Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Fears

  • Quarantine Week 1

    The keyword for you is “grace”. For today – right now – and for the days ahead. You are feeling uncertain – so is everyone around you. No one has experienced anything like this. You are not alone in your anxiety or fear. No one can say what the days ahead will hold. In that, we are all in the same boat.

    However, as the week comes to a close, you may also be frustrated with what you were able to accomplish this week. You may be beating yourself up for not being able to focus or produce. This is where grace comes in. You have to give yourself credit for the current situation. Stress and anxiety manifest differently for everyone, but they are very real. It is awfully hard to focus on what may seem like a mundane task in the face of a crisis. You have to give yourself credit for anything you were able to accomplish, promise yourself that as things settle into their new “normal” you’ll get more done, and go into this weekend with a mindset of grace. Of rest. If you don’t rest, next week you will not handle better whatever crazy news comes next or the demands of your job.

    Turn off the news. Turn off social media. Being informed is a noble goal, but no amount of refreshing the page will change what is to come. Give yourself mental, physical, and emotional space to rest. Create something. Play something. Enjoy something, simply for the joy of the thing.

    Do not carry the stress of this week into the weekend, and let it rob you of rest and joy. Your value is not defined by what you were able to produce in the face of calamity. You deserve to rest, recover, and recuperate.

    Next week, we will face whatever comes next. But for tonight and the weekend, rest. Allow yourself to rest.

  • Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    Brushing Your Teeth As Self-Care

    I struggle with the idea of self-care. Not the concept – people need to take care of themselves, I get that. But the idea of self-care actually applying to me.

    As if somehow I am actually immune to the need to be cared for.

    Sounds dumb when you say it out loud, right?

    In truth, in the last few years, I have started to understand that I too have needs that deserve to be met. Bonnie has been really hammering me on working as hard as I do to provide for my family, but never taking any of the time or money to enjoy myself. I live most days with so much on my to-do list that taking time for myself seems selfish.

    Selfish. That’s the struggle for me with the idea of self-care for myself, that I am being selfish by taking care of myself.

    On an airplane, in case of an emergency, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put masks on your children – this is a very extreme form of self-care. However, taking care of yourself before you children in an emergency makes sense, because you won’t be capable of helping your children if you are incapacitated.

    My pastor likes to say that “you can’t help someone drowning if you can’t swim”.

    All of this really came home to roost for me the other day.

    As you may know, I’ve been blessed to be able to work from home 3 days a week. This last school year, all three of my kids were in some form of school (public or mother’s day out), at least 2 of my 3 days home.

    As the school year has been drawing to a close, Maria has had more to do with the school and the PTA, and I’ve been doing more around the house to support Maria.

    The other day, I held down the breakfast and lunches fort for all three kids, and made breakfast for Maria and I, while Maria got ready for the day. Five hot breakfasts and three lunches is a lot of work in a short period, and I give Maria immense credit for doing it on a regular basis.

    By the time it was all said and done, it was just after 9 am, and I walked straight into work. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth!

    I hoped right into trying to get moving on my ever growing to-do list, and felt like I was stuck in quick sand. I made virtually no progress.

    Even worse, later that morning, I realized I was in a huge funk, I had no motivation, and I was in a FOUL mood.

    Reaching a point of realizing I wasn’t doing anything productive, I decided to take a shower and stew on why I was in such a foul mood.

    As the warm water rained down and I got lost in watching the seemingly random paths of droplets down the glass, I realized why my mood stank. Because I felt like I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t matter. I had busted my rump for my whole family, and not really done anything for myself.

    Having to take care of the whole family one morning, in and of itself, is not a huge request.  I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy the time with my kids.

    But as my muscles began to unwind in the warmth, I realized that this particular morning was simply one of many mornings in the past few months, where I left myself the dregs of my own time and energy.

    In the mornings before work, I like to spend a few minutes praying. If I get into my office early enough, sometimes I write or read too. Ideally, I prefer to have showered and gotten dressed (t-shirt and shorts is DRESSED, thank you) before I start my work day.

    But the worst is when I haven’t yet brushed my teeth. Generally this happens because I’m working on multiple cups of coffee, and it seems silly to brush your teeth in the middle. But when I get to a late lunch and realize I still haven’t stopped to brush, I’ve done the day wrong.

    I was also marveling at how I’d never had an episode like this when I had to be in the office on a daily basis. Sure, I also wasn’t making so many meals in the mornings, but there was something else – I’d never go into the office without showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. In fact, on the days I do go into the office, I tend to feel more confident and self-assured because I have dressed, showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth.

    This all seems pretty obvious, right?

    And yet, I was surprised. I honestly had not realized how something so simple as taking the 3 minutes to brush your teeth, could influence your mood and outlook so dramatically for the balance of the day!

    Thankfully, school is out now, and so the pressure of the mornings has dwindled some. I wish I could say that I’m better at taking time for me, but I’d simply be lying to both of us. The circumstances have changed, for now.

    But, I am doing better at seeing when I am feeling like I am not a priority to myself, and while that is only part of the equation, it is the first step.

     

    What are you doing on a regular basis to make yourself a priority?

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • Where is the Joy

    Where is the Joy

    I’ve been struggling the last few days. Since Thursday night, to be clear. I was sitting on the couch, idly skimming twitter, when the first reports of the shooting began rolling in. For the next three hours, I couldn’t do much but continually refresh the feed for the #dallasshooting hashtag. I was transfixed. Horrified.

    I live in Fort Worth. I work in Dallas. I have an in-law who is a Dallas Police Officer. This was frighteningly close to home. The fear was palpable, even from 30 miles away.

    Mentally I ran through a whole range of thoughts. Fears about taking my children out of the house ever again. Wondering how in the world someone could reach a place, mentally, where shooting police officers seemed like the right choice. Hoping my in-law was safe. Thinking the whole thing was frighteningly well executed – someone knew what they were doing.

    And of course, the good and bad on twitter and Facebook. The vilification and clearing of Mark Hughes. Reprehensible people praising the shooter. Outpourings of love and support for the DPD, DART Officers, and the city of Dallas. Celebrities and Politicians ringing in token statements of prayer and support.

    I didn’t sleep particularly well on Thursday night – or Friday morning, when I finally went to bed.

    When I woke up on Friday, I was in quite a funk. I just kept asking myself how I could go about my daily life as if nothing was wrong in the world. I’d check twitter, and see the normally cheery traffic, ads, and humor, interspersed with updates about the shooting and the aftermath. I couldn’t process the disconnect.

    Maria was really worried about me, I’m normally a positive mood kinda guy, and I was low. I was numb. I hated the dichotomy in my own heart of wanting to go through the day as usual, and thinking I should be feeling grief and sadness.

    The thought that kept echoing in my brain was how I, as someone who believes their purpose is to teach how to find joy, can hope to teach anyone to find joy in a world such as this.

     

     

     

    I did finally find an answer, by the way.

    Playing with my kids, who had no idea what had happened, I was reminded that this whole world is a study in people trying to find joy amidst the pain and suffering. I’d have no purpose, if there was no suffering. Sure, this horrific attack was really close to home for me personally, but for much of the country, and certainly the world, this attack was terrible in the intellectual sense only. Much like 9/11, which I still remember vividly, while shocking and frightening, had no personal impact to me. I didn’t know anyone killed in the twin towers or Pentagon.

    Yes, the attack was tragic, horrific, and reprehensible. Yes, good men and women were injured and killed, by a coward. Yes, their families are forever wounded. But, those men and women were doing something they believed in, something bigger than themselves – protecting and defending the citizens. Those who paid the ultimate price did so so that citizens *could* go home and back to their daily lives.

    My mission has not changed, to help men find joy in their daily lives. Whether their lives have been relatively easy and painless, or marked and stained by incredible pain and suffering, every man is still capable of experiencing joy. And thus, no matter how close to home a tragedy hits, my call is the same.

  • Swing for the Fences

    Swing for the Fences

    I’m not big into sports. I’ll watch the occasional football game. I keep up with NASCAR because I’m in a fantasy league and get to go out to the races on my employer’s dime. But basketball? Baseball? Even hockey? Not really.

    But today, I realized that I have a professional level, maybe even an Olympic level gifting… at batting away compliments. If there was an Olympic category – in the summer Olympics, of course – for how far and fast you can bat away compliments, I’d set world records and win golds at a blistering pace! I’d wager good money that few in this world can compete at my level!

    So, I made some ribs and fresh green beans for dinner for some friends over the weekend. I’ve never made ribs before, but I had in my mind a vision of ribs so divine, people would mistake their serving and the accompanying host of angels for the second coming! Because, of course, having never made them before, they would be epic!

    The green beans are a problem for me. My recipe is based around my mother’s, whose are AMAZING. And yet, I can’t seem to quite achieve the same intensity of flavor that she coaxes out of them. I’ve watched her, numerous times, hoping to see the secret I’ve missed, but I just don’t see it.

    Anyway, I worked hard on these ribs. Slow cooked them for hours. The smell in our house was, quite literally, intoxicating. By the time it was time to finish them on the grill, I was convinced I had achieved baby back rib nirvana.

    We sit down to eat, say a quick grace, and I dig in. Normally I’m the type of cook who wants to wait until everyone else has tried the food, because I don’t want to miss their responses. This time, I dig right in – partially because I skipped lunch! Immediately, my heart sinks. The green beans? Not perfect. The ribs? Ridiculously tender, but the rub is too salty. I immediately start running down the food. I’m not sure anyone else had even gotten through their first bite!

    Needless to say, the compliments were few, and half-hearted. And today? I find myself dejected and heavy-hearted, feeling my affirmation tank is bone dry. It was incredibly rude of me to cut off my friends’ desire to compliment my cooking. Was the food AMAZEBALLS? No. Was it better than good? Yes, I do believe it was. Was I a jerk? Absolutely.

    So now the fun question, why? Why did I bat at those compliments like Babe Ruth swinging for the fences? My own insecurities. Because the food didn’t live up to the level of perfection I had imagined and convinced myself it should, to me that made the food crap. And by running it down immediately, I was removing any pressure my friends felt to compliment me on sub-par food. See what I did there? “Sub-par” as if it was below expectation, and not worthy. Would my friends pay me false praise? I don’t believe they are that kind of friends. Did anyone agree with my denigrations? Not really – half-heartedly, at best.

    Yet again, I am reminded that there is no room for grace or mercy in my world, towards myself. Jon Acuff talks about the spot between good and perfect called “awesome”, and I really resonate with that idea. And yet when I hit somewhere between good and awesome, on my FIRST EVER ATTEMPT AT RIBS, I refuse to take any pride of affirmation from that. And then I cut off my friends at the knees when they try to affirm my work!

    I’m sorry, my friends, for inviting you to a meal I worked hard to provide, that may not have been transcendent in execution but was still solid, and then rendering your opinions moot and making it clear that I didn’t want to hear them. I’ll make it up to you with another meal sometime soon?

  • Testifying to what I have witnessed

    Testifying to what I have witnessed

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 1/28/2013 on BlogOfManly.com]

    In the Old Testament, whenever God did an amazing act, an altar was erected to remind all future generations of God’s faithfulness and generosity. Today, I find it quite valuable to keep a record of the answered (and unanswered!) prayers and areas where I see God working in my life. I confess, I am not nearly as diligent at this practice as I’d like to be, but I do recognize the value.

    In keeping with the idea of building altars, I wanted to record some of the amazing things I have witnessed God doing in the life of my family in the last few months, so that I won’t forget them. And in the hopes that someone reading this might be interested in examining their own lives to see how God is at work.

    Back up a few months, and we see that my amazing wife, Maria, has completed her Master’s degree in Counseling. Oh yeah, and she gave birth to my two beautiful children during the process. To say I am proud of her would be a colossal understatement. Maria is an AMAZING woman!

    So several things happen when a newly minted counseling student graduates. First, student loans start coming due. Second, in order to be able to counsel legally, at least in the great state of Texas, the counselor must pass a comprehensive examination, find a supervisor, find a job, receive an intern’s license, and secure malpractice insurance.

    Keep in mind, we have two beautiful, but small, children. So we also need childcare. Do you hear a faint cash register as you read this list? If not, trust me, it adds up QUICK.

    Let me tell you how I have witnessed God in each of these situations.

    The student loans. A new *sizeable* monthly payment that started in January. But you know what else started in January? My new job, with a healthy pay raise, that covers the student loans entirely.

    The comprehensive exam? Keep in mind that Maria has been diligently working on this degree for 5 years, because of the kids, so she was understandably nervous about a COMPREHENSIVE exam. But she stepped up, told God that she recognized that she couldn’t possibly study enough to remember everything, and asked God to step in. And she nailed it, first try!

    Maria’s supervisor. Maria started looking in earnest this fall, because of the whole childcare issue. But she has a woman she worked with for her practicum who really liked her own supervisor. Maria calls, and the supervisor has one slot left. And her office is less than 15 minutes from my new office.

    A job. Maria calls the church where she did her practicum, hoping they might have a position open. Not only did they, but they were excited to get Maria started ASAP. No resume, no application, no job search.

    The license. The state of Texas Department of Health and Human services is not known for its expediency in processing license applications. I’m not here to bash them, as I’m certain they are all decent, hard-working people, who simply have a thankless job akin to a postal worker. They probably also get about as much appreciation. But applications are known to take 4-6 weeks, even if you start calling and making noise. So Maria meets with her new employer, they tell her they have clients ready as soon as she can get her license. Her application has been in for 3ish weeks at this point, and there has been no feedback. Maria calls, and they tell her they still have a few more weeks before it has to be finished. But the next day, lo and behold, her license shows up on their website. The NEXT day.

    Malpractice insurance? Application taken over fax, payment via credit card, coverage granted the SAME day.

    And the childcare? Olivia, our oldest, was on the waiting list for the mother’s day out program where Maria will be working. She made the cut *the week* before school started. Samuel, the youngest, was offered free care at our church’s mother’s day out program, if Maria volunteers in the church office.

    Pretty incredible, huh? But the crazy part is that the story isn’t over.

    So with Maria’s supervisor, Olivia’s care, increased expenses related to gas and car wear, and some lingering medical bills, we had once again exceeded our income. Two weeks ago, I am offered a part-time consulting position, paying a healthy hourly rate.

    But here’s where it gets really interesting. See, when you are sleep deprived for long period, you begin to think some pretty nutty things. Last night, Maria and I were praying about a third child. Asking God to not allow her to get pregnant if we couldn’t afford the bills. Long story, but insurance won’t cover the birth of another child.

    Tonight? We get a letter from Maria’s former employer offering a lump sum buy-out of her pension. Big enough to cover the costs of a child birth ENTIRELY.

    As you read through these things, do you find yourself thinking they must be coincidences? Because if you don’t want to believe in God, that is how this world would explain them. As a dear friend of mine once said, God is seen in the timing, as much or more than in the act. If God had parted the Red Sea with no one around, who would have cared? But it was when the Israelites needed it most that God chose to make the path through the waters.

    I can’t honestly say that any of these checks have God’s signature, but I can honestly say that for me and my family, these are definitive proofs of God’s provision and faithfulness to provide.

  • Money Tells a Story

    Money Tells a Story

    When talking about turning down opportunities on the Tim Ferris podcast, Seth Godin explained that “Money is a story. Once you have enough for beans and rice, and taking care of your family, and a few other things, money is a story. And, you can tell yourself any story you want about money. But its better to tell yourself a story about money that you can happily live with.”

    Interestingly, this quote closely mirrors Bonnie‘s comment to me, after telling her about an incident I had recently with a pharmacist. Bonnie asked me what story did the pharmacist’s behavior tell me about myself?

    So here’s the incident in question: I was going to pick up a prescription for Maria, and through some *fun* insurance mix-up, they didn’t have Maria’s current insurance. The cash price of the prescription was $14.99. The pharmacist explained the insurance situation, I confirmed that the price was $15, and said it would be fine. The pharmacist innocently asked me, “Are you sure?” I politely affirmed that I was, but internally I was ENRAGED. How dare he ask me a second time?? What, do I look like $15 is a hardship? Sure, I drive a ten-year old car, and I was probably several days unshaven and in a t-shirt. But we are talking about $15, not $1500! Am I not MAN enough to provide for my wife’s medical needs??

    Does my response seem disproportionate to you? Fortunately, it did to me too.

    I’ve really been chewing on why the pharmacist’s confirmation of my willingness to pay cash for a prescription, rather than bill the insurance, enraged me so much. Do I believe the pharmacist was concerned that I couldn’t afford it? No. I don’t honestly think it would have mattered whether I was driving a Bentley, smiling through gold teeth, and smoking $100 bills, I think he would have asked anyway (quite a mental image though!).

    But here’s what I’ve come to understand about my view of money: being able to spend money seemingly carelessly means you are successful.

    That makes total sense, right? I mean, success equals carefree money?

    Yeah, no.

    So in my mind, when the pharmacist confirmed my willingness to pay for the prescription, what I really heard was him questioning my success in life, as a provider, as a man.

    I have an unhealthy relationship with money. When my family has margin in our cash flow, I am at ease. As soon as things tighten up any, as they invariably do with three beautifully accident and illness prone children, I get crazy tense. I begin to refuse to buy simple things I actually need, like aftershave. Seriously, right now, I need to buy some aftershave and won’t, because it seems superfluous. But I’d rather sacrifice the very skin of my face, than spend the money!

    The rat hole goes much deeper than this, as I’ve come to understand. Turns out I would rather forgo buying things I need, to protect whatever little cash we happen to have on hand, so that I don’t have to say to Maria or anyone that we can’t afford something. What is really important to me is that I appear to be successful in front of others, and the only way I know to communicate that is by always being able to spend money when called upon. I’m talking about things like going to the movies as a group, impromptu trips to see family members, etc. I don’t mean truly extravagant things. The whole thing is nuts!

    Let me stop and say that I make plenty of money, and I know that my family is well provided for. Ironically, what matters is not how big or small the number I report on my taxes as income, because only Maria and I (and some unknown number of bureaucrats in the IRS!) ever see that. But my self-confidence rides the balance in our checking account like a stock trader rides the indexes.

    There’s no happy ending here for me, at this point. This post is simply the ripping off of the emotional scab that has hidden the wound and the underlying truth, knowing that now it can begin to heal properly.

    If you find yourself in a similar boat, fighting with money regardless of your actual income, take heart! Your value, as a person, is NOT based on how much money you can spend at the drop of a hat. Nor is your worth based on how much money you bring home, how many toys you have, or how big your house is. Neither is mine. We both have to learn to accept the truth of that.

     

  • Struggle Gut Check

    Struggle Gut Check

    I came here tonight hoping to be able to translate some of what is swirling around in my brain into my chosen form of expression – writing. But as I fired up this page, I felt muted. Part of the issue is that much of what I’m processing isn’t in the forefront of my brain, and thus I can’t magically pipe it to the page. Another part is that I went back and looked at some of what I had written years ago, in my work with Bonnie, my life coach. These old posts dated from 2011, 2012, and 2013, and yet much of what I struggled with back then hasn’t changed. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes, undoubtedly. But am I the man I want to be? Not yet. Do I still have many emotional miles to cover? Clearly.

    I wrote this on July 17, 2013:

    I do not communicate with myself well. I do not respect my own needs. I do not appreciate the work I accomplish or the gifts and talents I have been given. I sell myself short on my capabilities, and oversell on my energy and time. I think of myself as less valuable than everyone else, which is a short-cut to being humble and serving others – if I am not as valuable as they are, then it isn’t much of a stretch to be humble and serve others. After all, a mute taking a vow of silence is a falsehood – he will always keep it, but not because he chooses to keep it. I do not believe myself deserving of anyone else’s time, energy, or efforts. I view myself as not being a risk taker, and not accomplishing much for the Kingdom of God. I lack discipline in finances and spiritual matters. I crave significance and affirmation, but I reject all compliments and encouragement. I have a near pathological fear of pride, because I know that pride comes before the fall, and I fear the fall. I do not believe that I am worthy of God’s love, and I am still trying to earn/justify it. My critic is still alive and well, but has learned to be more subtle and attack less frequently – it has become more of a guerrilla war than a full on assault. I do not take any time for things I enjoy. I do not know what I enjoy, although I have some ideas.

    Not all of this is as true today as it was then, but it isn’t all better today either.

    All of this has made me remember part of why I’m doing this blog, writing my book, and the like – my journey *is* core to my calling. God has called me to help other men, and especially husbands and fathers, find joy in their lives. But my authenticity and relevance will be much in question if I haven’t lived it first. So I’m reminded that part of the purpose of this very blog is to capture my journey, so that future men can see that I have been where they are, and have the experience to help guide them to a better place.

    Where am I today? Let’s take a look:

     

    Struggle: Workaholic-ism

    I still easily fall into workaholic-ism. My default for much of my life has been to find affirmation through my works, and so whenever I am feeling uncertain or unappreciated, I default to working harder. If not at my day job, then around the house, helping friends, volunteering, or anything else I can think of. I shy away from reading fiction, forcing myself back into reading self-help books. I’m much better about recognizing the symptoms, especially the reading thing, than I’ve ever been, but I haven’t found a replacement source of affirmation.

     

    Struggle: Affirmation Addiction

    Speaking of affirmation, I am addicted to affirmation. Ironically, I posted a picture of Joyce Meyer’s Approval Addiction for a photo-a-day challenge I’ve started, when the prompt was about what I was reading, and was complimented on being transparent with my struggles. I totally missed the importance of showing the world I was reading that. Regardless, I am a slave to affirmation. Approval Addiction is kicking my ass, and I don’t much care for it – but Meyer is spot on. I do feel like I have made progress on this front as well, both in recognizing my dependence on others for approval, and in beginning to unearth the next clue in where this addiction originated.

     

    Struggle: Self-Affirmation

    I am unable to affirm myself. This hasn’t changed. I am beginning to understand that I don’t trust anyone’s opinion of me or my work, including Maria (my wife of almost 10 years!). Maria has done nothing to deserve my distrust, but it exists, nonetheless. In fact, Maria is my biggest champion and cheerleader on this journey, despite my inability to believe her sincerity. But I trust my own opinion of myself least of all – which clearly is closely tied to my approval addiction. There is much work to be done here.

     

    Struggle: Finding My Purpose

    I continue to press into my purpose. Understanding my purpose has been, by far, the most significant progress I have made since I’ve started working with Bonnie. When she and I first met, I had no idea that I even had a purpose, or what it might be – I actually remember telling her that I thought I hated people! Since you are reading this now, that clearly isn’t the case. I really can’t even articulate, in a concise enough fashion for a blog entry, the distance I have covered in this arena.

     

    If you are like me, a man on a journey, I ask two actions of you:

    First, please ask yourself if my struggles sound at all like something you struggle with. I suspect you wrestle the same demons I do, and I want you to be able to name them as such.

    Second, if you do share my struggle, please connect with me somehow – Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Email, what have you. Please don’t attempt this journey alone – if nothing else, having someone else fighting the same fights will give you piece of mind.

  • I think I can, I think I can

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/24/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    God has a funny way of explaining the nature of my relationship to Him through my relationship to my daughter. I can’t even begin to guess the number of times God has revealed some aspect of our relationship to me this way. In fact, I understand so much better know why God has us refer to Him as “Father” than I ever could have without children.

    So God laid some wisdom on me again that way today. I had just sent Olivia to her room for disobedience, and I was coming in to check on her. She asked me if she could come out, which I said she could, as soon as she made her bed. Her bed making skills, at 3 and a half, are not spectacular – no quarters bouncing off sheets – but caring for our belongings is a lesson Maria and I are trying to teach her.

    Olivia whines and tells me that she needs me to do it, because she can’t. Now, keep in mind that I had watched her make her own bed yesterday afternoon after her nap, ALL BY HERSELF. So I reminded her of such. She didn’t have much to say in response, and slowly began making her bed.

    As I left her room, I was muttering to myself about how much I wish she would accept and take responsibility for what she IS capable of, and also to accept what she IS NOT capable of, and ask for help.

    What specifically came to mind was her swimming – given that it is summer time, we are going to the pool more, and more than once Olivia has walked off into the deeper end of the pool, absolutely convinced she can swim. Being the responsible parents Maria and I are, she is always wearing a float of some sort, so she is in no real danger, but she doesn’t understand that. She has also taken swimming lessons, despite insisting that she already knows how to swim. She refused to put her own face in the water, and even asked for help!

    But in that moment about bemoaning Olivia’s disconnect between her idea of what she can and can’t do, and what she is actually capable of, God hit me upside the head.

    You’ll find that my descriptions of how God gets my attention are rarely soft and friendly, but always in love. Now, I am not one to claim that I hear God literally speaking to me, instead I tend to hear from Him through repetition in the world around me. But God clearly laid on my heart that I too have a disconnect in what I believe I am capable of, and what He has built and empowered me to do. Oh, Snap.

    One of my many character flaws is that unless I am perfect at something, I am unwilling to accept that I have any ability to do it. Take writing! My life coach and I had a heated debate about whether I should consider myself a writer until I had been published. I am my own worst critic. My critic has been a positive attribute at my points in my life, driving me by turns to academic performance and professional success.

    But God’s power is not made perfect in my strength or success. I am only now coming to really own the fact that God has given me incredible talents in several arenas of life, but that I do not have any desire to succeed under my own power. I do not understand why God has given me gifts he has not given others, but I do understand that each of us having unique gifts creates needs for other people in our lives. However, the level of success I can achieve on my own is nothing compared to the eternal and present day benefits God has in mind, and that is the success I desire now.

    Unfortunately, the critic who has served me well in the past is now a stumbling block. Because now, much like Moses in Exodus, when God lays on my heart to go do something, my initial response is that I can’t, I am not capable. To which I now understand that, assuming God responds at all like I do to Olivia (which is NOT a safe assumption, thankfully), then He sighs, and reminds me of when I have already proven I am capable.

    How did I respond to this prompting from God? I mentally acknowledged the truth, and went to God in prayer, asking Him to reveal to me the areas I am capable but not acknowledging, and the areas I am not capable, but keep telling myself that I am. I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

    Men, you have unique talents and gifts from God. They may (likely) are not the gifts you would have chosen, but you cannot deny your talents. God created you exactly as you are with intention, purpose, and the raw materials to fulfill these callings. I firmly believe that God never calls us to do anything He doesn’t also give us the resources to accomplish. “I can’t” is never an appropriate answer to His call.

  • When Am I A Man?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    One of the biggest questions I have wrestled with since being married and becoming a father, has been the question of when I became I man. Or more specifically, what proof did I have of my manhood. I don’t know about you, but I never had any sort of manhood rite-of-passage.

    Today, I have no doubts that I am a man. When I look in the mirror, I sometimes see the little boy I was decades ago. But even as much as a year or two ago, I still was not sure that I was actually a man. So what did I finally learn was the turning point from boy to man?

    I had the fortune early in my career to be selected for and graduate from the leadership development program of a very well known company. After a year in the program, I was talking to “the Don” about how rigorous the selection process was, and he explained to me then that the biggest hurdle to someone being selected was their own courage to apply. It took me years to realize the truth in his statement.

    So what does making a choice have to do with being a man? After all, a male becomes a man when he first has sex, right? Or has his first beer? First gets drunk and throws up? Makes $100k a year? Grows his first short and curlies? Has a title that includes “president”? Fathers a child? Kills another human? Isn’t that the message we men are presented by society? And let’s not forget that a real man has no friends, emotions, or weaknesses!

    As your heart is likely screaming, none of that is what it really means to be a man! And in fact, there is no one act past which any male becomes a man. No milestone, no off-ramp from boyhood, no specific turning point. At least not an externally observable one.

    See, a boy becomes a man when he *chooses* to begin taking responsibility for himself, his actions, those for which he has responsibility, and anyone else within his sphere of influence, and begins to make his decisions based on what is best for others over himself. He answers the call of responsibility, maturity, and selflessness. He begins to recognize his own strengths and weaknesses, and starts to think in terms of finding others to help cover his weaknesses, so that he doesn’t leave those he loves exposed. He does whatever is necessary to provide and protect those in his responsibility.

    As Dr. Robert Lewis says in the Quest for Authentic Manhood, an authentic man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater rewards.

    Does that definition resonate in your heart? My heart rang like a gong when I first heard that!

    In my walk, as I finally began to understand this truth, I had to take a hard look at my own life, the decisions I was making, and the priorities that were guiding my decisions. And I came up woefully short. We are all the sum of our decisions, and I wasn’t adding up to much.

    Are you asking yourself whether any man today lives up to that standard? The answer, of course, is no. Only one man *ever* lived up to that standard – Jesus Christ.

    But there are large numbers of males since who have lived trying to reach the destination of authentic manhood, myself included. For a present-day example, this quote is taken from a statement from Randy Blythe,  front man for the band Lamb of God, who was in prison in the Czech Republic on charges related to the death of a fan at a concert (emphasis mine):

    If it is deemed necessary for me to do so, I WILL return to Prague to stand trial. While I maintain my innocence 100%, and will do so steadfastly, I will NOT hide in the United States, safe from extradition and possible prosecution. As I write this, the family of a fan of my band suffers through the indescribably tragic loss of their child. They have to deal with constantly varying media reports about the circumstances surrounding his death. I am charged with maliciously causing severe bodily harm to this young man, resulting in his death. While I consider the charge leveled against me ludicrous and without qualification, my opinion makes no difference in this matter. The charge exists, and for the family of this young man, questions remain. The worst possible pain remains. It is fairly common knowledge amongst fans of my band that I once lost a child as well. I, unfortunately, am intimately familiar with what their pain is like. Therefore, I know all too well that in their time of grief, this family needs and deserves some real answers, not a media explosion followed by the accused killer of their son hiding like a coward thousands of miles away while they suffer. I am a man. I was raised to face my problems head on, not run from them like a petulant child. I hope that justice is done, and the family of Daniel N. will receive the closure they undoubtably need to facilitate healing. I feel VERY STRONGLY that as an adult, it would be both irresponsible and immoral for me not to return to Prague if I am summoned. This is not about bail money. This is about a young man who lost his life. I will act with honor, and I will fight to clear my good name in this matter. Thank you for reading this, and I wish you all peace.

    Please take the time to read his entire statement here.

    Men, boys, and those who are unsure where they stand, the call to manhood is distinct and inescapable in your heart. Stand up and decide that you want to be a man starting today. God gave you a man’s body, but only you can strive to lay claim to a man’s heart.

    The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior. – Judges 6:12