    So all of those men and women are heroes, in my opinion. And I know a share of each of those. I mean none of them any disrespect, because I am incredibly grateful for their service and sacrifice, but none of them really feels like *my* hero.

    And that, I contend, is the crux of where Josh and I differ on the topic of heroes. Yes, I can write about great men and women who have risked incredibly, and even made the ultimate sacrifice, for the good of another, and you would be encouraged, challenged, and strengthened for hearing their stories. But they would not become *your* hero. And in fact, the actions I describe that make them heroic to me, might not even sound heroic to you. Because a hero is a personal designation.

    So the stories you read of the deeds of my and other men’s heroes may not impress you as heroic, but they have had an impact on our lives. Their actions, however mundane or extraordinary, have marked our hearts and minds. I am not saying every man is a hero, but every man has the potential to leave an indelible mark on the life of another.

    Boys have heroes. Men have heroes. Our society names men and women heroes based on their actions. But being a hero to someone is not a status akin to a college degree, dictated by some agreed to standards, nor a Nobel Prize, awarded by a committee. Instead, being a hero to someone is a special designation of relationship between two individuals. But a hero is not necessarily a role model, although they are not mutually exclusive. A hero is not necessarily someone we want to become, which is the purpose of a role model, but instead simply someone we are thankful to have had touch our life in some incredible way.

  • I think I can, I think I can

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/24/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    God has a funny way of explaining the nature of my relationship to Him through my relationship to my daughter. I can’t even begin to guess the number of times God has revealed some aspect of our relationship to me this way. In fact, I understand so much better know why God has us refer to Him as “Father” than I ever could have without children.

    So God laid some wisdom on me again that way today. I had just sent Olivia to her room for disobedience, and I was coming in to check on her. She asked me if she could come out, which I said she could, as soon as she made her bed. Her bed making skills, at 3 and a half, are not spectacular – no quarters bouncing off sheets – but caring for our belongings is a lesson Maria and I are trying to teach her.

    Olivia whines and tells me that she needs me to do it, because she can’t. Now, keep in mind that I had watched her make her own bed yesterday afternoon after her nap, ALL BY HERSELF. So I reminded her of such. She didn’t have much to say in response, and slowly began making her bed.

    As I left her room, I was muttering to myself about how much I wish she would accept and take responsibility for what she IS capable of, and also to accept what she IS NOT capable of, and ask for help.

    What specifically came to mind was her swimming – given that it is summer time, we are going to the pool more, and more than once Olivia has walked off into the deeper end of the pool, absolutely convinced she can swim. Being the responsible parents Maria and I are, she is always wearing a float of some sort, so she is in no real danger, but she doesn’t understand that. She has also taken swimming lessons, despite insisting that she already knows how to swim. She refused to put her own face in the water, and even asked for help!

    But in that moment about bemoaning Olivia’s disconnect between her idea of what she can and can’t do, and what she is actually capable of, God hit me upside the head.

    You’ll find that my descriptions of how God gets my attention are rarely soft and friendly, but always in love. Now, I am not one to claim that I hear God literally speaking to me, instead I tend to hear from Him through repetition in the world around me. But God clearly laid on my heart that I too have a disconnect in what I believe I am capable of, and what He has built and empowered me to do. Oh, Snap.

    One of my many character flaws is that unless I am perfect at something, I am unwilling to accept that I have any ability to do it. Take writing! My life coach and I had a heated debate about whether I should consider myself a writer until I had been published. I am my own worst critic. My critic has been a positive attribute at my points in my life, driving me by turns to academic performance and professional success.

    But God’s power is not made perfect in my strength or success. I am only now coming to really own the fact that God has given me incredible talents in several arenas of life, but that I do not have any desire to succeed under my own power. I do not understand why God has given me gifts he has not given others, but I do understand that each of us having unique gifts creates needs for other people in our lives. However, the level of success I can achieve on my own is nothing compared to the eternal and present day benefits God has in mind, and that is the success I desire now.

    Unfortunately, the critic who has served me well in the past is now a stumbling block. Because now, much like Moses in Exodus, when God lays on my heart to go do something, my initial response is that I can’t, I am not capable. To which I now understand that, assuming God responds at all like I do to Olivia (which is NOT a safe assumption, thankfully), then He sighs, and reminds me of when I have already proven I am capable.

    How did I respond to this prompting from God? I mentally acknowledged the truth, and went to God in prayer, asking Him to reveal to me the areas I am capable but not acknowledging, and the areas I am not capable, but keep telling myself that I am. I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

    Men, you have unique talents and gifts from God. They may (likely) are not the gifts you would have chosen, but you cannot deny your talents. God created you exactly as you are with intention, purpose, and the raw materials to fulfill these callings. I firmly believe that God never calls us to do anything He doesn’t also give us the resources to accomplish. “I can’t” is never an appropriate answer to His call.

  • Edit Like a Man

    Edit Like a Man

    [Editors Note: This originally appeared as part of the BlogOfManly writer’s guide. ]

    As a group, the Blog of Manly authors are solid writers.

    Therefore, this list of writing guidelines is not meant as a sharp correction, but instead as a baseline from which our men can choose to deviate when appropriate. Formulaic writing is boring and dry. Grammar-less writing is sloppy and disingenuous. Good writing is formulaic, but breaks the rules when appropriate.

    Blog of Manly has no purpose if we are not able to engage our audience. Therefore, all of these rules and guidelines should be willingly sacrificed at the altar of engagement.


     

     

  • My War With Porn

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/16/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    I want to tell you a story about my war with addiction to pornography, the battle I finally won, and the ongoing skirmishes I still fight to this day. At the height of the war, I was absolutely convinced that I was not addicted – I didn’t even know I was fighting! But it was so bad that I would be sitting at the kitchen table next to my beautiful and sexy wife, while we were both doing homework, and I’d have a browser window up looking at porn! NEXT TO MY WIFE. Sadly, I was even convinced that she had no idea.

    And to be clear, I was sexually pleasuring myself at the same pace – A LOT.

    I had a lot of different ways to rationalize my addiction.

    I told myself that meeting my own sexual needs was okay because Maria and I had different levels of sex drive. I convinced myself that I was saving Maria from having to have more sex than she needed by using pornography!

    I told myself that no one was getting hurt. The women performing were not doing so against their wills, and would be performing even if I wasn’t looking. By the very end, I had started to believe that the women performing would want me to watch them perform!

    I was, as with all addictions, convinced I had control over the pornography. I honestly thought I was choosing to look at porn.

    As I read these things now, I am both ashamed and thankful. Ashamed because of how blind and foolish I was. Thankful because I hope that at least one man will see himself and the lies he tells himself in this, and recognize the war that he is in.

    So what was the truth?

    Clearly, porn controlled me – I looked at porn sitting next to my wife! Maria has told me since that I was very defensive and “in her face” about my “habit.” I never looked at porn at work, but I looked at porn daily. In retrospect, I was also looking for harder core and raunchier imagery to reach the same level of excitement.

    Regardless of why the women are performing, their bodies were built by God for the pleasure of their husbands, and no other man – not even a voyeur. I’m not here to rail against women wearing flattering clothing, but posing nude or performing sexual acts for a camera is clearly not in line with God’s design or desires. Looking at any porn on the web encourages an industry which degrades and abuses both women and men.

    Now the most interesting aspect of sex drive that I have come to understand is that sex is not a need. Men, listen closely: SEX IS NOT A NEED. To be clear, physical touch is a valid need many men have, which can be filled effectively by sex, but the sex itself is not a need. Here is how I know. The more you have sexual pleasure, with or without a partner, the more you want to have sex. Conversely, the longer you abstain, the easier it becomes. Don’t believe me, try it!

    So the most painful truth is that I was artificially increasing my sex drive, basically insuring that Maria couldn’t keep up! As I came to understand at the end of the war, a large driver for Maria and I not having a fulfilling sex drive was because she knew about my addiction, and felt like she couldn’t possibly compete with those women and was incredibly self-conscious in bed.

    The bottom line? The addiction I wouldn’t acknowledge was preventing me from having the fulfilling sex life with my wife that I so craved – and it was the very lack of a fulfilling sex life that I used to support my addiction!

    Now how did I win the war? God brought me to a place where I finally saw the addiction for what it was, and for the pain I was causing Maria. I recognized that I was buried too deep. I finally cried out to God to take the demon from me. And nothing happened. But God showed me that He doesn’t always operate by fixing the problem for us, but that He would empower me to overcome it. So I prayed for the strength to walk away from porn, and God granted me that power. In one fell swoop I trashed all of the magazines and videos and deleted all of the pictures, videos, and links.

    Virtually overnight my sex life with Maria improved! Talk about reinforcing positive behavior!

    Cue the triumphant music and the credits!

    Only it isn’t that simple. I am still tempted to look at porn on a fairly regular basis. The strength of the temptation varies greatly based on what else I allow myself to see and how Maria and I are doing in terms of sex. I have a strict personal rule that Maria is my only source of sexual pleasure. I try to avoid looking too closely at sexual images, but I am still a man, and very visual in my attraction.

    The other amazing lesson I have learned is that I now have the choice as to how much sexual material I am exposed to. I can choose not to click on that sexual picture on Facebook. I can choose not to take a second look at that scantily clad woman in the mall. I fail as much as I choose well, but I always have the choice, if not the strength.

    Men, if you are looking at porn you are hurting yourself. If you are dating or married, you are hurting her. If you aren’t, you are hurting the future women in your life. No amount of excitement or satisfaction from imagery can hold a candle to the amazing intimacy of sex with a loving and devoted partner. More importantly, looking at pornography is not what God wants for you. You are worth more than that, and you should not do anything to detract from the incredible satisfaction and fulfillment from the sex life God has designed for you!