I came here tonight hoping to be able to translate some of what is swirling around in my brain into my chosen form of expression – writing. But as I fired up this page, I felt muted. Part of the issue is that much of what I’m processing isn’t in the forefront of my brain, and thus I can’t magically pipe it to the page. Another part is that I went back and looked at some of what I had written years ago, in my work with Bonnie, my life coach. These old posts dated from 2011, 2012, and 2013, and yet much of what I struggled with back then hasn’t changed. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes, undoubtedly. But am I the man I want to be? Not yet. Do I still have many emotional miles to cover? Clearly.
I wrote this on July 17, 2013:
I do not communicate with myself well. I do not respect my own needs. I do not appreciate the work I accomplish or the gifts and talents I have been given. I sell myself short on my capabilities, and oversell on my energy and time. I think of myself as less valuable than everyone else, which is a short-cut to being humble and serving others – if I am not as valuable as they are, then it isn’t much of a stretch to be humble and serve others. After all, a mute taking a vow of silence is a falsehood – he will always keep it, but not because he chooses to keep it. I do not believe myself deserving of anyone else’s time, energy, or efforts. I view myself as not being a risk taker, and not accomplishing much for the Kingdom of God. I lack discipline in finances and spiritual matters. I crave significance and affirmation, but I reject all compliments and encouragement. I have a near pathological fear of pride, because I know that pride comes before the fall, and I fear the fall. I do not believe that I am worthy of God’s love, and I am still trying to earn/justify it. My critic is still alive and well, but has learned to be more subtle and attack less frequently – it has become more of a guerrilla war than a full on assault. I do not take any time for things I enjoy. I do not know what I enjoy, although I have some ideas.
Not all of this is as true today as it was then, but it isn’t all better today either.
All of this has made me remember part of why I’m doing this blog, writing my book, and the like – my journey *is* core to my calling. God has called me to help other men, and especially husbands and fathers, find joy in their lives. But my authenticity and relevance will be much in question if I haven’t lived it first. So I’m reminded that part of the purpose of this very blog is to capture my journey, so that future men can see that I have been where they are, and have the experience to help guide them to a better place.
Where am I today? Let’s take a look:
Struggle: Workaholic-ism
I still easily fall into workaholic-ism. My default for much of my life has been to find affirmation through my works, and so whenever I am feeling uncertain or unappreciated, I default to working harder. If not at my day job, then around the house, helping friends, volunteering, or anything else I can think of. I shy away from reading fiction, forcing myself back into reading self-help books. I’m much better about recognizing the symptoms, especially the reading thing, than I’ve ever been, but I haven’t found a replacement source of affirmation.
Struggle: Affirmation Addiction
Speaking of affirmation, I am addicted to affirmation. Ironically, I posted a picture of Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction for a photo-a-day challenge I’ve started, when the prompt was about what I was reading, and was complimented on being transparent with my struggles. I totally missed the importance of showing the world I was reading that. Regardless, I am a slave to affirmation. Approval Addiction is kicking my ass, and I don’t much care for it – but Meyer is spot on. I do feel like I have made progress on this front as well, both in recognizing my dependence on others for approval, and in beginning to unearth the next clue in where this addiction originated.
Struggle: Self-Affirmation
I am unable to affirm myself. This hasn’t changed. I am beginning to understand that I don’t trust anyone’s opinion of me or my work, including Maria (my wife of almost 10 years!). Maria has done nothing to deserve my distrust, but it exists, nonetheless. In fact, Maria is my biggest champion and cheerleader on this journey, despite my inability to believe her sincerity. But I trust my own opinion of myself least of all – which clearly is closely tied to my approval addiction. There is much work to be done here.
Struggle: Finding My Purpose
I continue to press into my purpose. Understanding my purpose has been, by far, the most significant progress I have made since I’ve started working with Bonnie. When she and I first met, I had no idea that I even had a purpose, or what it might be – I actually remember telling her that I thought I hated people! Since you are reading this now, that clearly isn’t the case. I really can’t even articulate, in a concise enough fashion for a blog entry, the distance I have covered in this arena.
If you are like me, a man on a journey, I ask two actions of you:
First, please ask yourself if my struggles sound at all like something you struggle with. I suspect you wrestle the same demons I do, and I want you to be able to name them as such.
Second, if you do share my struggle, please connect with me somehow – Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Email, what have you. Please don’t attempt this journey alone – if nothing else, having someone else fighting the same fights will give you piece of mind.