Chris.Gould.Is

Category: Man

  • Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    Dating 101 – Gird Your Loins

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 6/3/2013]

    This entry is the hardest for me to write, but also the one about which I feel most passionately – sexual purity in dating. Let me be very very clear before I walk any further – sexual purity in dating was NEVER a goal of mine. I would have laughed at you had you suggested it. Before I met my wife, I was in a place where I was pretty certain that the PURPOSE of dating was my own sexual gratification. However, with distance and clarity from that deep walk with sin, I can now promise you that that path holds nothing but pain and embarrassment.

    Please feel free to call me a hypocrite for this entry. As long as you keep reading, I can handle that. Do not believe the irony that *I* am writing about this is lost on me. If you had known me in high school or especially college, seeing my name on this might cause you to spit out your drink. Regardless, consider my pock-marked, bruised, and beaten spirit to be a warning sign that this path is not one you want to tread.

    So here is what I see now that I wish I had believed then: you need to keep yourself sexually pure. You already know this. It isn’t shocking to you. It isn’t even news. But our society loves to question the boundary of “sex” such that you can engage in many sexual acts and still consider yourself a “virgin.” As a father to a little girl, here is the litmus test I now find myself using – if I’d want to dismember the little boy for doing “that” with my little girl, it runs against sexual purity. As you might imagine, there is NO gray area in *my* definition.

    For clarity, I define sexual purity as doing nothing consciously to engage or arouse your own sexual desires, which includes not only physical sexual acts, but even the very TV shows, video games, and movies you choose to watch, if you are choosing to watch them because of the arousal potential.

    Yes, it is easy for me to say this now that I have a wife and regular sex partner. No, this challenge is not easy, and most of the men in our society would call it quixotic. But I would counter by saying that this is the level of sexual purity I believe God desires for all men, single, dating, engaged, married, widowed – ALL men.

    Let me speak to the area I am most familiar with, porn. If you are using porn and masturbation to meet your own “needs,” you have to stop. And I don’t mean just stop looking at porn. I mean stop masturbating. And looking at porn.

    If you are having sex, in a relationship or not, stop. Yes, stop.

    Draw a personal boundary, make the choice to take the high road, and stop. This step is by far the most painful for me to talk about. But I am firmly convinced that it is the most critical to being successful in dating.

    Let me share with you two facts about sex and orgasm that shape this conversation. First, sex and orgasm are not needs, but desires that create needs. Let me explain. Your body does not NEED to orgasm.

    I’ll wait while you let that sink in. To orgasm is NOT a need.

    To orgasm is an appetite. And like any other appetite, it can be sated for a period, but never once and for all. However, unlike hunger and thirst, an orgasm is not required for your body to live (despite what you may be feeling right this second!). The more you orgasm, the more your body desires to orgasm, much like your response to a good steak or delicious ice cream. And the more you feed that desire, it begins the transition from a desire to a craving, then to a need. That’s right, what you once knew to be a desire has become a need you feel legitimate in fulfilling by any means.

    If you are actively engaged in masturbation or sex, I’m confident you won’t believe me on this. But as someone who was fought the porn demon and won, I assure you it is the truth.

    The other fact? The quest for orgasm clouds your mind. A shocker, right? I’m glad you were sitting down. But when coupled with the first fact, what happens is that a man who is dating and masturbating or having sex is blinded to facts and reason. As is the stereotype, he thinks with his cock instead of his mind. In that state, you are, as I was, completely incapable of evaluating the woman you are dating rationally. Especially if she is already your sex partner. Thankfully my wife was not my sex partner before we were married – although I sure tried!

    So you have to put a stop to it. And you have to have stopped for quite a period (read: a year) before you are mentally clear enough to evaluate a potential mate. Yes, it will be incredibly difficult. Satan will throw everything imaginable at you in order to get you to slip up. You will wake up with wet underwear. You will be incredibly tempted by stupid things. But you *can* go without, and the clarity the abstinence provides will be well worth the pain.

    Based on my experience, if you are already deep in the chase for orgasms, you will not be able to overcome the temptation alone – you need God’s strength and grace. You will need to pray a lot. In fact, think of this period as a fast from orgasm, and like a fast, any time you are tempted, pray for strength and thank God for a healthy sex drive.

    Bottom line, in order for you to be in the right place mentally and physically to find a mate, you need to make your own sexual purity a primary objective now.

  • Communication

    [Author’s Note: Originally published on BlogOfManly.com on 10/1/2012]

    Men, listen close and listen well. We are, as a group, terrible listeners. And since listening is at least half of successfully communicating, we men are terrible communicators.

    I don’t know you, but I’m willing to bet that you believe you do a pretty decent job of listening to your wife. And you may even be right. Regardless, I challenge you to ask her, point blank, if she *feels* like you do a good job of listening to her. And when she likely says “no” or gives a non-committal answer, do not attempt to defend yourself, but simply take note.

    I am a firm believer that all of the issues that arise and all of the benefits to be gleaned from marriage stem from successful communication. I weathered some painful times with my wife to learn what I understand now about communication with my wife, and I hope to be able to save you from similar fights. So here are some critical things you *have* to understand about communicating with your wife.

    First and foremost, you have to talk to her. Generally speaking, women prefer to talk and men prefer to do. But talking is the fundamental form of communication, and your willingness to talk to your wife speaks volumes to her about how much you care about her.

    You may even be thinking that you don’t like to talk all that much. Tough. Put on your big boy panties and get on with it. There is nothing more critical to determine the success of your marriage. And you *do* want to have a successful, marriage, right? Keep in mind, there are two benefits to talking to your wife regularly and at length: she feels like your priority, and you learn more about her.

    Now, what should you talk about? EVERYTHING. Big stuff: finances, children, careers, faith, goals, sex, and other life altering topics. Small stuff: your day, her day, TV, movies, books, and other mundane topics. Make a point of learning more about what she is interested in, so that you can actually carry on a conversation, not simply say “yeah” while day dreaming.

    As you and your wife are speaking, you must take care to communicate not just facts, but emotions. Yes, emotions. Yes, you have them. And yes, even you can learn to communicate them.

    If your heart’s desire is a strong, intimate relationship with your wife (AND IT IS), then you must accept the fact of your emotions, and begin to recognize and share them with her. I didn’t like it at first either, and I am still to this day learning to name my emotions, but I am regularly amazed at how much Maria responds when I talk about how I feel in a given situation.

    Warning: the tongue has the power of life and death. HOW you talk to and about your wife is even MORE critical than WHETHER you talk to her! You must strive to make sure every word that comes out of your mouth to or about your wife is grounded in love. Despite the war theme we have chosen for this series of articles, your wife is NEVER the enemy. She is always your buddy, partner, friend, companion, and champion. You must NEVER strive to hurt her, tear her down, or insult her. A good wife is a blessing from God Himself, and I doubt seriously that you’d like to pick a fight with Him. And no, the “good” descriptor there is not a loophole! Your wife *is* a good wife – she married you!

    In fact, the more positively you think of your wife and view your wife, the more easily speaking to and of her from love will become. Make the conscious choice to compliment your wife regularly on not only her looks, but the things she does. I try to make a point of letting Maria know that she is not only beautiful, but that she is an excellent wife, mother, child of God, woman, and friend. And I find that the more I tell her those things, the more I see them and realize the truth of them. Tell your wife regularly how you feel about her – not just that you love her, but that you adore her, are captivated by her, are thankful she is your wife, that you need and want her, and that you are a better man for having her in your life. Even if you aren’t sure that you feel all of those things towards her, the amazing thing about the spoken word is that if you start saying them, you will soon realize that you do feel that way!

    Yes, there are many forms of communication aside from talking. You can do things to lighten her load. You can buy her gifts. You can reach out and build relationships with her family. But none holds a candle to the power of the spoken word, so master it FIRST – THEN make it your mission to learn the other ways to ensure she feels loved.

    Finally, decide today to be a life-long student of your wife. You want to be of a mindset that there is always more to learn about her, and that you want to learn it all. The more active a position you take in this, the more amazing the rewards will be!

    Men, marriage is no stroll through the park, but the benefits of a solid, supportive, loving marriage are unparalleled in human relationships. Take this wisdom, make learning everything there is to know about your wife your life’s mission, and expect amazing dividends in your marriage!

  • Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    Deconstructing the Myth of ‘Ducks in a Row’

    I know you’ve heard this phrase before:

    I’ll do _____ when I get all my ducks in a row…

    Or maybe in one of these other, less obvious (and more insidious) forms:

    I’ll buy ____ when I get my finances balanced…

    I’ll go ____ when I get enough time to spare…

    I’ll go back to church when I get my life in order…

    I’ll change jobs as soon as I get some more education…

    I’ll tell my wife I love her when she starts doing …

    I’ll spend more time with my children when work slows down…

    I have honestly said or thought every single one of these, at more than one point in my life.

     

     

    I suspect you have too.

     

     

     

    All of the above phrases have an element of truth, and are intended to convey heart and intent, yet lack conviction or commitment. The truth, as you and I both know, is that these statements are all predicated on a myth – the myth of ducks lining up.

    Now, I’m not going to belabor the analogy here – yes, ducklings do line up behind the mama duck when walking. So yes, real, live, physical ducks *do* line up, at least as babies. In our lives however, the idea of our “ducks” lining up is built on three dangerous fallacies: waiting, control, and safety.

     

    Fallacy #1: Waiting

    Waiting on something to happen is inherently a passive position. I’m not actually *doing* anything to move toward my goal, I’m simply waiting for things to happen. I’m not actively rearranging my schedule to spend time with my wife or kids, I’m waiting for a natural opening.

    This is a lie regarding your relationship to yourself – your own ability to act. Rather than committing to a course of action, and moving, you are sitting on the sidelines waiting.

    I am a consummate waiter. I don’t like to pull the trigger until I absolutely have to, on any decision. I hide behind the idea that I am “researching” or “thinking” but the truth is, I generally make my decisions immediately, and then look for reasons to believe my own press.

    The painful part of this lie is that it feels like wisdom – not acting until the time is right. And there is an element of truth to that, as long as you are doing everything within your power to be ready.

    The antidote to this lie, is making conscious choices and taking action towards your goals. Develop a plan, and execute the plan.

     

    Fallacy #2: Control

    Ducks are wild animals, and are going to do as they please. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been much good at commanding ducks. The truth in the “ducks” is that some portion of every aspect of life is random chance.

    That being said, our lives are not entirely random chance – as much as we might feel they are at times. By and large, we are the sum of our decisions and actions up to this point in time, and thus we have more control than we’d like to admit.

    By acting as if we have no control, we are lying to ourselves about our ability to influence the outcome of the situation. Ultimately we do have to “roll with the punches” of life, but we don’t have to cede control to random chance.

    It is entirely possible that I’ll get an urgent phone call from work as I’m getting ready for a date with my wife. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have other team members lined up to step in for me, so I can still spend time with Maria.

    To counteract this fallacy, as you are building the plan to reach your goal, build in some contingencies. Make sure your plan isn’t so rigid as to break when the first random occurrence does happen – because it will.

    No Battle Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy — Helmuth von Moltke

     

    Fallacy #3: Safety

    “In a row” is another way of saying “perfect.” I am wanting to be absolutely sure that I cannot fail when I finally decide to do whatever it is I’m putting off. For me, this manifests from a fear of being mocked or made fun of – I want every decision and action to be above reproach and beyond mocking.

    Having your ducks lined up neatly is a lie regarding your relationship to the world – the truth is that you are powerless to control how the world will respond to your choices.

    I hate this truth.

    The really nasty part of this phrase is that it hides behind the perfectly valid idea of preparing and doing your homework. Being prepared is absolutely a wise thing to do, in all situations. But hiding behind the idea of preparation instead of acting, is cowardice.

    To put a stake in the heart of this lie, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to ask whether you have developed a robust plan, and have the skills and capabilities to execute the plan. If not, then your plan has to change to include gaining the skills and resources. When you have the plan and the wherewithal, you have to acknowledge that truth and execute!

     

     

    Yes, life takes preparation. Yes, life demands your time, energy, and resources. Yes, life throws punches like a hardened boxer. Your life is not out of your control. Your goals are not attainable by only luck and fortune. You have the incredible power of choice, and the freedom to execute that choice.

    Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

    — Seneca (Disputed)

  • 35 Years

    35 Years

    Ten days ago, I turned 35 years old. Not surprisingly, I found myself to be in a contemplative mood in the days leading up to my birthday. Because most of my dear readers are close friends and family, likely you will not be surprised at my age.

    But I am. I am surprised to find myself 35 years old. Certainly, I remember many milestones along the last 12,784 days of my life – the birth of my three children, my wedding (bits and pieces!), finishing college, graduating high school, and on and on. However, when I try to add up my memories, the sum seems to fall far short of 35 years.

    I’m sure that is the way of it, the greater the distance from the events, the fewer events are retained. Regardless, 35 years old still seems like a mystical age I remember talking about, in my twenties, as being an eternity away!

    In my last session with Bonnie, as we were discussing my recent realizations about how I think about money, Bonnie asked me how I define success. I didn’t have a good answer.

    I told Bonnie that I don’t want to ever consider myself successful, because that seems final. I want to lay on my deathbed (see? painfully contemplative of late!), look back at my life, and decide I lived a successful life. But today, I don’t want to have arrived at that particular destination.

    Instead, I want to be satisfied. Content.

    Now if you’re hoping that I am going to lay out some excellent, detailed, scriptural definition of “content” for you, I’m sorry, I’m fresh out. Frankly, I suck at being content. I even suck at my own birthday!

    For the majority of my life, my snap answer would be that I am not content or satisfied with any of it. There is so much about my world I want to improve, fix, change, and the like!

    My definition of “content” is that I am satisfied with every aspect of my life. Clearly, my definition of “content” is unattainable and a picture of perfection. Interestingly, I understand that “content” is supposed to mean an intermediate state, but that’s not how I think of “content.” “Content” doesn’t mean finished, satisfied, happy even! Yet when I ask myself whether I am “content”, all I see is all the areas I want to improve.

    Part of our pastor’s sermon, the weekend prior to my birthday, was on being content. Pastor Bill described being content as “wanting what you already have.” I’ve decided to adopt this definition, because it makes sense to me. I want to be content, I recognize the value and importance of being content. I just have to learn how!

    I’m fighting the urge to give you a detailed run-down of my life, and a “content / non content” status for each, based on this new definition. In fact, if you’d like me to detail that, please let me know in the comments. But for now, I’m going to assume that my recent introspection is sufficient for you.

    The truth is that I am largely content with my life today – using this revised definition of “content.” Are there areas I’m working on and hoping to improve? Absolutely. Are there areas I feel I am killing? A few. Does my life today looked like what I imagined 35 would look like, at 18 or 21? I don’t think so, but honestly I didn’t have much of a plan past college, career, and marriage! Excepting kids, which I was firmly convinced I did NOT want. I am so thankful to have changed my mind!

    I have been incredibly privileged to have the opportunities and the work ethic to accomplish many things, experience many things, and enjoy many things. I lead a good life.

    In fact, I actually want most, if not all, of the aspects of my life today. The areas that I am not satisfied with, I am working on, for the most part, and I recognize the value of the journey. Thankfully there are only a few areas of both discontent and lack of effort – and I have plans to work on those, when I have time. In short, I’m not completely satisfied, but I am content with my place, progress, and plans to improve

    I’d be lying if I said I am excited to have turned 35, but as I mark this milestone, I am incredibly thankful for the life I lead, and excited about the journey ahead. Thank you for taking part of this journey with me!

  • Take Your Turn

    Take Your Turn

    Do you martyr yourself on a regular basis? If someone has to sacrifice, is it always you? Let me tell you about my own experiencing of the cost of martyrdom…

    Did you know that here in Texas, we actually have road signs reminding drivers to “Drive Friendly”? Most of my readers right now live in Texas, so that’s not a great surprise. But if you don’t live here (you should!) and have never visited (you must!), then this is probably surprising to you.

    I like to try and observe life lessons from the behavior I see of people around me. Do you like to do that? Maybe I’m crazy? Regardless, I find it fascinating to observe how people behave in different circumstances, and try to abstract the fundamental rules of life from those behaviors.

    Witnessing the Cost of Martyrdom

    The Heart Causes Deadlock
    The Heart Causes Deadlock

    So the other morning, I’m taking my daughter to school. The traffic flow into this school’s parking lot isn’t great, but it works well enough, as long as everyone is playing by the rules. This particular morning, we are actually a few minutes earlier than usual, and yet we are moving painfully slowly towards the school. As we approach the entrance to the school parking lot, I see exactly why. In the traffic pattern for this school, you can either approach from the north or the south, and you can also depart to the north or to the south. The majority of the influx approaches from the north, and also departs to the north. If all cars followed this routing, the traffic would be smooth as butter. But of course, they don’t. Some people approach from the south, and then have to either force their way into the stream of traffic, or wait to be let in. Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was curious if anyone reads this whole paragraph. The most fascinating part of this ballet is that often the south approaching cars will stop such that the north departing cars cannot pull out into the road, and if this goes on long enough, the parking lot deadlocks, as was the case on this particular morning. Some kind soul was sitting in the heart spot, refusing to go, until the whole system locked up.

    What is the Point?

    Are your eyes glazed over yet? Do you even care about my story any more? I’ll cut to the chase, and save you any more mindless descriptions of traffic patterns. The point is that sometimes people will stop, in an attempt to be friendly, to allow someone else to turn. Generally this is both reasonable and necessary.
    However, more often than not, the yielding driver may be helping the turning driver(s), but ends up punishing everyone else in line.

    The moral of this story? Sometimes the most effective way you can love everyone around you is by simply taking your turn and going. Sometimes, you taking care of your needs, *is* the most effective way to provide for those around you.

    Paradoxical, huh?

    You may think I’m full of crap, but there is a reason that when you fly with children, they entreat you to put on your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child – you are no benefit to your children if you suffocate first.

    I suck at looking after myself. I’m the first to martyr myself in the service of those around me. I look for opportunities to fall on my sword for others. I know now that it stems from my addiction to affirmation. However, as Bonnie likes to point out lately, I am responsible for the livelihood of five people in this world, three of which can’t fend for themselves. If I am not minding my own health and well-being, I am putting them in jeopardy too. I don’t love that truth, I confess. I may be making myself feel good by being a martyr, but I’m not being the provider they need.

    So I’m working on this. In fact, my writing of this article is part of me trying to look after myself. What about you? Are you good at looking after your own needs on a regular basis? Or do you like to fall on your sword at every opportunity?

  • Are You My Hero?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 9/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    Much like Josh [Chief Editor of BlogOfManly.com], I love the conversations and healthy debates we have behind the scenes on different topics. As iron sharpens iron, so too one man sharpens another.

    I actually agree with Josh completely on the distinction of hero and role-model. And on the need for a distinct hero class. Where I believe we actually differ is on the universality of a person’s designation as a hero, and on what defines a hero.

    What I mean is that what defines a hero for you, depending on the context, may not translate into being a hero for me. If you tell me about an amazing man who took a bullet for you, I’d quickly agree that his actions were heroic, but he would not necessarily be *my* hero.You might have watched your neighbor rescue a cat from your tree for a little boy – your neighbor is that boy’s hero, but to you simply a good neighbor. A hero is an elite status that can only be conferred by a man to another human who has made a dramatic impact on his life.

    To be clear, I do believe that there are a class of actions, generally characterized as being selfless, sacrificial, and dangerous, that are universally recognized as being heroic. In fact, I believe that in each of our hearts is a special decoder of sorts that resonates with those behaviors when we witness them. But that doesn’t make your hero my hero.

    The genesis of this conversation, as Josh mentioned, was the reboot of the Hall of Heroes section of BoM. I expressed that I didn’t really have a hero in the “took a bullet, pulled from a burning building, saved my life sense.” I’ve lived a very safe and quiet existence, and in this particular context, I am quite thankful for that. But I do have people who have given of themselves and dramatically impacted my life, that I would consider my heroes, despite them not having done anything dangerous on my behalf.

    But this begs the question, am I simply lowering the bar because I have never been in a situation to need a “true” hero? Perhaps. Or perhaps, given that the designation of hero is a personal choice, I am free to view whomever I see fit as my hero.

    I do want to take a moment, and talk about a third class of people called idols. In fact, I would call Josh’s taking guitar lessons to try and be like whatever rock star an idolization, not a hero. Because in my mind, for another person to be my hero, they have to have made a personal impact in my life. It is possible that Josh had a life changing interaction with his idol – I don’t know (but if you have a story or pictures, let’s talk!).

    See, I think it is very important to recognize the distinction between actions and position, behavior and title. I can act in ways that are universally heroic, but if it ultimately doesn’t impact anyone else’s life, I am not a hero. Conversely, if I happen to be in the right place at the right time, even if I am simply doing my job, but someone’s life is impacted, I might just be their hero. Is a firefighter a hero simply for choosing his profession, or only once he has actually saved someone from a burning building?

    To me, a hero is someone who gives of themselves selflessly for the needs of someone else. Certainly anyone who has ever given their life for another fits this description. In my mind every firefighter, police officer, soldier, sailor, marine, and airman is a hero, because they are choosing to put their very lives on the line for another, namely me. And you.

    So all of those men and women are heroes, in my opinion. And I know a share of each of those. I mean none of them any disrespect, because I am incredibly grateful for their service and sacrifice, but none of them really feels like *my* hero.

    And that, I contend, is the crux of where Josh and I differ on the topic of heroes. Yes, I can write about great men and women who have risked incredibly, and even made the ultimate sacrifice, for the good of another, and you would be encouraged, challenged, and strengthened for hearing their stories. But they would not become *your* hero. And in fact, the actions I describe that make them heroic to me, might not even sound heroic to you. Because a hero is a personal designation.

    So the stories you read of the deeds of my and other men’s heroes may not impress you as heroic, but they have had an impact on our lives. Their actions, however mundane or extraordinary, have marked our hearts and minds. I am not saying every man is a hero, but every man has the potential to leave an indelible mark on the life of another.

    Boys have heroes. Men have heroes. Our society names men and women heroes based on their actions. But being a hero to someone is not a status akin to a college degree, dictated by some agreed to standards, nor a Nobel Prize, awarded by a committee. Instead, being a hero to someone is a special designation of relationship between two individuals. But a hero is not necessarily a role model, although they are not mutually exclusive. A hero is not necessarily someone we want to become, which is the purpose of a role model, but instead simply someone we are thankful to have had touch our life in some incredible way.

  • My War With Porn

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/16/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

     

    I want to tell you a story about my war with addiction to pornography, the battle I finally won, and the ongoing skirmishes I still fight to this day. At the height of the war, I was absolutely convinced that I was not addicted – I didn’t even know I was fighting! But it was so bad that I would be sitting at the kitchen table next to my beautiful and sexy wife, while we were both doing homework, and I’d have a browser window up looking at porn! NEXT TO MY WIFE. Sadly, I was even convinced that she had no idea.

    And to be clear, I was sexually pleasuring myself at the same pace – A LOT.

    I had a lot of different ways to rationalize my addiction.

    I told myself that meeting my own sexual needs was okay because Maria and I had different levels of sex drive. I convinced myself that I was saving Maria from having to have more sex than she needed by using pornography!

    I told myself that no one was getting hurt. The women performing were not doing so against their wills, and would be performing even if I wasn’t looking. By the very end, I had started to believe that the women performing would want me to watch them perform!

    I was, as with all addictions, convinced I had control over the pornography. I honestly thought I was choosing to look at porn.

    As I read these things now, I am both ashamed and thankful. Ashamed because of how blind and foolish I was. Thankful because I hope that at least one man will see himself and the lies he tells himself in this, and recognize the war that he is in.

    So what was the truth?

    Clearly, porn controlled me – I looked at porn sitting next to my wife! Maria has told me since that I was very defensive and “in her face” about my “habit.” I never looked at porn at work, but I looked at porn daily. In retrospect, I was also looking for harder core and raunchier imagery to reach the same level of excitement.

    Regardless of why the women are performing, their bodies were built by God for the pleasure of their husbands, and no other man – not even a voyeur. I’m not here to rail against women wearing flattering clothing, but posing nude or performing sexual acts for a camera is clearly not in line with God’s design or desires. Looking at any porn on the web encourages an industry which degrades and abuses both women and men.

    Now the most interesting aspect of sex drive that I have come to understand is that sex is not a need. Men, listen closely: SEX IS NOT A NEED. To be clear, physical touch is a valid need many men have, which can be filled effectively by sex, but the sex itself is not a need. Here is how I know. The more you have sexual pleasure, with or without a partner, the more you want to have sex. Conversely, the longer you abstain, the easier it becomes. Don’t believe me, try it!

    So the most painful truth is that I was artificially increasing my sex drive, basically insuring that Maria couldn’t keep up! As I came to understand at the end of the war, a large driver for Maria and I not having a fulfilling sex drive was because she knew about my addiction, and felt like she couldn’t possibly compete with those women and was incredibly self-conscious in bed.

    The bottom line? The addiction I wouldn’t acknowledge was preventing me from having the fulfilling sex life with my wife that I so craved – and it was the very lack of a fulfilling sex life that I used to support my addiction!

    Now how did I win the war? God brought me to a place where I finally saw the addiction for what it was, and for the pain I was causing Maria. I recognized that I was buried too deep. I finally cried out to God to take the demon from me. And nothing happened. But God showed me that He doesn’t always operate by fixing the problem for us, but that He would empower me to overcome it. So I prayed for the strength to walk away from porn, and God granted me that power. In one fell swoop I trashed all of the magazines and videos and deleted all of the pictures, videos, and links.

    Virtually overnight my sex life with Maria improved! Talk about reinforcing positive behavior!

    Cue the triumphant music and the credits!

    Only it isn’t that simple. I am still tempted to look at porn on a fairly regular basis. The strength of the temptation varies greatly based on what else I allow myself to see and how Maria and I are doing in terms of sex. I have a strict personal rule that Maria is my only source of sexual pleasure. I try to avoid looking too closely at sexual images, but I am still a man, and very visual in my attraction.

    The other amazing lesson I have learned is that I now have the choice as to how much sexual material I am exposed to. I can choose not to click on that sexual picture on Facebook. I can choose not to take a second look at that scantily clad woman in the mall. I fail as much as I choose well, but I always have the choice, if not the strength.

    Men, if you are looking at porn you are hurting yourself. If you are dating or married, you are hurting her. If you aren’t, you are hurting the future women in your life. No amount of excitement or satisfaction from imagery can hold a candle to the amazing intimacy of sex with a loving and devoted partner. More importantly, looking at pornography is not what God wants for you. You are worth more than that, and you should not do anything to detract from the incredible satisfaction and fulfillment from the sex life God has designed for you!

  • When Am I A Man?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/14/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    One of the biggest questions I have wrestled with since being married and becoming a father, has been the question of when I became I man. Or more specifically, what proof did I have of my manhood. I don’t know about you, but I never had any sort of manhood rite-of-passage.

    Today, I have no doubts that I am a man. When I look in the mirror, I sometimes see the little boy I was decades ago. But even as much as a year or two ago, I still was not sure that I was actually a man. So what did I finally learn was the turning point from boy to man?

    I had the fortune early in my career to be selected for and graduate from the leadership development program of a very well known company. After a year in the program, I was talking to “the Don” about how rigorous the selection process was, and he explained to me then that the biggest hurdle to someone being selected was their own courage to apply. It took me years to realize the truth in his statement.

    So what does making a choice have to do with being a man? After all, a male becomes a man when he first has sex, right? Or has his first beer? First gets drunk and throws up? Makes $100k a year? Grows his first short and curlies? Has a title that includes “president”? Fathers a child? Kills another human? Isn’t that the message we men are presented by society? And let’s not forget that a real man has no friends, emotions, or weaknesses!

    As your heart is likely screaming, none of that is what it really means to be a man! And in fact, there is no one act past which any male becomes a man. No milestone, no off-ramp from boyhood, no specific turning point. At least not an externally observable one.

    See, a boy becomes a man when he *chooses* to begin taking responsibility for himself, his actions, those for which he has responsibility, and anyone else within his sphere of influence, and begins to make his decisions based on what is best for others over himself. He answers the call of responsibility, maturity, and selflessness. He begins to recognize his own strengths and weaknesses, and starts to think in terms of finding others to help cover his weaknesses, so that he doesn’t leave those he loves exposed. He does whatever is necessary to provide and protect those in his responsibility.

    As Dr. Robert Lewis says in the Quest for Authentic Manhood, an authentic man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater rewards.

    Does that definition resonate in your heart? My heart rang like a gong when I first heard that!

    In my walk, as I finally began to understand this truth, I had to take a hard look at my own life, the decisions I was making, and the priorities that were guiding my decisions. And I came up woefully short. We are all the sum of our decisions, and I wasn’t adding up to much.

    Are you asking yourself whether any man today lives up to that standard? The answer, of course, is no. Only one man *ever* lived up to that standard – Jesus Christ.

    But there are large numbers of males since who have lived trying to reach the destination of authentic manhood, myself included. For a present-day example, this quote is taken from a statement from Randy Blythe,  front man for the band Lamb of God, who was in prison in the Czech Republic on charges related to the death of a fan at a concert (emphasis mine):

    If it is deemed necessary for me to do so, I WILL return to Prague to stand trial. While I maintain my innocence 100%, and will do so steadfastly, I will NOT hide in the United States, safe from extradition and possible prosecution. As I write this, the family of a fan of my band suffers through the indescribably tragic loss of their child. They have to deal with constantly varying media reports about the circumstances surrounding his death. I am charged with maliciously causing severe bodily harm to this young man, resulting in his death. While I consider the charge leveled against me ludicrous and without qualification, my opinion makes no difference in this matter. The charge exists, and for the family of this young man, questions remain. The worst possible pain remains. It is fairly common knowledge amongst fans of my band that I once lost a child as well. I, unfortunately, am intimately familiar with what their pain is like. Therefore, I know all too well that in their time of grief, this family needs and deserves some real answers, not a media explosion followed by the accused killer of their son hiding like a coward thousands of miles away while they suffer. I am a man. I was raised to face my problems head on, not run from them like a petulant child. I hope that justice is done, and the family of Daniel N. will receive the closure they undoubtably need to facilitate healing. I feel VERY STRONGLY that as an adult, it would be both irresponsible and immoral for me not to return to Prague if I am summoned. This is not about bail money. This is about a young man who lost his life. I will act with honor, and I will fight to clear my good name in this matter. Thank you for reading this, and I wish you all peace.

    Please take the time to read his entire statement here.

    Men, boys, and those who are unsure where they stand, the call to manhood is distinct and inescapable in your heart. Stand up and decide that you want to be a man starting today. God gave you a man’s body, but only you can strive to lay claim to a man’s heart.

    The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior. – Judges 6:12

     

  • But Why?

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 8/27/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    My daughter is a beautiful little girl. Sadly, she has an ugly habit that drives my wife, Maria, and I to near tears at times. No amount of admonishment or threat of punishment stems the flow of this vile behavior, especially when she is tired or in a mood. At times, it is enough to make me scream!

    So what is this terrible habit that a 3 and a half year old has that could possibly be so skull-crushing? Why, she insists on asking “why?”

    Let’s be very clear, she isn’t asking because she really wants to understand better. For instance, yesterday, Olivia and I were preparing to go to the store for groceries. Her video had finished and I was finishing up balancing our checkbook. She asks me to start another video, to which I respond “No, we are about to leave for the store.” Her predictable response? “But wwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy!?!”

    Although I don’t think my daughter has a hearing problem, I am certain she has a listening problem. I’m also pretty sure she isn’t really curious as to my rationale for not starting another video. Truth be told, if she didn’t throw such a fit when we have to stop a video in the middle, I WOULD start another.

    It is a sad irony to me that Maria and I once opined that Olivia seemed late in starting the “why” phase, and actually worried about it!

    Let me pause and say that Olivia is a wonderful little girl. Frighteningly smart, but very courteous, sweet, and loving. She is very rules oriented, and, for the most part, easy to parent. And I adore her. This rant is starting to sound like she is a brat, but alas, she is simply 3 and a half years old. If you have or have had a 3 and a half year old, you know exactly what I am talking about.

    So this morning, at 4:36 am, my son screams. He apparently likes to do this between 3:00 and 5:00 am virtually every day. I’m not sure why, because if I was, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY FIXED IT. But let me just say how much Maria and I enjoy this particular alarm with no snooze button.

    Maria and I get out of bed, and I agree to change his diaper while she will feed and get him back to sleep – the far more daunting task, to be sure. I change his diaper, and return to bed, but I am loathe to go back to sleep for fear she will need something and I won’t hear her. Since this painfully early alarm has been happening for a while, our process has evolved such that neither sleeps until the boy does, in case the other needs help.

    So I say a quick prayer, telling God that I know He is in control and that this serves His purposes, but could He please help me understand why we are continuing to fight this battle with Samuel? I begin reading on my phone, first email, then Facebook, then a daily devotional, ooh a new email, and then I open up iBooks. I recently read Francis Chan’sForgotten God, which I loved. So I started to read Chan’s book,  Crazy Love. In the middle of the first chapter, God thumps my gourd again.

    Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation? – Francis Chan, Crazy Love, Chapter 1

    Yeah. Snap.

    And God kindly brought to mind my frustration earlier with Olivia asking why I wouldn’t turn on another video. I don’t know why we are still fighting with Samuel to sleep through the night, despite his being 10 and a half months old. And I know that it is ok for me to ask God why. But it is awfully arrogant to expect Him to explain it to me. And for me to pout because God won’t give me my way.

    When Olivia asks me why, I will generally try to explain it to her. But many times I marvel at how to summarize all I have learned about the world, and all that I believe about how to manage her health and development, in a manner that her 3 and a half year old mind can possible comprehend. But I can only imagine it is the same for our God – He created the entire universe, including our very bodies! He is timeless and unchanging. How can He possibly simplify what He knows and why He is allowing something to happen to someone who has only been alive and aware for 31 years?

    God knows there are times I get so angry at what is happening, like Samuel not sleeping, and, in these instances, I demand answers from God. Just as I know Olivia gets mad and frustrated when she doesn’t get her way. But God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, and His mind is not knowable by my mind. I know God knows and wants what is best for me, as I hope Olivia has the same trust in Maria and I. But clearly I forget or ignore that trust in times of trial.

    So where are you in the level of trust you place in your Creator? Do you count it all joy when you face trials? Do you take comfort in knowing that the same God who created and controls everything loves you enough to have His own Son killed in order to be able to reach you? Yes, God is either permitting or causing your current circumstances. But He is only choosing for you what you would choose, if you only know what He knows.

  • The Journey To Manhood

    [Author’s Note: This entry was originally published on 7/9/2012 on BlogOfManly.com]

    [Blog of Manly is happy to introduce Chris. We’ll let him tell his own story, but we wanted to express our excitement to have him on board. We put Chris through the ringer! We asked a lot of questions and offered a lot of feedback. He handled the process like a man of integrity and courage. We think you’re going to enjoy getting to know him too.]

     

    When my beautiful wife, Maria, and I first got married a little over six years ago, I had problems. Problems such as believing that climbing the corporate ladder would fulfill me; an insatiable drive to be perfect fueled by a fear of ever being wrong; no idea what it meant to be a man, a husband, or the leader of a household; no relationship with God of any sort; and perhaps most insidiously, a serious addiction to pornography.

    I had (have!) a beautiful wife, a good, upwardly mobile job, a good education, a strong work ethic, and was killing it in the success category. I was sensitive and loving, not markedly male in the caveman sense, supportive, nurturing, and feminine. I could cook, clean, iron, and do laundry. In other words, I was the stereotypical man as defined by our society. But, I honestly questioned whether I was actually a man.

    I thought I was happy.

    Here is the dark reality: Maria did not feel secure, because I was not leading our household; our sex life was unsatisfying because I was addicted to porn; and in general, my life was happy at times, but joyless.  We put on a good show, but we were both miserable and hurting. Neither of our needs were being met, and we were clueless as to how to change our marriage. We were committed to each other, but we both knew our marriage was hurting.

    We had planned when we got married to have children, once we had reached a certain level of financial stability. Certainly, since our marriage was hurting, having a child would make it better! So after we had been married a little over 2 years, Maria got pregnant.

    Thankfully, during Maria’s 7th month of pregnancy, God rocked my world.

    Let me back up some, and give you some of my back-story.

    See, I had been raised in the church – my dad was a music minister at the local church for a dozen or so years of my life. I gave my life to Jesus and was baptized when I was 8. But, due to some drama in that church around the time I was 16, we stopped going to church entirely. At 16, I wasn’t real inclined to get up early on Sundays anyway, so I wasn’t particularly broken up. Fast forward to college, and I majored in engineering, where things are so well understood and cut and dried that there is no room for God – of course, that is a fallacy. But, at the time I was not looking to find God in my world. For approximately eleven years, I had avoided God.

    Now, back to our story previously in progress.

    Here are some truths about having a daughter that all men must recognize, regardless of whether they have a faith in God. Men, your daughters will use you as their template for their future husbands. They will use how you treat their mother as a playbook for how to expect their husbands to treat them. Therefore, if you love your daughter, and want her to have a happy, healthy marriage someday, then you need to take a hard look at your marriage right now. You create your daughter’s self-image, and teach her to trust. You will decide how susceptible she is to the wiles of boys, based on how much you reinforce her self-concept and confidence as you raise her.

    I knew these truths, and none of that was enough to really cause me to seek God. The truth that rocked my world is that I, and you men, as a father, am the template my daughter will use for GOD.

    For GOD!

    God refers to Himself as our Father, and I would be the only Father that my daughter would know.

    Here is why that rocked my world: I didn’t have much if any faith at the time, but I knew my life was not even a shred of a reasonable representation of God, whether I believed He existed or not. And I decided in that instant that I wanted to be the best representation of God to her that I could possibly be. But, I also realized that I was powerless to get there on my own.

    At this point, I was knocked on my butt. That is when I mentally kneeled before God (I was driving at the time!) and begged Him to change me.

    The moment of submission is how my journey began. Today I stand before you a changed man, no different on the outside (except a little heavier), but completely different on the inside. I’d be lying today if I told you that I am a perfect Biblical man, husband, father, son, employee, friend, or brother.  But I am certain that I am a man and that I am learning to fill these roles better as I journey on.

    I have learned and experienced so many things about my relationship to myself, my wife, my children, my God, and my world! I have overcome my addiction to porn. I have a fulfilling sex life with my wife. I have found joy in my life, largely independent of my circumstances. I am learning to take risks (you are reading one!). Maria has told me that I love and accept her like Jesus would. I am a work in progress, broken but not devastated. Every day I try to focus on being better than I was the day before. And I love my life!

    I won’t promise that I can teach you any of these things, but I do promise to work at sharing everything I am able. God has shown me that I have a heart for helping men find peace, confidence in their manhood, and understanding what being a man of God looks like. I hope you will walk with me in this journey of Manhood!