Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Writing

  • Quarantine Week 1

    The keyword for you is “grace”. For today – right now – and for the days ahead. You are feeling uncertain – so is everyone around you. No one has experienced anything like this. You are not alone in your anxiety or fear. No one can say what the days ahead will hold. In that, we are all in the same boat.

    However, as the week comes to a close, you may also be frustrated with what you were able to accomplish this week. You may be beating yourself up for not being able to focus or produce. This is where grace comes in. You have to give yourself credit for the current situation. Stress and anxiety manifest differently for everyone, but they are very real. It is awfully hard to focus on what may seem like a mundane task in the face of a crisis. You have to give yourself credit for anything you were able to accomplish, promise yourself that as things settle into their new “normal” you’ll get more done, and go into this weekend with a mindset of grace. Of rest. If you don’t rest, next week you will not handle better whatever crazy news comes next or the demands of your job.

    Turn off the news. Turn off social media. Being informed is a noble goal, but no amount of refreshing the page will change what is to come. Give yourself mental, physical, and emotional space to rest. Create something. Play something. Enjoy something, simply for the joy of the thing.

    Do not carry the stress of this week into the weekend, and let it rob you of rest and joy. Your value is not defined by what you were able to produce in the face of calamity. You deserve to rest, recover, and recuperate.

    Next week, we will face whatever comes next. But for tonight and the weekend, rest. Allow yourself to rest.

  • iCreateDaily – Daily Art Challenge – Day 4

    iCreateDaily – Daily Art Challenge – Day 4

    A blood-curdling scream erupts. But not from me.
    I had turned my face slightly to the right. It is so dark, yet I can see where my face points, as if I am somehow emitting light.

    I jerk my head back to the left in frustration.

    Everything I need in life right now is to my right. If I can only turn my head so I can see to walk that way.

    I try to shuffle to the right, keeping my face turned. My foot hits something from and I stumble. I inadvertently look to the right. The scream is louder, closer. Terrifying. I jerk away.

    What can I do? I feel a clock ticking, time moving inevitability forward. I curse the my own mortality. I literally feel like I am suffocating, every step I don’t take.

    Whatever stands to my right seems to inch closer, somehow weighing me down without even touching me.

    I squeeze my eyes closed, cram my fingers in my ears, and turn to the right. The scream cuts through my heart, liquifies my resolve. And the smell! Burning, singed. I can hear the creature gasping as I turn back.

    I cannot do this. I don’t know what stands between me and my own life, but am I worth its pain? Who am I to cause another creature such pain so that I can live? Am I worthy of that?

    I wallow briefly in my indecision.

    I steel my resolve, summon my will to live – to genuinely and truly live. I vow to live my life worthy of this creature’s pain and sacrifice for me.

    But live I will.

    I stand straight and tall, shoulders back, and realize that no matter what I am about to experience, my art and my life are worth this temporary discomfort and sacrifice.

    I snap to my right and face full on this creature, this oppression, this weight.

    There is no scream, no smell of burning flesh. Only a wispy, rapidly dissipating dark cloud. And a strange smell of hope, freedom.

    A smile crawls across my lips, as I take my first step.

    I knew that creature after all, it was my own fear.
    “When you face the fear it evaporates. Shadows cannot withstand the light.”

    ~LeAura Alderson

  • iCreateDaily – Daily Art Challenge – Day 1

    iCreateDaily - Daily Art Challenge - Day 1
    iCreateDaily – Daily Art Challenge – Day 1

    The little cloud, puffy and heavy laden, rushes across the otherwise still sky. A large group of clouds is gathered as a hard, grazing on the blue of the sky. The little cloud rams into a much larger cloud at the outside of the group. As the larger cloud shifts slightly, the last rays of sunset cover the azure of the sky. The sunset completes.

    Dammit, Stew! You are late again! And why didja have to bump into me? rumbles Cliff, Stew’s mentor, and friend.

    Cliff, I am so so sorry! It won’t happen again!

    Were you hanging out with the storm clouds again?

    Yeah… yeah, I was. Sandy is just so pretty!

    Stew, listen to me: United Cloud Carriers Local 308 will only cover for you so far. You are at the lowest stratus of the cloud hierarchy. You know what happens to clouds who can’t be trusted! You’ll never get to join into a cumulonimbus stack if you can’t even be trusted to deliver sunset on time.

    I know, Cliff. You are right, I need to get my head in the game. I’m sorry.

    The little cloud drifts away from the larger cloud slightly, as the last rays of sunlight fade into darkness. As the herd moves on, the little cloud follows along with a marked determination.

  • Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 6/3/2013]

    This entry is the hardest for me to write, but also the one about which I feel most passionately – sexual purity in dating. Let me be very very clear before I walk any further – sexual purity in dating was NEVER a goal of mine. I would have laughed at you had you suggested it. Before I met my wife, I was in a place where I was pretty certain that the PURPOSE of dating was my own sexual gratification. However, with distance and clarity from that deep walk with sin, I can now promise you that that path holds nothing but pain and embarrassment.

    Please feel free to call me a hypocrite for this entry. As long as you keep reading, I can handle that. Do not believe the irony that *I* am writing about this is lost on me. If you had known me in high school or especially college, seeing my name on this might cause you to spit out your drink. Regardless, consider my pock-marked, bruised, and beaten spirit to be a warning sign that this path is not one you want to tread.

    So here is what I see now that I wish I had believed then: you need to keep yourself sexually pure. You already know this. It isn’t shocking to you. It isn’t even news. But our society loves to question the boundary of “sex” such that you can engage in many sexual acts and still consider yourself a “virgin.” As a father to a little girl, here is the litmus test I now find myself using – if I’d want to dismember the little boy for doing “that” with my little girl, it runs against sexual purity. As you might imagine, there is NO gray area in *my* definition.

    For clarity, I define sexual purity as doing nothing consciously to engage or arouse your own sexual desires, which includes not only physical sexual acts, but even the very TV shows, video games, and movies you choose to watch, if you are choosing to watch them because of the arousal potential.

    Yes, it is easy for me to say this now that I have a wife and regular sex partner. No, this challenge is not easy, and most of the men in our society would call it quixotic. But I would counter by saying that this is the level of sexual purity I believe God desires for all men, single, dating, engaged, married, widowed – ALL men.

    Let me speak to the area I am most familiar with, porn. If you are using porn and masturbation to meet your own “needs,” you have to stop. And I don’t mean just stop looking at porn. I mean stop masturbating. And looking at porn.

    If you are having sex, in a relationship or not, stop. Yes, stop.

    Draw a personal boundary, make the choice to take the high road, and stop. This step is by far the most painful for me to talk about. But I am firmly convinced that it is the most critical to being successful in dating.

    Let me share with you two facts about sex and orgasm that shape this conversation. First, sex and orgasm are not needs, but desires that create needs. Let me explain. Your body does not NEED to orgasm.

    I’ll wait while you let that sink in. To orgasm is NOT a need.

    To orgasm is an appetite. And like any other appetite, it can be sated for a period, but never once and for all. However, unlike hunger and thirst, an orgasm is not required for your body to live (despite what you may be feeling right this second!). The more you orgasm, the more your body desires to orgasm, much like your response to a good steak or delicious ice cream. And the more you feed that desire, it begins the transition from a desire to a craving, then to a need. That’s right, what you once knew to be a desire has become a need you feel legitimate in fulfilling by any means.

    If you are actively engaged in masturbation or sex, I’m confident you won’t believe me on this. But as someone who was fought the porn demon and won, I assure you it is the truth.

    The other fact? The quest for orgasm clouds your mind. A shocker, right? I’m glad you were sitting down. But when coupled with the first fact, what happens is that a man who is dating and masturbating or having sex is blinded to facts and reason. As is the stereotype, he thinks with his cock instead of his mind. In that state, you are, as I was, completely incapable of evaluating the woman you are dating rationally. Especially if she is already your sex partner. Thankfully my wife was not my sex partner before we were married – although I sure tried!

    So you have to put a stop to it. And you have to have stopped for quite a period (read: a year) before you are mentally clear enough to evaluate a potential mate. Yes, it will be incredibly difficult. Satan will throw everything imaginable at you in order to get you to slip up. You will wake up with wet underwear. You will be incredibly tempted by stupid things. But you *can* go without, and the clarity the abstinence provides will be well worth the pain.

    Based on my experience, if you are already deep in the chase for orgasms, you will not be able to overcome the temptation alone – you need God’s strength and grace. You will need to pray a lot. In fact, think of this period as a fast from orgasm, and like a fast, any time you are tempted, pray for strength and thank God for a healthy sex drive.

    Bottom line, in order for you to be in the right place mentally and physically to find a mate, you need to make your own sexual purity a primary objective now.

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Submission

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 11/13/2012]

    I really struggle with the idea of submission. The Christian language is littered with submission. To Christ. To your spouse. To others. To the government. When I came back to Christ as an adult, I really wrestled with the idea of submission. After all, I am a strong man, I don’t need to submit to anything! But I also understood that the whole point is to willingly choose His will over mine. So that left me with a dilemma – what does submission look like? The imagery that came to mind was slavery, having no say or free will. And I chafed at that idea! I’m certain that my negative imagery and dislike of the word “submission” had *nothing* to do with my struggle!

    So I tried a series of approaches. I begged God to take the steering wheel of my life, and nothing. I tried to march on my own without consulting God, trusting God to make my paths straight, and I crashed. I spent months praying about what it is supposed to look and feel like for me to submit. So finally God led me to understand what my surrender should look like, and at the same time He revealed a profound truth to me.

    The picture of submission God desires is of a knight swearing his allegiance and fealty to the King. The knight is strong and powerful in his own right. A warrior. But he is choosing, of his own free will, to swear his sword and his allegiance to this King. Why would he make this submission? Because he trusts and believes that what the King offers and provides greatly exceeds what he can gain on his own. Because he wants the power of the other knights who have also sworn to this King behind him as he rides into battle. And because he expects this King to reward him greatly for his loyalty and service.

    Now, this isn’t some sudden exclamation of fealty at seeing this King vanquish your king on the field of battle, although He has certainly done so. No, this is the intentional, daily choice of submitting your strength and sword to the service and will of the King. To obey, and perform both the mundane and the glorious. To serve, and be willing to submit, even to the point of death, for fulfillment of the King’s will.

    This picture really resonates with my heart! I love the idea of being a warrior, strong in my own right, but choosing to submit my will. I am not a slave. I am not a thrall. I have free will, and I am *choosing* where to submit my allegiance and obedience.

    In all honesty, this picture scares me too. After all, in order to be capable of this level of submission, even to the point of death, I have to be certain that this King to whom I submit is trustworthy and has my life and best interests at heart, at least so long as it doesn’t conflict with His own will. I don’t want to be sent to die unless it is absolutely necessary to do so to achieve the King’s will.

    Wait. Let’s be honest. I don’t want to be sent to die. At all.

    But I can’t avoid pledging my will to someone. If I pledge it to no one, I am pledging it to myself by default.

    And I already know I’m not the strongest knight, nor the most valiant warrior. I am strong and capable, but alone I will fall quickly if my foe is many or large. So I’d much rather have additional swords at my side. But the only way to have additional swords at my side is to either convince others to swear their allegiance to me, or to swear my own to another. Given my previous assertions about my own strength, convincing others to swear to me seems an unlikely prospect.

    The remaining answer is to pledge fealty to another. So I am left to choose a King whose heart is pure and loves me dearly.

    I am a fierce and mighty warrior. I am trained and gifted in the use of numerous worldly, fleshly weapons. I am a force to be reckoned with. I can do incredible things, in this world, with the strength and skills with which I am imbued. But none of it matters if I am slain on the battlefield by an opponent because I simply couldn’t continue to fight on my own. I know that I will stumble, be wounded, be weak, as I march along this path. But the victory of my cause is assured if I am fighting with a great host for a righteous cause.

    Does this all sound like a fantasy novel? Unfortunately in our society today, each man is considered to be his own god, so it is hard to point to a current picture of submission. But I hope the truth of this imagery resonates with you too. There are three important points in my description that I don’t want you to miss. First and foremost, you cannot avoid submitting your will to someone or something, even if that someone is yourself. Second, submission does not make you weak or less of a man, it is a choice made from a position of strength and courage. Third, God has many other knights to fight beside and with you, and to pick you up when you fall.

    Men, you too are mighty warriors. You need other warriors to fight with you – This is the only path to success, and ultimately eternal life. Submit to Jesus Christ, accept Him as your Lord and Savior, take up your weapons, and join our fight!

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • Temporality

    Temporality

    [Author’s Note: This entry originally appeared on the BlogOfManly.com on 11/22/2013]

    Temporality. As in, having to do with time. I have a strange relationship with time, perhaps you do as well. When I am enjoying myself, time is fleeting. When I am bored or trudging through some task, time can’t possible move fast enough. I am fairly confident this is the common human condition – I am not alone in experiencing time not as a perfectly straight line, as science suggests, but instead as the ebb and flow of a river.

    However, temporality has taken on a completely new meaning for me of late. My wife gave birth to our third child not too long ago. I am incredibly thankful that my new son has proven to be a easy-going child who even sleeps fairly well at night. If you have never had children, trust me, that is nothing short of a miracle. But not every day, or night, is easy and restful – make no mistake. At this point, once a week or so, our baby will decide to not go to sleep until close to midnight, and then wake up once or twice during the night for more food or comfort. Waking up, crawling out of bed, and then attempting to be productive at work, feels like a Herculean task. If you’ve had kids, you likely know *exactly* what I mean.

    What is different this time, though, is my attitude and perspective on time. Especially so with our first child, every rough day feels like it will never end. As you lie awake in bed, trying to convince yourself to get up and away from the warmth and coziness, a subtle fear surfaces – will I ever feel well rested again? And with that fear, a hopelessness. Hopeless that you will ever get back to full productivity at work. Hopeless you will ever have sex with your wife again. Hopeless that you will survive this whole fatherhood ordeal. I’ve been there. With our first two, it was sometimes for weeks at a time! But now, I recognize something I intellectually knew but didn’t accept before – that all of this is temporary.

    My eldest child is almost 5 years old now. 5! Standing in the time of her infancy and looking forward, reaching this point seemed to be an eternity away. Looking back now, the time has passed in what feels like a blink of the eye. I have memories of the last almost 5 years, but they seem dreamlike.

    I can’t definitively say that you, as a young father, will ever feel rested again – I know I haven’t. But I can say with absolutely certainty that the most irritating advice from grandparents and parents of older kids, that you should enjoy this time (as if!) because it will pass quickly, is correct. That particular adage is not comforting in the least when you are in that time, but it is true.

    By now, those of you without kids, or no plans to have kids, are wondering what any of this has to do with you. The reality that I am now beginning to appreciate is that *everything* is temporary. Working for that boss who is horrible? Will be over before you know it. Buried in debt and trying to budget and save your way out? You’ll be debt free sooner than you think.

    Let me be very clear – I am not saying everything will work out for you. That in the long run you will be successful, happy, etc. I certainly have no power to predict that for myself, let alone for you. But here is what I do know – whatever you are struggling with today will be different tomorrow. The battle you are fighting that seems endless and hopeless WILL end, somewhere along the continuum of victory and defeat, but it will end. The time of joy and peace you are currently experiencing? It too will change. It may or may not end, but one thing is for certain – nothing ever stays the same.

    I know you know this, intellectually. But here is my challenge to you: get to know this truth at a deeper, heart level. The more you press into this truth about the temporality of all things in this world, the easier it is to face your struggles head-on – because you know they will change. Something will give; life will move on. And the easier it becomes for you to appreciate the temporality of all things, the easier it becomes to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow – because tomorrow will have worries of its own.

  • I Almost Punched My Wife

    I Almost Punched My Wife

    [Author’s Note: This entry first appeared on BlogOfManly.com on 10/17/2012]

    Ok, not really. And even if I had, it would have been an accident. But here is how it went down: I am standing in my home office, which also doubles as our walk-in closet. The house is fairly cool (~70) as the weather outside is *finally* fall-ish. Maria walks in to tell me she is going to lay down for a few minutes before heading to pick up our daughter from Mother’s Day Out. She is wearing a pink blouse that I notice really brings out her coloration. I put my hand against her neck, cradling her head, as I feel her hand slipping under my shirt. I am forming the words to compliment her on how beautiful she is, she puts her hand against my skin.

    ICE. As in Dante’s Inferno, Judas level.

    I feel my arms reflexively drawing in to my body, and my conscious brain realizes the signal has been sent to my hands to ball into fists as well. I cancel that order, as I realize, on some unconscious level, that I would end up essentially giving Maria a glancing punch in the lower jaw.

    Instead I shiver, do my cold “hippy skippy” dance, tell her how close she came to being brained, and explain what I was about to say about her looking beautiful.

    We laugh about it, she makes a crack about needing some black and blue to counter the pink of her shirt, and heads off.

    As I am standing here shivering now (I generally work standing up), I was struck with the comfort of our marriage. I could easily see how if I hadn’t managed to stop my fist from balling and had hit Maria, how I’d be in big trouble. If you punched your wife in the jaw as an accident, would you guys laugh it off? If it wasn’t an accident, you and I need to have a deeper conversation.

    But in our marriage, Maria and I would have laughed it off. Why? GRACE.

    See, one of the concepts that Maria and I have claimed and built as an integral part of our marriage is grace. The same grace God freely gives us. Because we recognize that each of us, even at our best, is a sad, broken, sinning human. We know that the other would never intentionally hurt us, but that it will happen anyway.

    Grace is the margin in a relationship that allows each spouse to fall short of expectations, but not be thought less of for doing so. So we choose to make space in our expectations of the other to allow them to fall short, without losing our love. I adore Maria more today than I ever have, and that is largely due to giving her the slack to make mistakes or fall short of my expectations, and not berating or demeaning her for doing so – although to be fair, Maria is an excellent wife, and rarely needs the grace!

    I can only hope Maria feels the same about me – God knows I’m not a perfect spouse (some days I wouldn’t even use “good”).

     What does grace look like in a marriage on a daily basis?

    Maria, I am sorry that I almost punched you. Chris, I forgive you, I know you would never hit me intentionally. But I’m not sorry I put my cold hands on you.

    Chris, I am sorry that I forgot to call and make a doctor’s appointment today. Maria, I love you, and I accept your apology.

    Maria, I screwed up and paid that credit card bill twice this month, and now we are overdrawn. Chris, I know it was an honest mistake, and we will make do. I forgive you, and I love you.

    Remember that famous passage that was likely read at your wedding?

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Paul is talking about many things, but central to it all is the concept of grace. Of loving DESPITE imperfections. Of choosing to overlook rather than focus on. Forgetting instead of dwelling on. Grace is how you overcome the rocky places. How you stand firm despite the pain the world presents. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part.

    And you WANT grace in your marriage. Because you WANT the latitude to make mistakes and not meet expectations. Because you will not and cannot meet all of your spouses expectations, all of the time. And you don’t want to be held to that standard – you will break yourself on the rocks of being human, before you ever reach the promised land of perfection as a husband. You are a good man, with a good heart, but you too, are a broken human.

    God loves you, despite your failures and sins. You must do the same for your wife, and ask the same from her. Grace is an incredibly powerful force that will literally grow your love for your wife over time. But you first have to decide to provide that margin, and have the confidence to ask for it. Grace is the mortar that builds an impenetrable marriage.

    Do you have grace in your marriage? Do you have grace for yourself? Your spouse? Your children? Lead courageously and choose to make room in your expectations for them to miss the mark, without punishing them for doing so. You will get to enjoy the fruits of building a marital stronghold where everyone feels safe, affirmed, and loved.